Category Archives: health & happiness

tenía cáncer

23 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by in cancer, change, health & happiness, hope

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Five years ago I wrote a blog post about having seen this graffiti four years previously on a wall near the train station in Jerez. Something had moved me to take a photo of it. I think it was the heart under the sad message “I have cancer” that made it so poignant. Then a couple of days later I suddenly doubled over in pain and the rest, as they say, is history. Something I obviously hope will remain history.

I don’t know what made me think of this graffiti when I was back in Jerez for feria last week, but on the way back to the station I decided to have a look for it…. and there it was! Well, sort of. I thought that because I hadn’t noticed it again in over nine years that it had probably been painted over. And it turns out it had been, but not by another layer of graffiti as I had suspected. Someone just blanked it out with white paint.

I have to admit that at first this kind of gave me the shivers, especially as you can still see a ghost of the message showing through. I’ve often wondered if the person who created the original had actually had cancer, or if someone they loved did, or… well, there are many possible scenarios. Likewise now I am wondering why the graffiti was painted over. Did the artist (or their loved one) die? Or did they get better and this was a way of wiping out this spectre of their past? Or was it simply that the bar next door just didn’t like it being there?

Anyhow, I much prefer this modified version I made of it four years ago. It was a bold statement then as I still hadn’t reached “five year club” status. Though I think that no matter how many years go by there is always a “for now” lurking there when I think “I don’t have cancer”, because really, how do I know? Only the next PET scan can say for sure. Perhaps better to just think “I had cancer” (tenía cáncer) and keep hoping for the best while continuing to carpe that diem.

fingers

01 Saturday Oct 2016

Posted by in health & happiness, hospitals, london

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fingers

So while on holiday back in August I was on my usual number 15 London bus heading into town and had secured the front seat on the upper deck (yay!). Getting close to my stop the bus was stopped at a red light, so I thought this was a good time to make my way downstairs. Then, as soon as I was at the top of the stairs the bus took off again and down I went! My right hand automatically shot out to break my fall and smashed against the railing. In the end I only stumbled down a couple of stairs, but the damage was done. Hand immediately started hurting like a sumbitch.

Next day I met my friend Thane for lunch. She took one look at my hand and told me to take my ring off immediately before the swelling got so bad I’d have to get it sawed off. Which turned out to be very good advice. And well, since then, it really hasn’t been getting any better. So I finally went to have it x-rayed and it seems like nothing is broken. But the space between my pinky and ring finger is still very tender and swollen (almost two months later), which can’t be right. Someone suggested I get an MRI done, since x-rays don’t often show the whole picture.  My doctor says I should keep icing it and STOP USING IT (or at least as much as possible). Really not sure what to do at this point.

el dentista

08 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by in health & happiness, sevilla, we love tapas, work

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dentistI can’t believe it’s been TWO YEARS since I last went to the dentist (when I got my first crown and some other work done). But an old filling next to the crown had fallen out and so back I went. I’ve mentioned before how much I love my dentist, which is probably not something most people can say, so I no longer feel the dread of impending pain and financial ruin that used to come over me before dentist visits.

This time there were two visits and on the second one Peter came with me to have his teeth looked at. Even worse than me, he hadn’t been to the dentist in over ten years (!!!), and like me, he’d lost a filling. He also had a serious cleaning done, which has made a huge difference. Now that he is working part time for We Love Tapas he has been put on the “company dental plan”.  😉

barefootin’

13 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by in health & happiness, home, seasons, shoes

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barefootingHAPPY FEET

One of the many joys of living in Sevilla is that I get to wear sandals 8 months of the year. Which means I still have to wear shoes for 4 months, each day of which makes me feel somehow TRAPPED, especially when I also have to wear tights (socks are bad enough). My toes were meant to wriggle around free, so of course the first thing I do when I get home is kick off my footwear and go barefootin’.

Well, okay, in summer I also give my feet a nice cool wash after being outside in HOT SANDAL WEATHER. And in winter I need to wear slippers to keep my feet warm, but always opt for the soft “fluffy sock” kind of slipper, rather than the ones that are basically shoes with hard soles. In short, whatever is or feels closest to being barefoot is when I feel the most comfortable and my feet are happiest.

