The good news is that I did get a room here with the shiny new furniture, including fully-automated bed. Once I’m a bit less dizzy I think I’ll play around more with different bed positions. My very nice roommate Milo checked out this afternoon so I hope I luck out again with whoever moves in this evening. Anyhow, it looks like I’ll be going home on Friday. I’m already sitting up and moving about a little and the doctor says he’s going to remove the IVs tomorrow.
My only really ‘out of it’ day was yesterday after the operation, and I was still feeling really groggy today until the nurse disconnected the morphine. I’m much perkier now. Still haven’t eaten, except for some peach juice that I promptly threw up, which the nurse told me was probably also because of the morphine. I think they’ll be giving me some purée tonight (mmm…) which is actually much better than what they laughingly call chicken broth here. The closest I can come to describing it is ‘hot fatty water’. Perhaps Pipocas can come up with something better – I made her taste some last night. And so, I seem to be recovering much more quickly than last time and yesterday I was very pleased not to have woken up in the ICU. Well, until I found out why. . .
It turned out that the surgeon found more tumours when he opened me up, so my condition is now inoperable. There was a third 1 cm tumour in the right lobe (along with the other two first spotted by the PET scan back at the end of June) and it would have been possible to remove all three if not for a further complication. Next to the liver he found many very small lesions attached to the peritoneum, which is a fine tissue that surrounds the abdominal organs. The PET scan didn’t pick them up because they are too small and they obviously didn’t respond to the ‘preventative’ chemo I was on. So the new plan of action is that once I’ve recovered from this surgery (I have my nice J-shaped scar as promised) I will start on a new course of chemo for six months, presumably a stronger, more aggressive (more sick-making?) type.
Talk about getting the wind knocked out of me. Pipocas and Nog had received this news earlier in the day and finally told me (albeit inadvertently) late yesterday evening, which I initially found more upsetting than the news itself. So I had to explain to them that I always want and need to know the truth about my condition and that it wasn’t up to anybody else to decide when would be a good time to be told.
And so now … I scarcely know how to feel. Another six months of chemo, probably starting in November, will take me up to April. And if all goes well they will try doing the liver resction again then. It seems like each time there’s an end in sight it gets pushed further away. Maybe your premonition is going to prove true after all, Rain. I guess I’m still kind of numb and mostly just want to go home and snibble cats.
zoomer said:
Hot fatty water…mmmmmmmmm.
Will you get another J? Maybe they can make a pattern. 🙂
Not having an end in sight can be a good thing, you just have to fight longer and beat this. Take care, we’re thinking of you.
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Neal Rollson said:
Hi Az,
I’d heard you were unwell, although didn’t realise a visit to the big house was on the cards. I am wishing you the best of luck, and forget the dish water. Go for stuffing the chicken!
I shall keep what ever is best, crossed for you…
Hugs,
MMF x x x
(aka Neal) H2G2
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alejna said:
Oh, crap. That knocked the wind out of me, too. Crap.
I’m glad you get to go home soon for some cat-snibbling.
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B'Elana said:
Zoomer left a note for those who don’t read your blog.
I don’t know what to say, really, except that I really hope the chemo will have the wished effect this time around.
All the luck of the world, and lots of love.
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Alec Trician said:
Wishing you all that’s good Az,
love
alec.
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Wandering Coyote said:
Oh, Az…So sorry to hear this latest news. I’m glad they’ve taken you off the morphine and that you get to go home on Friday. The broth sounds gross, but what else is new about hospital food? I’ve come to only expect the worst when I have to go in.
Take care of yourself, and know that I’m thinking about you.
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magpie said:
Alejna sent me. I’m sorry about the hospital crap (and the hot fatty water). Much luck to you.
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Alan (SWL) said:
Az, absolutely gobsmacked when I heard the news. I had no idea. I was wondering why I was going around Hootoo relatively unslapped.
Good luck with the chemo. Remember that a positive attitude is 50% of the medicine. With a purring cat on your lap providing another 25% of get wellness, I’m sure you’ll beat this thing.
Thinking of you ….
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healingmagichands said:
Well. Damn damn damn. I was SO hoping for different news and it really pisses me off that your cancer appears to be so invasive. Thanks for letting us all know so we can get together and write a “fight song” for you and start holding our “pep rallies” ASAP.
So I’m rereading your post and I am not clear. Did they remove the operable tumors or not? I understand about not doing anything about all the tiny lesions on the peritoneum, but what about the tumors that they knew about? Also, I’m curious as to whether there are lesions elsewhere or were they able to look?
Hope you are home with your cats soonest where you can get something better than hospital food, which from your description apparently is equally foul all over the world.
