Know any good jokes?
I only know one joke and nobody ever laughs when I tell it. 😕
jokes
27 Wednesday Sep 2006
Posted in humour, life stuff
27 Wednesday Sep 2006
Posted in humour, life stuff
Know any good jokes?
I only know one joke and nobody ever laughs when I tell it. 😕
casa azahar 
Ok – here goes.
Johnny and Jimmy were sitting down to breakfast. Mum looks at Johnny and asks him what he wants for breakfast.
Johnny says to mum “Mum, can I have a bowl of fucking Coco Pops?”
Mum turns on Johnny and lays into him. Shouts, screams, spanks, points him on the long walk to the bedroom, the works.
She then looks at Jimmy, and asks him what he wants for breakfast.
“I don’t know mum, but I’m certainly not having any of those fucking Coco Pops”
I’ll get me coat..
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This woman went into a bar and asked for a double innuendo. So the barman gave her one.
A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says,
“I’d like a gin and……………………………………..tonic.”
Barman says,
“Why the big pause?”
Bear says,
“They’re dead handy for catching salmon.”
Q What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
A Philippe Flop.
Q Who led the Pedant’s Revolt?
A Which Tyler.
Rene Descartes goes into a ‘hamburger restaurant’. He says. “I’ll have a Big Mac, please.” Guy says “Do you want fries with that?” Rene says “I think not”……..and disappears.
Buddhist goes into a ‘hamburger restaurant’ and says “Make me one with everything.”
Beatnik goes into a ‘hamburger restaurant’ and says, “Hey, hepcat, hit me with a burger, dig?” Guys says “The burgers are all gone.” Beatnik says, “Crazy! Better make it two, then.”
Surrender yet? Or shall I keep ’em coming?
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Definitely keep ’em coming! 🙂
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I liked the Descartes joke. A lot. Of course, there are numerous people living here who would not get it even if you explained it to them.
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Why do bees hum?
Because they don’t know the words.
The only other jokes I know are either filthy, dirty – or so completely non-pc as to be kept away from decent company.
I do know a shaggy-dog one about an elephant which could do anything……….
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The floods were subsiding, and Noah was releasing all the animals, two by two. He picked up a couple of snakes and laid them on a table and said,
“Go forth and multiply!”
“We can’t,” said the snakes, “We’re adders.”
“That’s OK,” said Noah, “It’s a log table.”
Geddit? Oh, suit yourself.
I’m sleepin’ in me Jag. I’m on tablets for me neeeeerves.
(Bobby Chariot, aka Alexei Sayle)
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A Scottish joke that I used to tell at least once a week when I lived darn sarf. It was totally wasted there:
A man walks into a cake shop and says:
“Is that a macaroon or a meringue?”
The lassie behind the counter says:
“No, you’re right – it’s a macaroon.”
Ah’ll fetch mah jaikit.
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Ok, on the subject of local humour:
Here in Cork they have a couple of jokes against the “better off” on the south-side of the city (Rochestown), plus a few against the less well off in Knocknaheeny:
Definition of a creche: a car accident in Rochestown.
Man from Rochestown falls into the river. His mother is beside him. She shouts out “Help! My son, the doctor, is drowning”.
Man leaves his Mercedes in Knocknaheeny. There’s a youngster lounging close by.
“Mind yer car, mister?” says the young lad.
“No thanks”, says the man. “Do you see inside? There’s my dog. He’ll look after it for me”.
True enough, there is the nastiest, meanest looking doberman, sitting up in the back-seat, growling and slobbering.
The younster looks back at the man. “Mister? Does your dog put out fires?”
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Okay, here is my only joke.
Man walks into a petshop …
Man: I’d like to buy a wasp, please.
Shopkeeper: I’m very sorry sir, but we don’t sell wasps here.
Man: But you’ve got one in your window!
*grabs coat*
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Then there’s the social worker who’s walking dowm the road when she comes across a guy lying on the pavement, battered and bleeding. “My god!” she exclaims, “The person who did this to you really needs some help!”
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman waving at him and saying hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”
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ROFL!
A couple of old women are standing near the street corner of a small Irish town, close to the home of the local town prostitute.
A few minutes later, along comes the local Rabbi. He reaches the house, looks left and right, knocks on the door and disappears inside. The old women go apoplectic. “What a disgrace”, says one. “Ah, sure they’re all like that”, says another. “Disgusting” yells a third.
About a half-hour later, along strolls the Protestant Rector. He pauses in front of the front door, glances around, knocks on the door and in he goes. “Ah, for God’s sake” one of the old women shout out. “No morals, that’s it – no morals”, says another. “Libertine!” screeches the third.
Soon afterwards, the local Catholic Priest appears. He looks carefully around, and then knocks quietly on the door. The door opens and he sneaks in. The old women look at each other and shrug. “Ah, the poor woman must be sick”.
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Love PC’s blonde joke! I like these reversals of the stereotypes.
Q: What is black and blue and floats in the Irish Sea?
A: An Englishman who just told an Irish joke.
Paddy goes for a job on a building site. The foreman says:
“You can have a job if you pass this simple test: What’s the difference between a joist and a girder?”
