Been feeling like I should be put out to pasture…
Seriously, I feel like an old wreck whose parts aren’t working properly anymore and there aren’t any replacements. Every day it’s something else. Well okay, not every day, but it sometimes seems that way. I mean, after getting over the worst effects of the chemo I developed quite painful neuropathy in my feet (less so in my hands) that will only get worse as it gets colder out. And now my right foot has a new problem in the arch and it feels like I am walking on a golfball. Ouch. Oh, and then I found out I had a hernia – remember that? – which erupted a couple of weeks ago and has still not quite healed after being sliced open to drain. What else? Well, there are the regular bouts of tachycardia that nobody can explain, as well as still getting quite winded after even the slightest bit of physical exertion. And then my mammogram results were dodgy and they want me to have another one in six months. Then the other night I was watching TV and suddenly my vision went all distorted and it was like looking through a flashing prism, which scared the hell out of me but luckily only lasted about 15 minutes. And the latest thing was when I was eating a mushroom on Sunday evening and a huge chunk of my back tooth fell out. Just crumbled and fell out, like in one of those anxiety dreams, except I wasn’t dreaming. Upon further inspection I saw that both my upper back teeth are almost totally black. I mean, wtf?
All of which is compounded by averaging only about four hour’s sleep a night. I feel like I’m sleepwalking most of the time and always feel tired and achy inside. And I worry that maybe this means the cancer has come back.
So there. Rant over. It’s just that sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to feel good again, you know? And at the same time I’m happy to feel even this good after the hell that was chemo. Pretty mixed up, eh?
And today I’m off for blood tests. Heigh ho…
casa azahar 
Time. Give it all time. It can take the body a couple of years to bounce back from where you were.
{{{{{{{{{{{az}}}}}}}}}}}}
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{{{{{{{{{{{az}}}}}}}}}}}}
woah, no wonder you feel bad with all that going on. Somehow its the tooth thing that sounds worst to me, maybe because of the similarity to the famous dream and because I have a recurring fear that I will end up with false teeth (my dad used to take his out to scare me when I was little… and, come to think of it, he can’t have been any older than I am now). Maybe the chemo was to blame for the damage to your teeth?
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I’d be ranting too if I had just gone through what you have. And your tooth fell out? That would freak me out. Totally.
{{{{{{{{{{{{az}}}}}}}}}}}
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Ooof. Next thing you know you’ll be dropping limbs.
Seriously, that does sound like a load of really uncomfortable things going on. No wonder you need to rant. Rant away!
I had a visual distortion experience a couple of years ago. It was freaky. After a bunch of tests where nothing was found, they declared it to be due to an “atypical migraine.” (I don’t typically get migraines.)
I hope that you start feeling better soon. And at least get a good night’s sleep.
(Oh, and since everyone else is doing it: {{{{{{{{{{{az}}}}}}}}}}}}!)
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Ow 😦
Can’t find anything to say, except
{{{{{{{{{{{az}}}}}}}}}}}}
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I, too, don’t really know what to say.
Just keep one’s upeer lip stiff in the face of adversity and any other platitudes you may not have had today.
I know nothing about chemo (and a lot more besides 😉 ) but I’m with Archie that it is going to take your body a long time to recover from the amount of shite it has had pumped into it. Doesn’t help you as it is happening though.
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Ooooh, what a lot of curly brackets! Thanks everyone. 🙂
Yeah, the tooth crumbling in my mouth (was wondering why that mushroom was so crunchy!) was kind of the last straw. I was DEALING with everything else up until that point and then it was like … “Can’t I get a fucking break here???”
Of course the reality of all this is that the way I’m feeling right now might also be the best I ever feel again, depending on what next month’s scan shows. And I do try to keep that in mind and enjoy that I’m able to go out for walks, go to the gym and generally enjoy my life. But it does seem like I’m springing leaks all over the place.
Anyhow, went to see Agustín yesterday and got three specialist appointments: eye doctor (January), x-ray for foot (next week) and gyno (December). The last because it’s been a few years since my last pap. But he also told me that if the eye thing happens again I should immediately go to emergency and get it checked out as it could be a detached retina. Googlemeister Mudhooks sent me this link, which pretty much shows what my eye episode looked like, but rather than a circle it stopped when the line curved up on the right. Weird, eh?
