It’s now 23 days after my last operation (liver resection and removal of one out of two peritoneal lesions) and I’m finally getting my strength back. This one really took it outta me, and getting that nasty infection last week didn’t help. But I am definitely on the mend and of course the amazing biopsy results have helped a lot. Though I remain cautiously optimistic…
The thing is, I’ve still got a very long way to go before I reach the five-year “all clear” mark, in terms of recurrence. And there are still 5-6 months of chemo coming up. But as Dr A pointed out when he called me the other day, I couldn’t have received better biopsy results, so at least I’ll be starting off the next treatment from the best possible place.
I’m assuming that they are going to put me back on the same “clean up chemo” I was on last time. If so, I know I’ll have one awful week, one so-so week, and then one almost normal week before it starts all over again. Last time I “only” did three rounds, and found that the symptoms got worse each time. So if I have to do 8-10 rounds I can expect it to be quite rough, but I’m hoping that knowing how well my body responded last time – that the chemo is actually doing me some good – will help me get through the worst bits.
I’m also hoping to make some of the changes I’ve been mulling over the past few months. It’s definitely been a steep learning curve since last May and I’d like to start putting some of the stuff I’ve learned into practice, now that I am not so distracted by fear and dread. Yoga & meditation are at the top of the list (I want to start back with my yoga classes in January), as well as eating better and otherwise doing positive stuff for my basic health and well-being. I also need to get a new “career” going … must start making lists. But mostly I want to get to know that very strong part of me that so often came through for me when I was alone and at my lowest. The one that looked Death in the face and then took my hand and showed me the real beauty of my life. The part of me that is confident and unafraid, yet also incredibly humble and caring. I really want to work on that relationship and make sure I spend some time with “her” every day.
You see, those first few months after I was diagnosed were such a nightmare for me, the constant fear being the worst of it. But then I realised that this Fear was actually a familiar “companion”, and that I’d been living in fear for as long as I could remember. A fairly common condition for victims of childhood abuse, but hey, I’m almost 52 now – enough is enough already. It’s just that all the cancer stuff brought the Fear so close that it was quite unbearable, not to mention unavoidable. So I was forced to look at it and “get to know it”, as it were. Anyhow, developing these new relationships (both with Fear and my Fearless Self) is the most important thing out of all the stuff I’ve learned recently. My mission (and I do choose to accept it) is to find the balance between those two and finally get off my own personal rollercoaster ride.
Now that would be progress!
casa azahar 
I hate to tell you, but sometimes our bodies do things to bring those old bugaboos out, so you can look at them, and discard or learn to live with them. Sounds like you are on your way.
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You’ll come out stronger for it, that’s for sure.
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“both with Fear and my Fearless Self”
Isn’t it strange that we can be so “fearless” in certain circumstances and so fearful in others. People tell me “You’re so strong! I’d be scared shitless”. They don’t know that while I am willing to face death for my nieces and nephews or to protect someone I don’t even know, I am quaking in terror over “what if’s” that my never happen or may be years away.
I spend half my life waiting for a shoe to drop… terrified of things that may or may not be real. And yet, there are certain things I know I could face without hesitation….
I think the things I fear most are the things that I have no control over or that would happen without my being able to stop them. I could face someone with a gun because I know that I would be able to, on some level, have control over my fate.
I am terrified of losing my mother because I HAVE no control over that. I am terrified of my mother losing her memory because I have no control over that. I am terrified of losing my job because I don’t ever feel that I am GOOD enough to keep it.
There was that old Saturday Night Live skit “Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley”. Stuart’s mantra is “I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!”. It is a silly and trite statement but it really IS something all of us should remember…. and I ALWAYS forget.
All my life I thought I WASN’T good enough… I WASN’T smart enough… and that people DIDN’T like me. It wasn’t until I went through psychotherapy at age 49 that I realized that those things were totally untrue.
