I came across the following on the Colon Club discussion forum – a list of seven things you shouldn’t say to people with cancer. I thought it was pretty good, though some don’t really apply to me. And I’ve added a couple more at the end.

Hearing that a loved one has been diagnosed with cancer can cause anyone to be anxious. You begin to think about all the right things to say in your anxiety and oftentimes end up saying the worst. Although the objective is not to cause harm to this person, ultimately you can, with your words, end up doing just that and cause your loved one to plunge further into depression. No doubt hearing that “C” word turns a lot of us into fools, but if you find yourself in a position where a family member or friend has revealed that they have cancer, here are some things you might not want to say. . .

1. Save the horror stories. Now is not the time to remind your relative of uncle Ben’s battle with cancer which later resulted in death. You would think that common sense would dictate that a cancer patient does not need to be given all the excruciating, miserable and awful details of a friend’s or relative’s battle with cancer. Yes we know, you just want to be supportive and cheer the person up, but you need to find a better way to do so. Don’t help them remember how many persons die from it every year either.
2. Don’t promise your help if you won’t give it. The line “If there is anything I can do, don’t be afraid to tell me”, comes readily to some persons as soon as they hear that a friend or family member has been diagnosed with cancer. The reality is that some persons don’t mean it and so when the request is made for help, this becomes so obvious. Don’t promise your assistance if you don’t intend to stand by your word.
3. Don’t say you know what it’s like. If you were never in a position where you had cancer, then you have absolutely no idea what it is like. It is best to say you can imagine what it is like instead; that’s much safer.
4. Don’t tell them they should be grateful. One of the worst things you can say to a cancer patient is, “You should be grateful, at least you are not dead”. When someone is going through the kind of pain and suffering that accompanies breast cancer, don’t tell them that they should be thanking God for it.
5. Don’t say they shouldn’t be sad. Although you may be getting tired of seeing them moping, don’t tell them they shouldn’t be sad. They have a right to feel however they want to, since they are the ones going through it. It is better to tell them you don’t like seeing them that way instead.
6. Don’t say this is just a bump in the road. You can always avoid a bump in the road, but you can hardly ever avoid cancer. Losing one’s hair, body parts, getting chemotherapy, having hot flashes and feeling very anxious and insecure at times, is not necessarily a bump, it is more like a mountain.
7. Don’t say they’ll be just fine. You are not in a position to guarantee this. Telling them not to worry about their situation might seem that you are giving them the brush off. It could be interpreted to mean that you cannot be bothered with their fears.

The worst one of these for me has been number 2. I had an awful experience with someone just after I received the first prognosis and kind of fell apart. Not only did this person who had promised to “be there” for me walk away without a word of explanation, they also cut off all contact with me. It was even more hurtful than my family not being there for me (other than Joe & Olivia) because they had never promised me anything and I hadn’t expected them to. I have since been very careful that nobody but Nog ever sees me “scarily needy & vulnerable”. Heck, I won’t even cry in front of anyone except Nog & Pipocas anymore, and I try not to as much as I can.  But sometimes it’s good to have a safe place to cry, you know?

Re: number 1. I think sometimes people just can’t help themselves. But it really doesn’t help. And curiously, neither do the happy ending stories.

Re: number 3. I would add that unless someone’s cancer was actually life-threatening and they have gone through the horrors of chemo that they should also refrain from saying they know what it’s like.

Re: numbers 4 & 5. Nobody has been so crass as to say this to me and I hope noone ever will.

Re: number 6. I haven’t actually had anyone say exactly that, though many have referred to what I’m going through as a “journey”. Just. Don’t. Okay?

Re: number 7. I’ve finally weaned Nog off this one. Now he says other stuff. It’s much better.

I would add … please don’t tell me I’m being brave. You don’t know what I’m feeling. If there were any other option I’d take it! I’m actually scared out of my wits most of the time.

And as I’ve already mentioned here … please take off the kid gloves. I had a friend email me the other day saying that she hoped her humour was okay. Good grief – I’m not dead yet! And often the most irreverent sounding jokes make me laugh the most. Like the other day after the second prognosis when I was talking about maybe dying soon and Pablo said that he & Nog weren’t that lucky.   😉

Anyhow, I think all of you have not only done very well at knowing what not to say,  you also do very well at knowing just what to say. I know I’m often at a loss for words in situations like this myself, so I admire that in you. And in the end it’s not so much what is said, it’s that you keep showing up here and keep me company.

Thanks, guys.