Category Archives: health & happiness

to have and have not

09 Wednesday May 2018

Posted by in cancer, casa azahar, chemo, health & happiness, home, sevilla

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This has been a strange week for me. Exactly ten years ago I went to the Feria de Jerez and spent a fun day there with friends. And on the way back to get the train I saw this graffiti (Tengo Cancer – I Have Cancer) on the wall beside a bar next to the station, and something about it moved me to take a photo. There was something poignant yet hopeful yet… I dunno… about it. Whatever. I took the photo.

The very next day I doubled over in extreme pain and thus began two of the most profound years of my life. Not going to go over the whole ordeal again here – if you’re interested you can check out this link. Suffice it to say I somehow survived stage 4 colon cancer with metastasis to the liver and peritoneum, including 3 major abdominal surgeries and being on chemo twice (first 2 months, then 5 months). The chemo was diabolical, but apparently got rid of all the nasty cancer. At what cost to the rest of my body cells? Frankly, I don’t give a damn. I just don’t ever want to go back on chemo again. It was then that I (badly) photoshopped the graffiti photo thusly…

Fast forward to January 2018 and another routine PET scan. Except instead of being given the usual – everything looks fine, see you next year! – I was told there was concern about an area of inflammation that had grown significantly since the previous PET scan. This led to me having several tests done, including a colonoscopy, endoscopy and a CT scan. With a second CT coming up in June, so they can check the progress (or decline) of the “area of concern”. Worried? Well, hell yeah! Because that’s basically all I ever do. Not just about health issues. I worry about EVERYTHING. All. The. Time. It’s exhausting, but I can’t seem to help it.

Anyhoodle… getting back to my initial story. This week marks the 10th anniversary of the beginning of the whole cancer thing, which in my mind is always connected with the Feria de Jerez. And so today I had to go. Nothing morbid or weird, it was more like touching base. Because back then was when all that started, and ten years later I am still here and able to go back and enjoy my favourite feria in Spain. So I did. And it was lovely (nice feria pics coming soon – promise!).

Except this year I am not sure if I “have or have not”… tengo o no tengo. Still waiting to find out. And these days this is what is left of that poignant graffiti. Looks a bit ghostly. Like they tried to paint over it but couldn’t quite get rid of it. I’ve often wondered who this person was, and whether they got better. I sincerely hope so. Just like I hope I will continue to be okay too. So… bit of an emotional day.

 

diy pedi

20 Friday Apr 2018

Posted by in gadgets, health & happiness, retail therapy

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While still on the lookout for a recommended place in Sevilla to get a professional pedicure I came across this baby on sale (30% off!) so I decided what the heck. Tried it last night and, although still a ways to go before my heels are “velvet smooth” (you’re not supposed to sand off too much at one time), it does seem to be doing the job. Anyone else have one of these?

empathy cards

28 Wednesday Mar 2018

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, humour

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Thanks to Kate @sledpress for sending this my way. What an excellent idea. Empathy cards for serious illnesses – or what to say when you don’t know what to say – by Emily McDowell. Though of course I hope none of you will ever have to send me one, they are quite clever and right on the money. Reminded me of that list I posted here a few years ago… stupid things people say.

my first endoscope

01 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by in cancer, friends, health & happiness, hospitals, sevilla

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The endoscope examination is pretty much like the one at the other end, except without the horrendous massive “clean out” prep. For this one all I had to do was not eat or drink for 8 hours before the test. I actually had my last meal more than 12 hours before, but going 8 hours without any water (!!!) was really hard. I’m a 2-litre a day water drinking fiend.

Just like with the colonoscopy I was sedated before the procedure but this time I wasn’t so lucky with my nurse, who could NOT seem to find a vein anywhere. And hand pokes are way more hurty than arm pokes, but anyhow. I was eventually chemically relaxed enough and they did their stuff. It was uncomfortable more than painful, and I got a bit gaggy towards the end, but nothing too awful. And then I was wheeled into the recovery area.

And the best thing of all was that they told me they hadn’t found anything, that I was “all clear”! I have to say that I love this about the Digestivo department, giving patients their results straight away so they don’t have to wonder and worry until they see their doctors again (my next onc appt is March 19th). Though I suspect they only hand out the good news results. But hey, I am happy.

