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one last day

I took Loki in for another treatment last night but I feared the worst as the past couple of days he’d really gone downhill. He hadn’t been eating, had no energy, and was also having trouble walking. So they did an ultrasound and it showed tumours in his pancreas and liver, also enlarged kidneys. His temperature had dropped and a second blood test showed that his kidneys were basically shutting down. And Sonia gave it to me straight, that it was time to make that terrible decision. Honestly, floods of tears at the vet’s, I totally lost it. So I said I wanted to take him home for at least one more night – I couldn’t just leave him there – and Sonia consoled me by saying that failing kidneys was actually a “muerte suave” and that he wouldn’t be in pain. She said he’d mostly be weak and disoriented, like being in a dream, not really knowing what was going on. Except I know he knows. But as long as there’s no pain…

Anyhow, I couldn’t bear the idea of taking Loki back to the vet’s and for his last memories to be yet another scary taxi ride, and then to be put on a cold hard table in a strange place surrounded by bright lights and strangers. Then I remembered that when Lua was on her way out my vet came over to the house to administer the final injection, so I asked if they could do this too. And yes, they can. But not until Wednesday. So that gives me until tomorrow with my beautiful boy. I took this pic this morning. He’s next to me in bed, all bundled up and snoring. My heart.