This last week has been a week from HELL with pressures with my Mom… her memory…. changes and demands at work… fears and doubts…. “what ifs”. On Monday night, I was pretty sure I was going to kill myself. I scared my Mom and my sister and myself…. All week, I have been trying to pull myself through and it wasn’t until reading az’ comments above that I realized (again) that I have to have faith in myself….
I AM good enough, I AM smart enough, and DOGGONE it, people DO like me….
Doubt others but NEVER doubt yourself….
Now, if I can only remember that for next week….
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Yoga, meditation! They will certainly not hurt you! And they very well may help you heal even faster and better. And what a testament to growth and change, azahar! Facing your childhood fears and traumas , recognizing the face of the Fear of Death as just another aspect of the old Fears was a powerful step towards healing.
I totally believe that you will succeed in coming through to the ohter side of this.
I don’t know if you realize what an inspiration your story is to many of my clients, who have friends or associates or relatives that are facing a cancer diagnosis. I say to them “You don’t have to accept that you have a fatal diagnosis. You never know what is going to happen! Just look what happened to my friend in Spain. It could happen for you or your friend too.”
I’m so glad to hear you are walking the road to recovery and future health. I’m sure you will have a lot to offer the world.
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Oh Anneke! We have to make a deal that the next time you get overwhelmed by fear and doubt that you MUST call me on skype. I’m just about always here and even if I don’t get to the computer on time to answer the call (I’m a bit slow moving these days) I will call you right back. Promise? Meanwhile, think of all the people who couldn’t bear to lose you, including me. People love you as well as like you, honey. And Good & Smart you have in spades. I hate it that you would ever doubt how wonderful you are. *hug*
“sometimes our bodies do things to bring those old bugaboos out”
I’m almost convinced now that the “reason” I got cancer was because I was desperately in need of changing some of my ways, Silverstar. I know that’s just me trying to attach some significant meaning to getting a random disease, but thinking that way helps me to focus on what I’ve learned (and am still learning) from all this.
I’ve been facing childhood fears, etc ever since I first had therapy, hmh (about 20 years ago). But somehow it was a more cerebral understanding rather than this new “full body” one (I don’t know how else to describe it). It’s actually been quite exhausting lately because instead of trying to “overcome” feeling afraid (in other words, ignore it) I’m doing the getting-to-know-you thing with it, which is sometimes a bit overwhelming. But, so far, I’m holding my own. I’d like to reach a more peaceful state before the chemo starts up again, which means making peace with some of those inner dragons. And what better time than Christmas, eh?
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I am a firm believer of the ‘sometimes our bodies do things to bring those old bugaboos out’. I know there are doctors here who say that you catch a certain illness because you ‘are prepared’ for it. I’m convinced it was the reason why I had TB a few years ago. I was extremely unhappy at the time, and it was my body telling me: enough is enough. I’ve not been ill once ever since I recovered from it. I have changed my life, even though they’re small changes, within my possibilities of changing it. I kn ow that by having a positive attitude you’re doing a great deal towards defeating the cancer, az.
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I was wondering when you’d get your epiphany. All cancer patients get it, if they live long enough, but you’re ahead of schedule; usually it doesn’t happen till halfway into chemo and you’ve been fighting powerlessness for so long you have to give up entirely or transcend it. Congratulations.
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Ah, ahead of my time once again … 😉
I’m thinking that having two major ops within two months may possibly feel the same as being half-way through chemo, in the ol’ feeling powerless department, but ask me again in April.
One thing I learned while in therapy was to never believe that I was actually ever “over” things. I used to get so disappointed in myself when, after feeling sure I had “dealt” with a specific issue, it one day came flooding back with a vengeance and knocked me for a loop. These days it’s all about co-existing and understanding … though I can still get thrown for a loop if I’m not paying attention.
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Thanks, az. It is hard to do anything rational when I am in that state.
Being able to sleep would help. I’ve been getting only 4 or 5 hours sleep many nights. Just waking up and tossing and turning, even when I just say to myself “Let it go”.