And so today, while taking a nice long afternoon break to watch a film (hols at home!) I was struck by a couple of scenes with people at home WEARING SHOES and it occurred to me that this is always happening in films and television programmes. People wearing shoes at home. Like, while they’re cooking or relaxing… today it was a guy lounging on the sofa reading the newspaper and WEARING SHOES. I mean seriously, do people in real life actually do this?

While I was in the throws of The Torcal Incident a couple of weeks ago, Victor asked me if I wore shoes at home or went barefoot. Perhaps he was just trying to take my mind off possibly having to be airlifted out of the place with two broken ankles, but he said that he’d heard that older people (presumably ME) had way better balance if they didn’t wear shoes at home. And again I thought “who the hell wears shoes at home?”

So I ask you… do you wear shoes at home? And if so… WHY?

what a monday!

11 Monday Apr 2016

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, hospitals

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observation tests

THIS is what I ended up drinking instead of Tío Pepe en Rama today! But I’m getting ahead of myself. What happened was that after a lazy Sunday I settled down with Morcilla to watch some Netflix and have a late lunch (roasted cauliflower and parmesan noodles) and about an hour later I started feeling sharp pains in my upper abdomen. It got so bad that I had to go lie down, and after awhile the vomiting started. This lasted all night and by morning I was in so much pain I could barely stand up. Yep, it was time to go to Emergency.

When I got there I had my belly prodded and was immediately x-rayed, had blood taken, and was given an intravenous blast of painkiller (phew!). And about an hour or so later I was told the dreaded news that I would be staying in for Observation. They suspected an obstruction and, given my history, didn’t want to take any chances. I had been hoping it was my hernia acting up, but the doctor said the hernia wasn’t “presenting as a problem”. She said it was more likely the adhesions, but that they wanted to rule out, you know, CANCER. So I was wheeled over to Observation, where I put on my gown and got into bed. Luckily by this time the vomiting had stopped otherwise I would have had to have the super-dreaded NASOGASTRIC tube stuck down me in order to ingest the liquid you see above (a contrast agent for the second x-ray, for comparison with the first). Imagine licorice-flavoured snot…

Long story short, the second x-ray didn’t show anything alarming and by this time I had had a BM (more proof there wasn’t a serious obstruction anywhere) and was told that if I was fine (no vomiting) after having a snack, then I could go home. I also got to see the surgeon who had performed all my ops. But I was already counting the minutes – being in the Observation is not an experience I would wish on anybody – so when they suggested I also stay for dinner just to be sure I PROMISED I would come back immediately if there was the slightest return of the previous symptoms. And so they let me go.

What a Monday. I was supposed to have gone to the presentation of this year’s Tío Pepe en Rama, which has become something of a tradition. But to be honest, I was just so relieved that nothing was seriously wrong, and so happy to be back home with the cats, that missing the event didn’t seem so important. I’m supposed to stick to a bland diet for awhile as they are still not sure what caused the temporary obstruction. But as you can see below, adhesions are quite nasty things to have, and can cause all kinds of painful (and sometimes deadly) mayhem. Since I have had four major abdominal surgeries you can imagine the mess that’s going on in there. There is a chance of having some of the adhesions removed, but as this would involve another surgery, it will probably end up with more adhesions later on anyhow. Will have to seek some medical advice about this.

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back to the gym!

03 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by in gym, health & happiness

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cuesta sport

I can’t believe it’s been four months (!!!) since my left knee gave out (followed by my spectacular fall up the stairs) and I had to stop going to the gym. Thanks to Sled, I was able to start doing some trigger point therapy, which helped a lot. In fact, I probably could have gone back to the gym a month ago, but with the end of the holidays, my birthday stuff, etc, I probably would’ve missed two weeks anyhow. So this is a photo of my gym that I swiped from their website. Those are the bikes I ride (for a whole hour!) and that’s one of the machines I use (left hand corner). It actually feels great to be back. For now, three days a week.

ct vs pet

12 Thursday Nov 2015

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, hospitals

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ct vs petToday I had to go see my new oncologist. Which wasn’t nerve-wracking as I had already got the ALL CLEAR good news results just after my most recent PET scan a couple of weeks ago. Some of you may recall that a few years ago my then oncologist totally misread my results and told me I only had a year to live. The asshat hadn’t even seen the biopsy report, she just handed out a death sentence. After that I started seeing the sub-director of Oncology, and that was great. I could talk to her, she got things done, and all tests went smoothly. Until she got cancer!