As for my tooth, Agustín told me it would be best to see my dentist because the only dental work covered by social security is extractions. But there’s no way I can afford to go to the dentist right now, especially while Sunny’s health is so precarious and may need more vet care (and whatever Visa credit I have left), so I’m going to ask my student Guillermo about it tomorrow. He’s a stomatologist (a dentist who specialises in diseases of the mouth) and if he thinks the only treatment is to get the tooth pulled then I’ll get it done by a social security dentist. If it looks possible to save the tooth that will just have to wait until the new year. Luckily it doesn’t hurt, but what really creeps me out is that the top back teeth have turned black, and Agustín couldn’t offer any explanation for that. So perhaps Guillermo will know.
So, just back from having blood tests done and now I’m going to head off to the gym to ride the dreaded Bike. No classes today. My new doctor student Rogelio is away doing volunteer work in Nicaragua, so that leaves me with just three classes this week. I could also use a break with finding new students. Anyhow, when I get back from the gym I’ll be getting back to work on the Sevilla Tapas ebook and “the store” idea.
I mean, something has to work out eventually, right?
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Not being able to see what you actually saw but just going on my own symptoms, I would say that you probably had exactly what I had which is an Opthalmic Migraine which isn’t the same as a migraine. What I see are little flashing triangles of shimmery light which scintillate starting in one place and sort of rotating in a curved pattern. They don’t really “hurt” just make my eyes and brain feel tired. I never get a headache during or after.
My ophthalmologist said that the term “migraine” is rather misleading because while people who get migraines see auras and lights as a precursor to a migraine, a true Opthalmic Migraine only seems to affect the vision. However, it is not created in the eye, rather, it is created by the brain. She said that it is often related to spending a lot of time looking at the computer screen.
It is always good to get it checked out if you have flashing lights in your vision as they vitreous (the gel inside your eye) shrinks and gets more watery. This is a normal thing in people of a “certain age” and not , in itself, worrisome. However, sometimes the vitreus can pull at the surface of the retina and tear it. The result is that the liquidy vitreous can get in behind the retina and cause it to peel away.
In my case, it didn’t do that. However, I now have what appear to be little hairballs (or in the case of one, a large hairball) in the middle of my vision in my left eye.
According to my doctor, the flashing lights (flashers) I saw in the periphery of my vision was light refracting off vitreous. I only saw it when I looked out of the corner of my eyes of if I flicked my eye suddenly left or right.
Flashers are more like sparkles, lightning or stars when you move your eye, whereas an opthalmic migraine is more of a colourful flashing lights in a pattern (usually in one eye) which remain in your vision whether you move your eyes or whether your eyes are open or shut.
The truly weird thing I had happen one day at work was that at the end of the day, my eyes felt tired and suddenly, my vision went all weird. I could see but everything was doubled. I called out to my co-workers and said that something was happening to my vision. I was looking at my co-worker right in the face…. but in fact, I had my face turned almost away from him to the left. What I was seeing was his face with my left eye and my right eye was looking left. They all said that my eyes were crossed… my left eye looking through the very right corner of my eye and the right looking out the very left corner. I was panicked but it resolved itself within 10 minutes.
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I get those eye things – that video illustration is spot on, it is just like a mini migraine without pain – its a bugger when you are driving. My teeth also are falling out, only its my front one so my smile is getting tighter and tighter as the gums recede into the sunset. Its crap this getting older lark. Achey bones, stiff knees, rotting teeth, dodgy eye sight (oh, yes I wear glasses now) – so much to look forward to and that is all without your added complications. You are strong of heart my lovely friend but give your bod time to get over the battering. In the meantime I am looking forward to the Store so I can indulge in my favourite pass time. Might it be up before Christmas? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx – we do x’s here, not ((( )))’s – or maybe you’d like both?(x(x(x(x)x)x)
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Hey darlin! Great timing as I just received the much-needed M&S underwear delivery a couple of hours ago – thanks again for sending that on. The old knickers and “yoga bras” were getting very tired.
Yeah, I know all of us are feeling the aches & pains of getting older. It’s just that all the shit I mentioned in this rant have only started happening in the past few months. Well, except for the tachycardia, which I’ve had for over twenty years. I’ve also been a bit near-sighted for that same length of time, but my prescription has barely changed since I was 25. And I’ve never even had a headache in my entire life, let alone a migraine.