Damn.
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Beth said:
One day at a time, girl, one day at a time.
Anytime you come out of OR in one piece/alive it’s worth celebrating, at least a little.
I’m glad they’re letting you out soon. (Is Friday soon? Mebbe not) Perhaps you need to smuggle your most stable cat in for an early snibble. Does Pipocas have a really big purse?
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Timothy (TRiG) said:
I’m sitting late in the office listening to Douglas Adams http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZG8HBuDjgc enlightening me. That man was a genius, eh?
az, you have friends. We’re with you. Feel loved. Because you are.
T.
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Fanny said:
Hey az, for once I’m pretty much lost for words. And I don’t want to say crap. So huge love to you and thinking of you.
Crikey.
FannyX
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dragonqueen said:
Dang! Crap! Frak!
… my lousy old pathologist jokes about the liver just fell flat down the ground…
A sick cat and a lost access card seem petty complaints now.
Hang on there, I want to meet Spring in Sevilla.
*hugs*
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ian in hamburg said:
Thinking of you tonight az. Hope you gather strength for the next round.
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Bouncy said:
Sorry to hear things aren’t going so well. Good luck with everything.
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Magwitch said:
Buggar, az.
I hope the next round of chemo does the job.
Many hugs
Mags
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cj said:
yuck. all the way around.
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Deborah342 said:
Hi Az, I just wanted to add my good thoughts. Life really sucks sometimes but I wish you the strength to see it through.
Deb
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Timothy (TRiG) said:
I posted before I left the office, but it must have got swallowed somewhere. I was in late, listening to an inspiring talk by Douglas Adams (see http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/T5911863 for link to YouTube video).
I can’t remember what I said now. Something grand and profound, no doubt. Or not. Remember, azahar, that you’re loved, by many people. Hang on, and be strong.
Tim.
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J said:
So sorry to hear that things are going to be tougher than anticipated.
Buggery, buggery bollocks.
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Chris aka lil said:
Oh, Az…
Like many others, I knew you had been ill, but just not how ill.
Good luck with your chemo and further treatment. I shall be keeping a watch out for you.
*big hugs and kisses*..
lil xxx
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anhaga said:
I’m terribly sorry I’ve not dropped by sooner with my best wishes, Az, but, here they are: I’m so hoping that all turns out well.
anhaga
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silverstar98121 said:
I had wished for better news. I can only wish you virtual cat snibbles for now, and that your friends can get you some decent food.
I think they must have special recipes in hospitals to make the food bad. I remember when my ex was in hospital for abdominal surgery, the smell of the (fresh) food cart nauseated me. The sooner you get out of that place, the better.
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raincoaster said:
That just completely sucks donkey cocks on Sunday, that does.
I’m so sorry to hear about this and would for once in my life prefer to be wrong. Cancer is rarely simple, and never easy, but you don’t deserve this and I wish it had been all different for you. Curl up and cuddle the cats and swear at God; he can take it. You can be strong later.
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taliesin said:
So sorry to hear this, Az.
I can’t think of anything to say except I hope the cat snibbling thing works out…
and
We love ya!
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Anneke said:
Sending you an email. az…
All my love.
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Blues Shark said:
Bugger.
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Big Bad Johnny P said:
I’m with Blues – and the others.
Bugger
Shite
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Tom said:
Hey az, I really had no idea any of this was going on – I wondered why you hadn’t been around hootoo much of late.
Can’t really say much apart from I’m thinking of you. And also words that I probably couldn’t post here.
x Tom/HonestIago
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azahar said:
Ain’t no censorship here on casa az, Iago. Hey, nice to see all you h2g2 guys here. 🙂
Yeah, this has really thrown me for a loop. I know this time I’ve got to get much more prepared for my appointments with the oncologists. I’m guessing the chemo will start again in November, once I’ve had time to recover from this latest slashing.
Meanwhile, the recovery in hospital this time hasn’t been nearly as gruesome as it was after the colon resection in May. I’ve been sitting up on my own since yesteday and want to start walking, but the nurses suggest I wait until I see the doctor this morning and they get the go ahead to remove the IVs and the catheter.
I’m sure not looking forward to the six months of scary chemo, followed by more surgery. I’d really thought that it was going to be all finished with by January.
Fuck.
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Dave (aka hootoo Orcus) said:
Hi Az, I heard about your woes a couple of weeks back when I was on a jolly in the States so I didn’t really feel comfortable posting to here when I was having a good time elsewhere.
I’ve been lurking and wishing you all the best in the meantime but it seems time to send you my best wishes properly.
Please really really do, get well soon.
Best wishes and more.