Paddy says:
“Sure, Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust.”
An Irishman, a West Indian and a Pakistani walk into a pub together…isn’t that a marvellous example of a multicultural community?
( (c) Bernard Righton.)
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A ratehr voluptuous woman goes on vacation, and spends almost all of her time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wears a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decides that since no one can see her anyway, she’d prefer not to have tan lines.
She hasn’t been lying there long when she hears someone running up the stairs. She’s lying on her stomach, so she pulls a towel over her back and bottom.
The hotel manager runs over, out of breath from running up the stairs, and pants “the management doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”
“What difference does it make?” Joan asks. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”
“Not exactly,” says the embarrassed manager. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”
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Man walks into doctors with a steering wheel sticking out of his trouser zip.
“Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel sticking out of your trouser zip”, says the doctor.
“Yeah, I know,” says the guy. “It’s driving me nuts.”
….
Why are pirates all from Cornwall?
Because they ARRRRRRR.
….
Little balloon wakes up in the night and goes into mummy and daddy’s bedroom to creep into bed with them. There’s no room, so he carefully deflates his mum a bit. Still not enough room, so he carefully deflates his dad a bit. Finally he deflates himself a bit, creeps into their bed and goes to sleep.
In the morning, his dad is very angry with him.
“I’m disappointed, son.” says daddy balloon. “You’ve let me down, you’ve let your mum down, and worst of all, you’ve let yourself down.”
…
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Told to me by the eight year old daughter of a friend:
A man goes to the doctors wearing trousers made out of clingfilm. The doctor says:
“I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
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Two vomits are walking down the road. Suddenly, one of them bursts out crying.
“What’s wrong?”, says the other.
“Oh, this is where I was brought up”
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I’m beginning to think that my wasp joke isn’t so bad after all . . . 😉
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A lady walks into a bar in San Antonio and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He has the biggest boots she’s ever seen. The lady asks the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grins and said, “It sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come with me to the bunkhouse, and I’ll prove it to you?”
The lady wants to find out for herself, so she goes back to his bunk and spends the night with him. The next morning she hands him a $100 bill.
Blushing, the cowboy says, “Well, thank you, ma’am. I’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me for doing that before.”
The woman replies, “Don’t be flattered… take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
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Two pretzels are walking down the street.
One was assaulted.
Okay, that’s not my best, certainly…
Q How do you keep a violin from being stolen?
A Put it in a viola case.
Q Why do they only have 15-minute intermissions at concerts?
A So they don’t have to retrain the violists.
Q Why do violists stand for so long outside houses?
A They can’t find the key and they don’t know when to come in.
Q If you see a violist and a conductor standing in the middle of the road, which do you run over first?
A The conductor. Business before pleasure.
A man walks into a bank with a violin case. The teller says “Help! A gun!”
A man walks into a bank with a viola case. The teller says “Help! A viola!”
Q How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A Oh, that’s all right, dear, don’t mind me, I’ll just sit in the dark…
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Lightbulb jokes is it?
Freudians:
Two. One to screw in the bulb, the other to hold the penis…No! Mother….No! LADDER!!!
Non-directive counsellors:
How many do you think?
Trotskyites:
The lightbulb can’t be changed…it has to be smashed!
Radical feminists:
One, actually – and it’s not funny!
Pre-menstrual women:
Two. Why? BECAUSE IT JUST DOES – ALRIGHT?!!
Dadaists:
Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to place the brightly coloured objects in the bath.
Zen Buddhists.
One. One to change it, the same person not to.
(But all change has to come from within).
Late 80’s alternative comedians:
Three – One to shout at it, one to swear at it and onetoblamethewholeproblemonMaggieinthefirstplacemyname’sBenEltonthankyouGOODNIGHT!
Folksingers:
One to change it, the other to sing about how much better the old one was.
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But the light bulb has to really want to change.
—–
What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?
Angus McCoatup.
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And the Scots gardener who found a trumpet buried in his vegetable patch. He rooted it oot.
My favourite joke from the great Scots comedian, Chic Murray, who some may know as the headmaster in Gregory’s Girl. It works best if you’re familiar with his droll delivery, but here goes:
There was this chap who was a travelling salesman. He sold ironing boards. He was in the ironing boards game. Anyway, one time he was at a trade exhibition down in London. He’d come across these new, collapsible ironing boards – very clever – they folded up into a wee bag – and he’d taken a sample to see if they’d sell. Now, he was travelling back up by train, but when he got to Euston he discovered that there’s been a dreadful mix up with the arrangements for the sleeping cars. It was chaos. In his compartment, there was one lassie who’d been put in with five men. Anyway, he got the top bunk, and he made sure he kept his new collapsible ironing board with him in its wee case so that it wouldn’t go missing. The lassie was across the way and they got chatting – and they started to establish quite a rapport – they were getting along famously. So he says to her:
“Why don’t you come over to my bunk and we could have a wee cuddle?”
“Och, away!” she says, “How would I get all the way over there?”
“Well,” says he, “I’ve got something here in my bed that I could stretch out and you could sort of roll across.”
And a voice calls out from a lower bunk:
“Aye! But how’s she goantae get back?”
