Three weeks ago I wrote this post about going back to work.
Unfortunately, it hasn’t worked out as I thought it would. The idea had been to do “whenever” classes with a handful of my students for whom learning English is more of a hobby than a necessity. As in, we would have classes whenever I was well enough to work. And the first week we tried this it looked like I had enough people interested to be doing at least one class a day. At least enough to bring in a bit of spending money as well as help me maintain my sanity. But then . . .
It turned out that Bosco has had to take an evening course at work the past couple of weeks, Pilar from The Team has also been away and, this being spontaneous and sporadic, the “whenever” part of it naturally goes both ways. For example, both Dr A and Paloma have had to cancel classes when something else came up and, since they are on a casual ‘pay as you go’ basis, there is less concern about making up lost classes. So I’ve only ended up giving one or two classes the past two weeks.
Also, it’s become clear that most of my “whenever” students would actually do better having more regular classes. Dr A had even suggested that when I’m unable to teach he could take classes with Nog. But Nog also needs regular classes – he can’t work on a spontaneous and sporadic basis – and so the other day we decided it would be the best thing all round if he took over the classes with Dr A, Paloma and Pilar – he’s already taken over classes with Paco and another Pilar. Which now leaves me with Bosco (who still says he only wants classes with me) and my internet class with Lupe.
It’s a bit of a financial blow for me, because 4-5 classes a week when I’m well enough to work would have certainly helped me out. But Nog can also use the extra work, and I think the students are going to benefit more from having regular classes again, though it was very generous of them to offer to do the “whenever” classes. And since I have no idea what’s going to happen, and the truth is that either another operation or new chemo is going to set me back for awhile, this does seem like the best solution for everyone.
I’m just not used to feeling this helpless, you know? And I have been looking around online for ideas that would help me make a living, preferably things I could do from home, on the computer, when I’m able to work. Thanks to the cosmic accounting department I have enough to pay rent & bills for November (and many many thanks for that) but what a way to live! To not feel like I have any control over any of this, when I am such a natural problem-solving ‘take care of things’ kinda gal. It drives me mental having my hands tied like this.
Though one thing did occur to me last week, when the absolutely fabulous Beth placed an order for some azahar clothing that she’d been coveting. It seemed to me like this was kind of a ‘donation with benefits’ for Beth, and less like I was just getting ‘something for nothing’ (that bit is really hard for me, regarding the donations). So then I thought that maybe there are others out there who would like some natural 100% Italian linen ‘easy-wear’ clothing – for themselves or a friend – and as a bonus they would know that they are really helping me out. So that it’s more of a two-way thing.
It isn’t that I don’t appreciate the donations – you know I do appreciate them beyond words and that I’d be totally fucked without them! – but I’d just like to feel like I’m not only on the receiving end of things. That’s really important to me. So maybe the clothing thing is a way of being able to give something back? Just a thought. . .
casa azahar 
I feel like there ought to be something I can say about this that doesn’t sound all religious and stupid. I am one of those people who have a need to be in control. When I am in the situation where I don’t feel like I’m just receiving, receiving receiving, I am no longer in control and I really don’t like it. But sometimes we as humans need to be able to access our compassion and to be able to act on our charitable impulses. It may be rather convoluted, but can you see that your situation gives us the opportunity to express these basic needs in a concrete form? And we get to be compassionate anc helpful to someone who we KNOW deserves our help and compassion. someone who is NOT a stranger.
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Yeah, I know that’s all true, hmh. Also people have said that if the tables were turned I’d be the first to help, etc (Nog reminds me of this all the time). But it’s hard, especially the way things have been going and I can’t see an end to all this. Because it’s scary being dependent on the kindness of others and I’m worried about ‘wearing out my welcome’ (not quite the right expression, but I think you know what I mean) and just becoming a burden to people. Now that the situation has gone from being back to work after Christmas to … maybe never working again and just being sick on chemo until I die.
Hopefully I’ll find out tomorrow that there are other options.
Boy I hate waiting. I’m such an impatient patient. And now there is even an extra hour to wait . . .
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Remember what I said about the privilege you have of allowing people to be generous. People so rarely have a really no-strings opportunity to give to someone else. You are a catalyst here for a very good thing, for you, for them, and for the rest of the world. It really is both that simple and that profound.
AND
Can you get on Second Life? Because on Second Life there is no end to the opportunities to teach for real money. Pay via Paypal, not lindens, in advance. Then, if they don’t show up on the day it’s not your problem. And, quite shockingly, some won’t.
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Whoah! That Second Life place is freaky. Or at least I am finding it a bit mind boggling. Maybe we could email about this?
If I’m a catalyst I really hope it’s to remind people not to waste a moment of their lives. I still sometimes waste time worrying and crying when I should just be enjoying what is, but I am getting much better at carping the diem.
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I’ve just got ’round to reading of your misfortune az. Everywhere I turn I’m hearing about friends and relations with cancer. Last week I met my cousin who told me his wife has leukaemia. She’s had it eight years but every year it gets worse. My friend has inoperable cancer and was getting medication but the funding has been stopped by the NHS.
Make the most of life, death is always just around the corner for all of us.
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Let’s chat about Second Life some time this coming week. My hours are going to be crazy, meaning I work from about 5:30 in the morning and will be home by 1pm. If I get a chance I’ll write you an email about it. I’ve planned to move Operation Global Media Domination into Second Life for a year now, but have yet to get a computer that can handle it. You’re in a perfect position to use it.
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I hear you loud and clear. I like to be productive too, and if I was in your situation I’d be just as uncomfortable as you are about it. So perhaps I am telling you these things to remind myself of them just in case I wind up in a similar situation.
Would it be better if you thought of us as your internet family? after all, when we are suffering from misfortunes most people think their families should help them and don’t feel uncomfortable receiving help from their relatives.
The book I sent you should arrive sometime next week if the post office didn’t lie to me.
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Hi, az 🙂
Sorry to hear the work isn’t working – but the Second Life thing sounds like a good start!
I can’t donate – typical student budget anyway, and I just lost my job myself and can’t look for another right now for health reasons.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t care. If there’s anything else I can do…
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just one thing to add from me:
Friends are never a burden.
Ever.
🙂
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