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azahar said:
Dave, may I refer you to … this! 😉
Hey, guess what? I just saw the doctor and he thinks I’m ready to go home! They’re going to remove the IV and catheter and see how I do walking around. Then they want me to wait until I’ve had lunch to see how I feel, but they reckon I should be able to go home this evening! 🙂
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Dave (aka hootoo Orcus) said:
Yeah, I know. Sorry, difficult not to do that, my bad.
You know, I hope* such does not happen to me. I was violently allergic to morphine after a very minor op once – god knows what I’m going to do if I ever really need proper pain killers again. I can’t even take codeine now.
*Duuu, no shit obviously ;-).
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Linda aka Beatrice said:
Hey you
What they all said – bummer.
But what a fabluous blog you have here darling – I love what you’ve done with the place! And I’m so pleased you might be released today, that fatty broth sounds apalling.
Mwah mwah
xxx
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Jean-Marie (Toy Box) said:
All best wishes to you Azahar
(\___/)
(=’-‘=)
(“)_(“)
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Ben said:
Ikkk. That really is an embuggerance. Very sorry to read it.
Ben
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Ben (Mu Beta) said:
Good news about going home! The rest….my thoughts go with you. You’re a fighter, though – you’ll battle through!
The h2g2 Italics also send their very best.
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sho said:
Spectacular scars are always good icebreakers or something for when a conversation starts to flag.
Bit gobsmacked, really, to read this – being more than usually wrapped up in my own crappy woes.
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B'Elana said:
Good news that you can go home tonight. (hug)
Some people can’t leave a message here (TRiG, and 2legs), so they posted their best wishes on that thread on ‘Ask’, or posted to your PS, I think. 🙂
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healingmagichands said:
Home is best for recovering. Glad to hear you get to go there soon.
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dragonqueen said:
Get home and have some cat snibbling done, ma’m. Doctor’s orders 🙂
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Metro said:
Hey Az,
I’ve been lurking in the background, not commenting but just wishing you the best. This seems a good time to comment, but what should I say that hasn’t been well and truly covered by y/our friends above?
Is snibbling cats anything like nibbling them? I mean, hospital food is one thing, but raw cat seems like a less-than-perfect alternate, albeit possibly more nutritious.
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archiearchive FCD said:
You know those seven words you’re not supposed to say on TV? I just said them all! Stay strong – and snibble often.
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azahar said:
For Metro,
A Well-Snibbled Cat
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azahar said:
Thanks everyone! Toybox, that’s a great cat. 🙂
I don’t know why some people are having trouble posting here – you just have to leave your email address and a name. And TRiG has posted here before. Weird…
I’m just waiting for Nog to come and pick me up then we’ll get a taxi home. I’ve got some serious pain on my right side but I’d rather have it at home than here. It should feel better after a few days.
I’m under instructions from Isabel (of The Team) to spend the next month recovering well, doing things that I enjoy and NOT thinking about cancer and the upcoming chemo. Easier said than done. . .
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Blues Shark said:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=F3HL8XVMih8
Posted for no other reason than to give people a bloody good laugh, which I think we could all do with. One of A&J’s finest moments.
For those like Az who’ve probably never come across them before, there’s a lot of there stuff on here, including some of their marvelous Toy film spoofs.
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Anneke said:
Az,
If it weren’t for the “serious pain on [your] right side” I would offer to come right over and give you some serious snibbling, myself.
I could sing for you but since my singing inevitably results in cries of “Please STOP” (or “Please STOP, Auntie Anneke” or “For the love of GOD! What is that noise?”), I will only do that if I am invited to do so.
So, I will send you e-snibbles, instead.
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Ferrettbadger said:
Hi Az,
So sorry to hear of this… I wish you all the best in making a speedy and full recovery…
Ralph/Ferrrettbadger
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Reddyfreddy said:
Az
So sorry to hear about this today…I can’t really add to all that’s posted above, except to send my good wishes for a speedy recovery.
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Colm said:
Oh dear, Az.
I think someone above said to take every day as it comes. Keep on fighting.
Colm
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Spacecadette said:
Az, all I can say is, Love you.
Well, that and Fuck! and Double-fuck! You’re strong, and I know you’ll be up to the chemo when it’s time has come. I’ll just be here, with all the rest, wishing you a Great Snibble.
Diane/SpaceCadette
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azahar said:
Totally silly, Blues – thanks! 🙂
I was told by Ricardo (of The Team) that this setback doesn’t actually change my 50/50 odds, which I find a bit hard to believe. But apparently it’s a question of getting the right treatment, and without cutting me open they wouldn’t have known about all the peritonial lesions, so I guess that’s a ‘good’ thing.