Meanwhile, Benjamin is very upset with me. About 2 am this morning, I suddenly realized I hadn’t seen him all day… I went to the basement and could hear him meowing SOMEWHERE but the furnace is so damn loud and keeps coming on about every 30 seconds that I couldn’t make out where he was. I didn’t think he could possibly be in the back room which we keep the door shut for.
There was even stuff propped against the door. But in the back room he was.
Mom went down to the basement to find some wrapping paper on FRIDAY AFTERNOON and for some reason went into the back room. Benjamin always tries to get in there and she didn’t notice him. Poor fellow was so perturbed that he ran around the house checking out any possible changes in the 36 hours he had been locked down there without food, water, or a bathroom.
Then he wanted to go out into the freezing rain and cold. I told him “Don’t be silly!” and went to bed. He meowed around for some time before settling down to sleep, himself.
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What the Hell, az! Do you have some sort of magic voice or something?
I got off Skype with you and realized that I feel better… at least for the moment.
I emailed another friend to see if she has any ideas. We’ll see what happens.
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*waves @ mudhooks*
Hey, try keeping track of 14 cats, 8 horses, and 2 dogs!
Not to mention an aged (93) parent
I’d probably be depressed if I could spare the time and energy…
Seriously, this is the season for depression, so keeping busy, well-rested and in touch with those who care about you is more important than usual
to all
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Hmm
This thing does not seem to parse smileys in angle brackets very well.
That last line should be ‘*hugs* to all’
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Thanks… I know that part of this is not being “busy” and being with friends. That would help.
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The idea that the body gets ill when one is ‘ready’ for it is interesting. I was very ill with depression a few years ago, suicidal, hallucinating – the works. Eventually I came out the other end thanks initially to some drugs but increasingly to the changes the illness forced me to make in my life. I changed my diet (which had, to be honest, been appalling), started exercising regularly (having always believed I was no good at sports since I was classed as a brain at school and never questioned it) and dropped some of the people who were not adding anything positive to my life.
As a result I sleep better, feel better and am better. The depression was terrifying awful but I can’t imagine the person I would be now if I had not gone through that.
Now I know that I ‘deserve’ to be taken care of properly and that the only person who is going to do that is me, so I do.
You deserve it too, so the yoga and other healthy changes will be hugely beneficial I’m sure. And when you get your five year all clear, you’ll be so much stronger and healthier than you’ve probably ever been. 🙂
{{hugs}} to mudhooks, too. Hang in there.
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“Do you have some sort of magic voice or something?”
Yep. 😉
Ah, you hootooers and your chevrons, Tal. When will you ever learn…
I also think you’re right about the keeping busy thing. Having too much unproductive time on one’s hands can often lead to questioning one’s self worth. I think most people are happiest when they feel they are accomplishing something, don’t you?
I guess some people just need a gentle nudge in order to make changes, truce, and others like you and me require, um, a bit more. Having said that, not everyone comes out of a serious illness a “better person” than before, so you should be very proud that you turned something so awful into a positive life changing experience.
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Just to let everyone know that I am feeling a lot better today…
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Glad to hear it, Anneke … but why are you still up at 3 in the morning?
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I want to keep reading but my eyes are getting tired – feeling totally wonky. Do me a favor, remind me to come back at the end of the week after, hopefully, the chemo fog lifts. Lots to explore here! 🙂
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Oh no, not chemo brain! The only good thing about chemo brain is that it saves on DVDs because you can rewatch them afterwards as if for the first time. But I’m sure you already know that.
Hope you’re feeling better soon.
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The 2am thing was a baaaad thing. It started because I was sent work to do so late in the day that I had to stay up to complete it and by the time I got to the few things I actually PLANNED to do, that was the time.
I was, needless to say, exhausted… and then not sent work until after 3pm, today, so had to work into this evening to complete THAT.
Why do people not check their emails first thing in the morning and assume “Hey! Maybe other people don’t want to work into the night to catch up because I can’t be bothered reading my emails…”? Or something I imagine they should assume.
I am not supposed to spend more than half a day on a case without letting them know it is going to take a bit longer, so why assume that the thing is going to take me 5 days????
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or 3 am, as I intended to type.
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