From what I understand, this now means that they have ruled out two of the main possibilities for recurrence – for now. Next up will be another CAT scan three months from now to compare those results to the last one. The main issue being ALL THAT INFLAMMATION that nobody can explain. And so… good, right? At least until I hear otherwise. And so, back to living in denial.  😉

still in limbo…

26 Monday Feb 2018

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I’ll write something more about my fab weekend away later. As usual, it was great to come home and be welcomed by los gatos (this big lug was especially happy to have his comfy warm human lap back). Though I didn’t sleep so well because today I had my oncology appointment to get the results for the colonoscopy and CAT scan. Bottom line is that I am still in limbo for now.

The colonoscopy results were good, which I already knew because at the time I asked them if they had taken samples to be tested, and they said no because they hadn’t found anything. Phew!

But I had to wait until today for the CAT scan results. In a word, they were inconclusive. There is still that pesky area of inflammation sitting over my stomach that is obscuring any clear scan results, either the PET or CAT. The reason I am getting all these extra tests now is because the last PET scan results showed that the inflammation had grown substantially since the previous one, and I was also in a lot of pain. Though shortly after the last PET the pain suddenly disappeared.

And so, because they don’t actually know what is going on in that murky area of inflammation, I now have to have an endoscopy so they can look inside my stomach. That will happen on Thursday. AND THEN… I have to go through the hell of waiting for results until my next oncology appointment on March 19th.

I like my new oncologist. She is very clear and sympathetic, and answers all my questions. Today she said that because of this “murky area” they simply cannot say with certainty that I am in the clear. And so even if the endoscopy comes back clean, they will still want to do a follow-up CAT scan in three months. She said the only way to be 100% sure that I have no cancer is to operate, which she thinks is too aggressive an approach at this time, especially as the pain has disappeared.

After having undergone four major abdominal operations, the main suspect at the moment is post-op adhesions, when the buildup of fibrous bands of scar tissue wreaks havoc on the surrounding organs. This very same buildup often shows up as inflammation on scans, and can obscure scan results.

So here I am once again in limbo. Of course I am relieved that I wasn’t told today that they’d found cancer and then passed on a death sentence… but I am not out of the woods yet. Because although my doctor told me today it was a positive sign the pain had gone, they wouldn’t be doing these extra tests fer nuthin. So today felt like a “stay of execution”, and now I am waiting (with fingers crossed) for a full pardon. xx

tic tac

13 Tuesday Feb 2018

Posted by in health & happiness, home, hospitals

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Compared to a PET scan a CAT scan (or in Spanish a TAC) is a piece of cake. The prep is basically the same, just don’t eat from the evening before. Though in this case they asked me to drink a litre of water an hour before the CAT, but that is WAY EASIER than prepping for a Colonscopy. The main difference is that a PET takes about half an hour inside the machine WITHOUT MOVING (and of course when they tell you NOT TO MOVE you suddenly get a leg cramp or a nose itch). The CAT is mere moments in the machine, so easier, though both scans require that a substance be injected prior to the test.

As always, the main issue I have with these various injections is lucking out with a nurse who can FIND A VEIN. It ain’t easy. Apparently I have very fine veins which are difficult to locate and, to make matters worse, they also “roll” when the needle is stuck in, making it very hard to hit the target. Often they go for the easier option – THE HAND – because you can at least see a couple of veins there. But my right hand was still bruised and swollen from the colonoscopy nurse, who used it to inject a sedative last week, and the left hand wasn’t giving any clues as to where my veins might be. Eventually my very kind nurse today found a vein in my left arm to inject the contrast stuff… after that the scan itself only took five minutes. The nurse also wrapped my “needle wound arm” very tightly with tape – I mean really tightly – and I asked if that was necessary (because it kinda hurt). And she said – “well, I don’t want you to end up with a huge bruise like you have on your hand now”.  And she was right. A few hours later there is no bruise on my inner arm, yet my hand is still bruised and tender a week later.

Peter very kindly came to the hospital with me for my 8.45 am appointment, and once the test was over we decided that we should find a nice place for breakfast. There was an option to taxi to the centre of town and start looking from there, but I really just wanted to walk. And so we started walking and suddenly it came to me that I had to have a breakfast bagel at Otto Café!!! Which was just over an hour away – or 9000 Fitbit steps – from the hospital. But dammit, we did it.