I’m not sure when my next oncology appointment will be. My surgeon said I probably wouldn’t start the new chemo for about a month, but no doubt I’ll be going in sooner than that for an adjusted ‘treatment and prognosis’ session.
I can’t help but wonder how all these delays are affecting the outcome. I mean, if they’d done the surgery in July instead of starting me on (the wrong) chemo and waiting until September, would they have seen the peritonial lesions then? Or did they develop since then, like the third tumour in my liver (again, due to the delay and being on the wrong chemo)? It’s frustrating that so much of this is out of my control. And having to wait yet another month to start a different chemo treatment just seems like an open invitation to let the cancer spread even further. But there’s nothing I can do about it, so I am told to just accept whatever treatment I’m given and hope for the best. Which sounds sooooo like me (not!).
It’s all very frustrating (and scary).
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Teuchter said:
When you’re in that scary, dark place – just remember that we’re all beside you.
:hugs:
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azahar said:
Thanks, T – I will try.
Hey, I found TRiG’s comments in the spam file just now. Don’t know why I didn’t think to look there yesterday … duh.
And Dave (Orcus) sent me this very adorable photo of his new kittens waving (with a little help from his partner Phil). You can’t help but smile when you see those little faces. 🙂
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ian in hamburg said:
I nominate raincoaster for quote of the bunch:
this just completely sucks donkey cocks on Sunday…
🙂
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azahar said:
Yep, I reckon that about sums it up, ian (well said, raincoaster!).
I have to admit I’m barely ‘processing’ all this at the moment. I think it’s the sort of thing that has to sink in little by little because even little bits of it seem way too overwhelming right now.
Right, time for a shower and then … Boston Legal!
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Paul & Alison said:
So sorry to hear the news.
Continuing to think and pray for you.
Love, Paul & Alisonxx
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truce said:
Ah shit, Az. *comprehensive swearing at the injustice of it*
But I know you are strong and you know you are loved, so those mean little cancerous buggers don’t stand a chance in the long run.
Hope those cats are well and truly snibbled by now.
Much love xxxx
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Dave (aka hootoo Orcus) said:
Hi Az, you’ll be glad to know Phil is mortified at her immortalisation on the web with that photo. Well she says she is but didn’t sound it 😉
Hope you got the even cuter pics I sent 😀
Good to hear that your prognosis hasn’t got worse.
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kea said:
Fuck, bugger, damn, and every other expletive under the sun. Fuck.
I’m so sorry to hear what’s happening Az. Just caught up from Zoomer’s thread on Ask. I’m in awe that you are still fronting up to life so well.
And very glad to see you have so much support here and in your life. Wishing you all the best
kea.
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azahar said:
Thanks Paul & Alison and truce.
I did indeed get the other kitty pics, Dave, though it’s hard to decide which one is cuter. And I love the colour of Phil’s hair.
What a lovely surprise to see you here, kea. Yeah, it totally sucks. I’m mostly keeping my spirits up but yesterday I really bottomed out. It was the first time since this all started back in May that I couldn’t see the point in getting out of bed (though I did) and the day ahead just seemed so daunting. Finally I escaped into a Pratchett book for awhile, which made me laugh in spite of myself, and a bit later on my friend raincoaster started an IM chat with me. After that I felt ‘back on track’ again. I really couldn’t get by without all the support I’ve been getting, both in RL and here.
Oh, and I’ve yet to settle down for an hour or so to listen to the Douglas Adams video as I’ll have to do this in bed, TRiG, but I’m looking forward to it.
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Helen (Elenitsa) said:
Oh Az, what crappy news. Keep fighting girl, you’re one of the strongest women I “know” and you will win in the end. Loads of hugs – take care of yourself sweetheart.
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Marleen / Malabarista said:
Hi, Az – just found this through Ask as well. Can I just say – yikes! Best of luck to you, and I’m glad you seem to have such a wonderful group of people around you to care for you – that’s a relief. Will bookmark the blog now…
Keep us informed, and if there’s anything we can do, I’m sure we’ll all jump at the chance!
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azahar said:
Hey Elenista – long time no see. All hugs gratefully accepted – thanks! 🙂
And welcome to you too, Mal. As you can see in my comment to Orcus, I get into ‘hair talk’ wherever I go. 😉
Keeping people informed will happen here rather than on h2g2. It’s just too much to keep repeating everything all the time. I’ve even got non-blogging RL friends checking here for ‘updates’ because I can’t repeat all this stuff in emails either. It just gets a bit exhausting and I don’t really want to be constantly thinking/talking about cancer, as I’m sure you can all appreciate.
But it’s great seeing so many hootoo friends here – hope you’ll stick around. 🙂
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