Category Archives: cancer

lockdown day 12: all that cancer training paid off

25 Wednesday Mar 2020

Posted by in cancer, casa azahar, coronavirus, sevilla

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So okay, since lockdown on March 14th I’ve been out of the house twice, both times for supermarket runs and to take out the rubbish (with all the cooking I’ve been doing and the CAT SAND, I can’t leave it longer than that). But each time I’ve felt like I was dodging bullets. Even though my closest supermarket has been taking great care with protecting both its staff and customers I feel extra vulnerable due to, well MY AGE, and also as I’ve mentioned before, the autoimmune shit going on due to previous stage 4 cancer & chemo.

Meanwhile, of course I miss my old life. I miss my work, my friends, being able to make a living. And I really miss my 10,000 step walks along the river and through the city. And then I hear people saying they can’t live without getting outside for their daily run or a bit of fresh air. Well, you know what? Of course you fucking CAN. You just don’t want to.

Maybe it’s my previous experience with having had stage 4 cancer and being twice on chemo, and having 4 major abdominal operations that pretty much robbed me of a year and a half of my life… I learned that when someone tells me to stay home, I fucking stay home. I don’t think, “oh but I want my old life back” and defy the orders, not to mention the odds. Because when you have stage 4 cancer there is no guarantee that you will ever get your old life back again, or any life at all.

There was also the fact that I felt like death warmed over most of the time, so going out wasn’t really that appealing anyhow. But I did ALWAYS wish I could go out again. And then one day I could. In fact the one time I defied the rules and went out too soon after my final operation in 2011… blam! hernia! Nobody to blame but myself.

So while, yeah, I’m going a bit stir crazy and of course I’d love to be outside in the spring sunshine, all of that, I also find myself going into self-protective mode, hunkering down, waiting for this to pass. With the feeling of having been here before, I know what it’s like, and I know I can deal with it. Back then, with the whole cancer thing, I didn’t have hope per se, but I perservered. One day at a time, not knowing what the final outcome would be.

Well guess what? There really was no actual final outcome other than somehow I didn’t die, and somehow I am still here long after I was told I wouldn’t be. So about this coronavirus? Same deal. Except instead of it just happening to me it’s happening to all of us.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve already had the experience of having had my life put on hold, with little or no guarantee that things would get better. This time I’m doing it with all you guys. Stay healthy… and stay home! We can do this. xx

one down, two to go…

13 Thursday Feb 2020

Posted by in cancer, friends, health & happiness, hospitals

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So there I was, up at 6.00 am in order to prepare for the prep… which began at 6.30. Four fucking litres of this vile solution, downed in 250ml doses every 15 minutes over 4 hours. After the first hour is when the fun starts. I was amazed that I was actually able to down all 16 doses, but after awhile nothing mattered anymore, so what the fuck, what was one more disgusting oral and anal experience? After that I had to spend 4 hours not drinking even one drop of water. You’d think that by this point I’d have had enough liquid to last me, but as I’d also lost a lot of liquid I was actually quite thirsty, and I’m not used to going that long without water.

Anyhow… got a taxi over to the hospital with my friend Paz. These days I go to as many hospital visits on my own as possible, but this one required that I be accompanied because they administer a mild sedative. In this case it wasn’t that mild! A dolantin-valium cocktail totally knocked me out and I woke up again an hour later going – wut? By then it was all over and they were wheeling me into the recovery room. Seriously I don’t ever remember being knocked out so completely during any previous colonoscopy/endoscopy procedures. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation? Whatever, it was done and – YAY! – I was told that there were no signs of cancer and I was good to go.

And so I went, with Paz, for a long walk over to the Huerta de Rey Moro, a community garden where some of her family were having a birthday party for one of her many nephews. Grabbed a cold beer, hung out with the family for awhile and then decided – fuck I’m hungry! I mean, it had been over 36 hours since my last bite. So I wandered over to Eslava for a snack and also to just feel normal again. These hospital things really take it out of me, so I got back into my element, chatting with the barmen, doing a bit of Instagramming… and after that I was ready to go home. It was such a relief to open my door to three hungry cats, feed them, put on my PJs and get ready for a cosy evening at home. BUT THEN THIS HAPPENED… (stay tuned)…

ufff…

12 Wednesday Feb 2020

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So for the second time in two weeks I am going through the hideous colonoscopy prep, which is usually something people only have to endure once every few years. My last colonoscopy was two years ago but recent findings (looking for leaks!) have led to me having another one sooner than usual. Unfortunately that barium xray a couple of weeks ago also required this same prep so here I am again. But with a difference.

Previous tests were either in the morning or at midday, so the “clear liquids only” day was the day before the procedure, starting the dread EVACUANTE the evening before, dividing the 16 doses (10 in the evening, 6 the next morning). This time my appointment is at 4 pm, so I  have to start the liquid diet after lunch today and then GET UP AT 7 AM AND TAKE ALL 16 DOSES before 11 o’clock. I dunno… have never managed to get more than 10 down in a row, and am always – literally – gagging on the last two. Six more (one every 15 minutes) means an extra hour and a half of this liquid hell. Uffff….

The “good” news is that (well, so my onc says) they aren’t checking for cancer this time, even though all my test reports since November (CT, ultrasound, endoscopy, barium xray) mention a suspicious area of inflammation and state that they cannot completely rule out neoplastic pathology. Whatevs. More news as it happens…

après oncology

06 Thursday Feb 2020

Posted by in cancer, friends, gastronomy, hospitals, sevilla, tapas bars

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I mean, what the heck, right? Have to say that I always look forward to après oncology when I have a midday appointment. And of course it’s always extra nice to have a friend come with me to see the oncologist, especially a bilingual friend who can help me out with any language “issues” (like totally forgetting how to speak or understand Spanish…). This is the second time Claudia has come with me and I appreciate it so much. She and Paul also accompanied me for the endoscopy and Claudia will come with me for next week’s colonoscopy. I’m usually fine going for tests on my own, but the ones where they drug you up require that I have someone with me. Anyhoo… this time we stopped over at the fabulous Yebra for post-hospital tapitas and had a great time.

The upshot of this oncology visit, after reviewing the results of the barium enema from a couple weeks ago, was that… they still don’t know if I have a fistula (leakage from my intestine into my abdoman) or not. So I am now going to have more tests, this time a barium x-ray taken of my upper gastro area (so will have to drink it this time – ick), another colonoscopy, and yet another CT scan, plus more blood work. They don’t think anything cancerous is going on, but so far they still haven’t been able to prove there isn’t. At this point I reckon I’m going to die of radiation poisoning before anything else gets me. Wish me luck!

fed up

10 Friday Jan 2020

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, hospitals, sevilla

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Let’s recap here, shall we? About a year ago my new oncologist told me I was cancer free and no longer required further tests. She said to me – and I quote – “If that pain comes back then go to emergency”. But I was no longer on the watch list for possible cancer recurrence. WTF? As most people know, by the time you are in any kind of serious pain because of cancer, you are pretty much already dead.

Meanwhile, to this date nobody can explain why I’m even fucking alive, and apparently my case flummoxed pretty much everyone who was involved with it. This is why I had regular PET scans, twice a year for five years after my last chemo in 2009, then once a year for the following five. And then in January 2018 suddenly there was some issue about an inflammatory area that had increased from one PET to the next, and suddenly I was seeing a new onc who gave me a whack of other tests: CTs, colonoscopy, endoscopy… and then pronounced me cancer-free. As in, you can go away now.
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