And so last year I was told that after this year’s PET scan I would be transferred back to my original oncology group. Well, okay. Except I walked into the office this afternoon and I swear there were two 14-year-olds sitting there. And their idea was that I should have a CT scan in 6 months and, if that went well, I would continue with annual CT scans. WTF? I told them that last year (after reaching the five year cancer free point) I’d been told I would be having PET-CT scans anually, and they said “BY WHO?”… honestly, they couldn’t have been more unprofessional (caught one of them giggling at me as I was getting up to leave). Anyhow, we have left it that they would get in touch with Nuclear Medicine and sort out the next step of my future scans. Meanwhile, I’d rather be getting the PET-CT scans, wouldn’t you?

trigger happy

02 Monday Nov 2015

Posted by in books, friends, health & happiness

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trigger points

The jury (well, my doctor) is still out on the No Cycling Situation especially after my spectacularly stupid fall up the stairs, further damaging my knee. It’s been a month since I’ve been to the gym now, and I really miss it! I am considering getting a private trainer for awhile at least, because if I show up for regular pilates or yoga classes with a list of things I can’t do I’ll be like a gluten & lactose intolerant vegan asking for a food tour. And yeah, I know there are probably other things I can do at the gym on my own, but I’d like to get a good routine going that takes into account stuff like my knee, lower back and hernia issues.

Meanwhile I received this fab book from my dear friend Sledpress and, in spite of me not doing the treatments as often as I should, the knee has noticeably improved. I’m still not dancing up and down the stairs, but at least now I don’t have to take them one step at a time. So… progress! Thanks again, Sled.

scanxiety is what it is

21 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, home, hope, hospitals

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scanxiety

I came across this the other day whilst thinking about scanxiety, and at first I thought, hey yeah, that’s cool. But then I thought, hey wait a minute.

I agree with the bit that talks about the things that cause our anxiety have already happened (so saying not to worry about things that will never happen obviously does not work here). And I agree with the part that says it’s about remembering. Because it did happen to me. Again and then again. So you know, why wouldn’t it happen yet again?

Which brings me to the part I disagree with “it’s not so much about worrying.” Sorry, for me it’s TOTALLY about worrying. And fretting, and second-guessing, and hoping, and regretting, and even panicking. Hey, it happened before, it can happen again. Why is that so hard to understand? And all those well meaning people who say “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine”… I kind of wish they wouldn’t say that. I know it’s not meant as such but it feels a bit like being given the brush off. That I am worrying about nothing. Really? If your cancer came back twice would you honestly and truly believe it would never come back again? That there is nothing to worry about? Think again.

So what’s the best thing to say to someone terrified about the possible outcome of yet another PET scan? Well, how about whatever is real for you? That you have no idea what I’m going through but you are hoping for the best. That you will get on the next plane if it all goes tits up. That you’ve been through this yourself and it’s totally shit and you’ll be waiting for me on the other side of the results. And even that you care a lot but simply don’t know what to say – that’s all totally okay and also totally understandable.

But please don’t tell me not to worry. Or that of course I will be okay. Though in fact, it turns out I am okay this time, at least for now. Yesterday’s PET scan was ALL CLEAR. And I’m still processing this. It will take a few days before I allow myself to feel all that happy relief. Or rather, I will dole it out bit by bit… once you have almost died you learn to savour things, so this happy joy of once again dodging a cancer bullet should keep me going until at least Christmas. After that, it will be life as usual again. Or at least as usual as it ever is for cancer survivors. Hey, thanks for listening. xx