I know it takes time to heal. And I was all about dealing with what has already happened to me. But this myriad of new symptoms and physical problems that have started up since August – adding insult to injury – seems to be beating me down every time I try to stand up. And I know it’s just “little stuff” in a sense. I guess I’m just tired, Lizzie. Sometimes I feel like I’d like to just go to bed for six months and then wake up totally refreshed.
Let’s talk about “the store” sometime, okay? I think you just might be able to inspire me.
much love,
xxx
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I would have suggested the obvious for the vision disturbance and the tachycardia – panic attacks – if you hadn’t mentioned just how long you’ve had them.
Teeth thing sounds weird but I’d also guess that it was to do with the chemo – I’m sure you all know this, but some of the chemicals used, when mixed up, must be done in a darkened room, with quite the hazmat kit on as it’s so toxic.
On the plus side, you teach so many medical peeps that it’s easy for you to get an opinion on something.
Oh, and {{{{{{{{{{{az}}}}}}}}}}}} zen hugs
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My I add my hugs to all the rest?
I am home today and now can chat WHILE working. So if you need to Skype, do so.
Love you….
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I have recently graduated from needing glasses to read to pretty much needing them in order to be able to decipher any details. I have bifocals right now which are enough of a distraction without having moving rainbows making an aura in front of you. That would drive me stark raving mad, and I don’t have very far to go since I have been slowly driven crazy by the fact that I can’t find my glasses because I need to have them on in order to see my glasses. I know this is not comparable to the deterioration you are suddenly experiencing.
Since it is fall now and everything is dying back and losing its leaves, maybe your body is sort of following suit, allowing non-essential systems to go dormant while the more important roots are being prepared for the winter. Unfortunately, the metaphor stops being so comforting here because in the spring you are not likely to grow new teeth, but at least the remaining ones could stabilize and get healthier.
Anyway, aging and wear and tear suck no matter what the cause.
I know, I know, I’m going on and on, but one of the things they taught me back in massage school is that the process of healing is not like a steady inclined plane from poor health to better health. It is more like the profile of a wild mountain range like the Alps or Rockies, with surges up that are followed by valleys past which there are new peaks to climb until you finally reach the summit of the range.
I have pretty pictures over on my blog. Relaxing pictures.
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sounds like postie had a temper tantrum with the package – shame because i had stuffed a postcard in it. it was a cartoon of two women, one leaning over a cat saying ‘is this a child substitute?’, and the other replied, ‘no, its a domestic cat’. I snorted out loud in the shop when i saw it! maybe you had to be there… anyhow – glad you got the nicks, most important for one’s well being, nice new under garments. xx
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Sorry you’re feeling like shite, getting old is not for the faint of heart, and I can’t imagine how much worse it would be going through chemo et al.
Also: how can a person never have a headache? That’s amazing.
{{{{{{{{{{{az}}}}}}}}}}}}
Take your calcium tablets.
PS, still love this new website skin you’re using, it makes me feel refreshed every time I visit. 🙂
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Oh, that made me happy to read, Beth! That’s the reason I switched themes with the kitchen blog – I found I was always going over there just to look at it and then thought, duh, why not make it your main blog’s theme. Yeah, this one really feels like “mi casa”.
Yep, have never had a headache. Don’t believe in them. 😉
Thanks for telling me about the postcard, Lizzie. I actually got the bag out of the garbage and found it wrapped up in a kind of “pocket” inside the bag. Love it.
Ismarah, the chemo IV bags are also hung with protective black plastic bags over them. That always creeped me out.
Back atcha, Mudhooks.
You always have pretty pictures on your blog, hmh. Going to have a look now…
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I have been going nuts with the “Polaroid” programs… Like I NEEDED another thing to fill my time.
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Some good news! I spoke with my student Guillermo (the stomatologist) today who said that I could go to see him and get the work done for a “special price”, so I think I’ll do that. His practice is in a village just outside Seville, so it’ll be a 5 euro bus ride. But better than spending 70 euros for my usual dentist. Guillermo also told me the “black thing” wasn’t a cause for worry, that it was typical of very old fillings to turn black (which I knew) and then for the surrounding tooth to start absorbing the colour (which I didn’t know).
He also said that the filling didn’t fall out because of the mushroom I ate – basically it was an accident waiting to happen and would have happened at some point no matter what. But he did say that the chemo has probably affected my teeth and has prescribed some fluoride pills.
I’m really very lucky to know so many doctors because of my teaching work.
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