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This is tough. Yes, lockdown was lifted here on June 22nd, and non-essential shops, along with bars and restaurants, were allowed to slowly reopen. And so far that seems to be going well. People are mostly following the rules.

But then Spain immediately opened its borders not just to EU Schengen countries but also to the UK, which was basically WAY BEHIND in their Covid response, and even now have yet to call for a the mandatory use of masks.

After lockdown was lifted here nothing much changed for me. I stayed home, waiting to see what was going to happen. Would there be a second wave of infections two weeks later? How safe was it really? For those who don’t know I am in a high risk situation due to being immunocompromised due to previous cancer and chemo treatments, and also because of my age. So not only am I more likely to catch this fucker, I am also more likely to die from it. A sobering thought.

But I have been out for tapas now… maybe 3-4 times? And also for the occasional cold beer when I’ve been out grocery shopping on my own. Have also had a couple of business meetings and a trip to the hospital. Though I mostly keep myself to a schedule whereby I only go OUT THERE about once a week, and maybe meet up with a friend every other outing. Which leads me to…

No, this is not another rant. More a plea for understanding. I know it may seem to some that I am being overly-whatever when it comes to my decision to stay home and not be out where there are a lot of people (though have to say since mandatory mask-wearing was introduced I feel much safer). BUT… and this is a big but… nobody actually knows what will happen during this initial post-lockdown period and we’ve already seen new outbreaks throughout Spain, especially in Catalunya. But this week new outbreaks were also reported in Sevilla and other locations in Andalucía.

Which brings me to what I actually want to talk about. Which is that I wish people would respect my (very difficult) decision to continue self-isolating as much as I can. A couple of times I’ve been out and came home angry at myself for not just leaving when it didn’t feel safe. Or for not speaking up. After which I passed several uneasy days waiting to see if any symptoms showed up. And well, so far so good, but it sure fucks up getting any sleep. I haven’t slept more than 3-4 hours a night in months.

The other day a friend I was hoping to see next week told me that she had recently met up with someone who’d just flown in from Barcelona, so that I could decide if that felt too high-risk for me. And bless her for that, I really appreciated her honesty. But other people aren’t so forthcoming. Not because they wish me harm, but I think just because they have decided to take risks and so don’t see them as risky for anyone else. But you see, that’s not their decision to make. It just isn’t.

The thing is that my choice mostly just affects me. To the extent that I’m really so lonely a lot of the time now and yet can’t even let someone hug me when I see them. I see some of my other friends out there on Instagram having parties at home, going out for dinners, being out on the beach… in groups of friends all close up and personal, lots of hugs going on, no masks (because eating and drinking). And I know I just can’t do that. At least not yet. It also means that I can’t meet up with any of the friends who have been in any of those fun situations, because… I just can’t take that risk.

So what I would like to put out here is to ask you all to at least respect my decision, even if you don’t totally agree with or understand it. Please be like my friend who told me about meeting her Barcelona pal, so that I can make my own decision. Not, for example, find out about the Barcelona friend half-way through our meal, when it’s already too late, you know what I’m saying? Or even worse, to not even be told.

So this has been a tough week. Also found out I am not eligible for the extension (July-Sept) on the government assistance for self-employed people, and so that’s me fucked. I now have to sign off Social Security or I’ll be charged 300€ a month when I won’t have any income for … who knows how long? Autumn? Winter? Next year?

I know I’m not the only one, and so many people are going through worse hardships, but this is just me venting a bit on my personal blog. Just letting you know where I’m at.

How are you doing??