After that I did a bit of shopping at the market, and now I am home making a killer chicken garum masala (most of which will end up in the freezer for later). And all the while I am hoping all is well. I didn’t sleep a wink last night, other than a short period when I dreamt that they found all kinds of cancer in me after my tests. My next oncology appointment is February 26th, but I am hoping Isabel will be able to let me know my CAT results before then. Waiting is hell.

colonoscopy prep

06 Tuesday Feb 2018

Posted by in food & drink, health & happiness, hospitals, sevilla

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Since Sunday I have been on the pre-colonoscopy low residue diet. It’s really not that hard to stick to, though I’ve noticed that the food list I was given at the hospital last week varies a bit from other lists I’ve found online. But in general they are similar.

Today I am on the day-before liquid diet, which is obviously more extreme (and way more boring). But that’s nothing compared to when I have to start taking the SOLUCIÓN EVACUANTE this evening. All I remember from last time was that I was gagging after the first glass of this stuff, and I’ll have to drink 10 of them – one every 15 minutes – until finished, and then 6 more the next morning. Wish me luck!

good news, bad news…

25 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, hope, hospitals

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officially radioactive!

I’ve been having routine PET scans since I was first diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer (metastasis to liver) back in May 2008. At first they were every six months, but then once I became a member of the 5 Year Club they were reduced to once a year.  And every time I’ve been scared witless, fearing I’d hear the worst after my scan. I am very fortunate that my friend Isabel is the head of Nuclear Medicine at my hospital, so she always has a look at my scan while I’m there and gives me the results on the spot. She’ll call me into the PET area and say “all normal, nothing to worry about” and then send me on my way, not quite believing my good fortune.

But today after my scan Isabel called me into a private office and asked me to sit down.

And well, it’s kind of good news / bad news. The good news is that my liver is clean, no signs of anything nasty going on there. The bad (or potentially bad) news is that the “area of inflammation” that has been showing up on my PET scans since 2008 has increased dramatically. Over the years this area has been constantly shrinking, with each PET scan showing it a bit smaller and, as long as it kept shrinking, it was always considered a result of scar tissue. Today Isabel told me that it is back to the size it originally was back in 2008. And so now I will have to undergo more tests – CAT scan, ultrasound, colonoscopy – to (hopefully!) rule out cancer. In theory it could be an inflammatory infection, complications due to the adhesions, or any other number of non-cancer-related issues. Or it could be cancer. And so, Isabel has taken steps to get me an appointment with Oncology asap so they can start the extra testing.

I’m annoyed that they didn’t take me seriously at Emergency when I went there complaining about the abdominal pain back in November (exactly two months ago today). My GP also blew me off when I went to ask him about it afterwards, saying I just had gas and should take a pain killer. And even when I saw an oncologist at the beginning of January, she was totally dismissive about my complaints (you need to lose weight, I’m sure it’s just gas), and reluctantly booked my next PET scan.

The good thing is that now Isabel is setting the wheels in motion for me to get the appropriate extra testing done and, more importantly, to have me taken seriously by these other doctors. Meanwhile I am fluctuating between absolute terror and total denial. How’s your day going?

i’ve lost a “loki”!

22 Monday Jan 2018

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I’ve lost a Loki! Well, so to speak. Since this time last year I am 8 kilos lighter, and 6 of those I have lost since October. So I’m feeling good about that, other than the fact that the more recent weight lost is mostly due to my chronic abdominal pain thang. But it’s kind of amazing to think when I pick up Loki – who is a LOT of cat as you can see – that I am no longer carrying that around with me. And it’s also inspired me to actually TRY to lose more weight now, as I still have a long way to go. Anyhow, off to a good start. New year, new me, blah blah blah…

hope 2019

03 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, hope, life stuff

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Continuing the “tradition of hope” that began back in 2009 with my first ever Photohunt entry on January 3rd. The theme that week was “hope” and I put up a photo of my battered old daybook turned to January 3rd 2010 with the words “STILL HERE!” written on it. Having just finished a second stint of chemo a few months previously this felt like a very bold – and hopeful – thing to do.

Anyhow, since then I have posted a similar photo on this date each year. So, as always, here’s hoping that I will still be here January 3rd 2019, and will see this page in my book… and smile just like I did this morning.