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It’s just that this London job STILL hasn’t paid me and that whole trip has been sitting on my credit card since last September, along with several grocery bill payments and other expenses, I’ve only got two English classes a week and haven’t been able to find enough work for Nog (he doesn’t try to find work for himself), my landlord is angry about late rent payments and told me today he’s going to start charging me for “my portion” of painting the roof which I can’t afford, I’m still working flat out and not making enough to make ends meet, I barely sleep anymore and then wake up feeling exhausted and afraid, I think Azar is getting sick, I worry that I’m getting sick with cancer again, I’m so scared of going back on chemo, I’m still fat even though I keep going to the gym, I feel like I should be doing more, that I’m letting myself down, that everything is unravelling and falling apart…
How’s your day going?
casa azahar 
Take a deep breath and remember what you’ve accomplished this year. You’ve worked SO hard – the fact that the benefits are slow to come doesn’t equate to the effort you’ve put in.
As to all the worries, you can’t do anything about them, that’s what they do, isn’t it? Cram themselves inside your head. Hopefully the metaphorical sun will be shining in your world tomorrow.
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Yeah, I know that things aren’t really much different today than yesterday, though stress has been building over the past few weeks (I can tell because I have no fingernails left!) and the combination of frustration and helplessness is hard to deal with.
I’ve been trying to stay active and not give in to the fear and stress and I guess today I just needed to blow off steam. I actually yelled at my landlord this morning (I think that unfair charge for the roof painting was the last straw) so I may be looking for a new casa az soon…
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What Deb said.
My own trouble all vanished in a puff of magic when I went on holidays in Seville. And while the city is amazing, this wouldn’t have worked quite so well if it hadn’t been for you.
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I wish I’d been in better “condition” to be on holiday with you guys. Every meal out was kind of nervous making for me, but I did enjoy myself. And I’m very glad that you did too.
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Oh, it didn’t show at all that you were nervous! But I was a bit scared of dragonqueen too 😉
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So is there any way you can chase the London payment – without getting on the wrong side of anyone? Is there at least an agreement to pay so that you know it is coming (even if it isn’t as soon as you’d like/need)?
As we’ve said before you have to try to do something about the things you can affect – in my experience – just trying to do that often lightens the load generally. Maybe someone, somewhere just doesn’t realise how hand to mouth your existence is sometimes and a little hurry-up might work wonders?
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I did check with them and they are now chasing the payment. Meanwhile still owe the landlord half the rent – really don’t want to have to talk with him again for awhile.
Anyhow, got some work done this afternoon – a couple of articles – and now I am in for a treat as my friend Annie (a journo here on a research trip) is treating me to a gourmet tasting menu at fabby restaurant here, all in the name of research.
And tomorrow will be another day…
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god, I thought I was having a bad day! You are doing so well girl – keep going, keep putting it out there. The work will come and so will the money. xxxxx
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I hope tomorrow is better for you. Freelancing is great, but sometimes getting paid for the work you’ve done can be harder than the actual work! Hang in there.
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Oh honey, I, too, hope that things look up soon. I know how stressful money worries can be – I sometimes wonder how on earth I would be able to afford to eat if I drank alcohol or smoked cigarettes because I’m so month to month as it is.
I think the best idea is to do something about the things you can change and improve, and try not to let your head get too full of the things you can’t.
On the weight issue – you know how active I’ve always been, and yet I couldn’t shift the stubborn extra kilos I was carrying. I have to say, since I’ve started with the personal trainer its really not so much the exercise that he has me doing which has shifted the flab, its the fact that I have to fill in a food diary every day, with the amounts of carbs, protein and fat each item contains, and stick within limits for each. Lowering my carb intake – not to zero, this isn’t Atkins – has been tough because boy, do I love pasta and bread and rice etc, but it has made a HUGE difference.
But then, its easier for me, because tasting tapas isn’t part of my job!
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Actually it’s pretty easy to low-carb while eating tapas. But I sure could use the help of a personal trainer – lucky you! I actually know a guy I could employ, if I could afford to employ someone. Vicious circle…
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Yeah, I can only just afford him now because I’m spending no money on alcohol, books, clothes and chocolate! But I had a reality check last night when I checked my balance and I’m going to have to stop having a personal trainer next month as I won’t be able to afford that and presents! 😦
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Hug! I can’t think of anything else to say.
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My days lately have been much the same, except I have no actual dependents, only friends who are dependent on me, like the woman whose husband is in the hospital and who needs company basically right through my best working hours, and the club that I volunteer for that needed me to pay $500, that’s right, $500, to cover the losses of the last event, and the …
Well, you get the picture. At this point I’m deliberately reducing my contact with other people because every time I allow one of them to contact me, it asks for a favour.
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Repeat after me: OH, I’M SORRY BUT I CAN’T.
I must be the only person I know who doesn’t find herself doing things out of an externally-motivated sense of obligation. I mean, I do end up doing tons of favours all over the place, but only because I really want to. And when I can’t – or don’t want to – then I simply don’t.
And anyone who asked me for $500 would certainly get a bitter laugh in response along with some muttering about blood and stones, etc.
It’s a good policy because this way I never end up doing things and then resenting people or being annoyed at myself.
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The problem is, I’m the President. The VP of events, who organized it, quit two days before the event. Nobody else, despite some very rich salaries, stepped up and paid even a penny, but I like to hold my head up and pay my debts, so I paid it. Now I’m so depressed and stressed I’m applying for disability.
And when I say “no, I can’t,” it tends to come out more “so, how is it my problem your husband is dying?” which is not helpful. I’m going to explode at someone, sooner or later, but I just hope it’s someone trivial.
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Well, that sounds like a pretty tough spot, but naming and shaming those who wouldn’t step up to help sounds like a good plan to me.
And of course you want to help your friend whose husband is in hospital (dying?) but you know, when I was in hospital I hated feeling like I was putting people out. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to be honest about just how much you are able to do right now – I’m sure your friend would understand. So instead of “sorry I can’t” say “I am happy to do *this*” …
You need a snibble! And I’m probably the only one who would dare to offer you one so consider it done. We’ll have to set up a Skype chat soon, okay?
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That’s a bit rich… Getting YOU to fork out for something you volunteer for… I’d have a few choice things to say if I were in your shoes.
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Why do YOU have to pay anything for the painting of the roof? It is his building not yours.
I know how difficult it is to stay positive about some things when other things (which are out of your control) are weighing so heavily. And short of saying all the things that bug me when others say them to me when I am in the same position, I will simply send you hugs and love….
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That whole thing is going to have to be worked out. I know it’s not my responsibility and I know not everyone in the building is going to be charged. So – not fair! But it felt like my very home was being threatened and I get so super-defensive when something like that happens that I quite often scare myself. Luckily I just walked away after saying “yeah well where the hell do you expect me to come up with MORE rent when I can barely scrape it together now???”. Also pointed out that charging me for the new water heater was WRONG, so maybe we can call it quits. Roof painting for water heater. We shall see.
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