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What does a gentleman from Calcutta call his butler?
Mahatma Macoat
What does a gentleman from Calcutta call his auto mechanic?
Pindundar Geep
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”
“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”
“I got every word,”says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.”
“Oh yeah?” the guy asks, “Then answer this – how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and speak English can’t you?”
“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,sports,physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”
“Think about it,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is,nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20′ just make the guy an offer!”
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, “Psssssssssssst,” and motions him over
with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.
“When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.”
“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?”
“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.
“NO!” he exclaims. “And she let him?”
“Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…..”
The frantic guy demands, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”
“Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!
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‘s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?” The neighbour says “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.” “Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?” The man shakes his head “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
• New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
• Canadians plant gardens.
40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)
• Californians shiver uncontrollably.
• Canadians Sunbathe.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
• Italian Cars won’t start
• Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
• Distilled water freezes
• Canadian water get thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
• New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
• Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)
• Hollywood disintegrates.
• Canadians rent some videos.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
• Mt. St. Helens freezes.
• Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
• Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
• Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
• Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
• Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
• Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
• Canadians start saying “cold, eh?”
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
• Hell freezes over.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
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I heard the same one about the Finns after Lordi won this years Eurovision Song Contest
+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we’ll start here.
People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun,getting a tan.
+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won’t start
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets..
0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Vantaa river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.
-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.
-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using long sleeves.
-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.
-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.
-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.
-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.
-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can’t store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.
-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don’t survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers’ hands are cold.
-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying “Perkele, it’s cold outside today.”
-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
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You have to see this;
‘Careful with your words, Preacher!’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTbazxBF1e8&mode=related&search=
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Here’s one that requires some audience particiption. However…you don’t have to prepare your audience in advance. If you get it right, it should just happen.
So anyway…this goes back to the old days of the Thatcher/Reagan era. Maggie is on a state visit to Washington DC, and she’s getting a tour of the Whitehouse. They take her through the Lincoln balroom, the library, the rose garden, etc. etc – the full works. They’re headed back to the Oval Office and they go down a long corridor. Halfway down there’s a door.
And what’s through there? asks Maggie.
But everyone just harrumphs and the Security Service move her along swiftly.
Anyway, she’s sat down for talks with the president, but after a while, Ronnie starts to nod off, as he was prone to do. So Maggie siezes her chance. She’s out of the office and off down the corridor in a flash. She trys the door. Damn! It’s locked. So she bends down and peers through the keyhole. She can see a massive, round waterbed with satin Stars and Stripes cover. On the bed, stark bollock naked, legs akimbo, is Nancy Reagan. And kneeling between her legs is…
(and here you have to do some acting)
Damn! I’ve forgotten his name. Whatchamacall’in…Former Secretary of State…Henry something. Henry…?
(audience member – you can normally rely on at least one)
Kissinger?
(scroll down)
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No…Fucking her!
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And for another interactive joke – rather a good one, but rather rude – involving an envelope (self-sealing or conventional)email my name (no spaces) [at] gmail dot com and I’ll send a script with full instructions.
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Ah g’wan, no profanity filters (or even good taste filters) going on here, Edward. Go for it. Can it possibly be worse than your last one? 😉
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It requires an origami diagram. I shall e-mail it from my work tomorrow and send it on in the evening.
Anyone else for a copy?
(it’s my party piece. works every time)
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Oh, go on then!
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There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it over a roaring fire from a tall tree with a hangman’s knot. He busied himself preparing a meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms decided to send their squires out to fight (since this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
🙂
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Aaaaarrrgh! Though of course you know I’m laughing on the inside. 🙂
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Edward, got the email with the Letter Joke.
For others who want to try it out, make sure you use an envelope slightly longer in length than in width. Nog and I used a totally square envelope left over from some old Christmas cards and it took us awhile to ‘get it’.
And we used scissors.
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An American and a Scot are in the local, each of them enjoying a drink. After awhile the Scot aproaches the American and says (add accent here):
“You see that fence oot there? I built tha’ fence with my own two hands, but do they call me Angus the Fence Builder, nooo.”
“Oh, really.” Mumbled the American.
“You know this bar we are sitting at? I built this bar with my own two hands but they don’t call me Angus the Bar Builder.”
“I see.” Murmured the American.
“What hotel are you staying in?” Asked the Scot.
“Oh, the Loch Ness Inn.” Answered the American
.
“I built that hotel with my own two hands but they don’t call me Angus the Hotel Builder!…..But you shag one sheep!”
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Az, when you stop laughing on the inside would you send the letter thingie along to me?
Thanks.
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On it’s way, zoomer!
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I’ll make the reference as the vicar visiting a friend, should be tame enough for all. 🙂
btw…
Julius Ceasar walks into a bar and orders a martinus. Bartender says, *You mean a martini?* Julius says, *If I wanted two I would order them*.
😛
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Repectus maximus, cd!
Woodpigeon…I’ll forward it on tonite.
btw…PC…did you open the envelope right out? Don’t be afraid to pull.
And az…I know it’s not really offensive, but the warning is part of my carefully rehearsed schtick.
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