Category Archives: life stuff

one day at a time

29 Monday Mar 2021

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one day

One of those days of going through the motions, trying to care, trying to not panic, feeling like a failure at everything. There’s a heaviness about everything I try to do, or even think about doing, so then I just can’t. Do anything.

The last time I honestly opened up and told a friend how I was feeling on a bad day like this – last summer – their reply was that I should seek professional help. Clearly “bad day Shawn” isn’t someone anyone wants to know about, or even know, as this person no longer speaks to me.

So then I push myself to go for a walk because fresh air helps. Moving helps.

And then I run into an acquaintance who asks how I am. And I give the same reply I now give to everyone. The one they want to hear. The one that doesn’t make them feel uncomfortable or obliged to say or do anything. And I walk away feeling like I dodged a bullet – phew, fooled them! – and then feel more alone than ever. But at least they’ll talk to me next time I see them.

Anyhow, I don’t expect a reply to this, because that wasn’t the point of writing it, let alone publishing it. It’s part of what I do here on this blog, just sometimes writing things down so I will remember how I felt or what I did at a given point in time. It’s also for those of you who I’ve never met but for some reason you read this blog and occasionally you tell me that I’ve said things that reflect how you are feeling, or what you’re going through, and that that was enough. To know you’re not alone. Well guess what? That works both ways. Because I know you’ll understand this. xx

glow

12 Friday Mar 2021

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glow

When I moved into my lovely Casa Azahar there were no light fixtures other that a really ugly fluorescent one in the kitchen (which sadly is still there) and the pot lights in the bathroom (which have since been replaced). In the end it took me a couple of months to replace dangling light bulbs with fixtures I both liked and could afford, and then my landlord sent his handyman Tony Black Hands over to install them. Then this week one of the bulbs in my matching two hallway wall lamps blew. So okay, I went to my local electrical shop La Casa de las Bombillas and got two new bulbs because I wanted to change the halogen ones the lamps came with (that get hot as fuck) to LED ones.

So fine. Mission accomplished. But when I went to bed that night and turned off the lights using the wall switch, well, this was as “off” as the new LED light bulbs got (see photo). Perhaps not quite as bright as it may seem in this photo, more like the glow of a night light. And well, I kind of didn’t mind this because I actually had to buy night lights when I moved in here because my bedroom is interior so it’s way too dark for me. But I wondered if this constant glow thing was safe.

Next day I went back to Casa de las Bombillas and they said they will order a different brand of LED bulbs for me to try, saying they sometimes work differently. But they also assured me that the glow wasn’t dangerous and used next to no current. So now I don’t know what to do. I’m supposed to pick up the new light bulbs mañana but maybe I like having extra night lights? Undecided. Especially as if I pull the cord under the lamp (and not just use the wall switch) that turns everything off. So, options!

I know what you’re thinking. How do I get through the day with such hefty issues to constantly deal with. Well stay tuned guys. At this point, after the whole Thermometer Thang, and now this, I’m not sure Casa de las Bombillas will ever look pleased to see me darken their doorstep in future. But wait till I tell them tomorrow about my LED bedroom ceiling light flashing randomly at all hours (forgot to mention this to them last visit). My pal Pablo has suggested a medium, but I’m hoping C de las B will have a more pragmatic suggestion.

srsly duh!

10 Wednesday Mar 2021

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duh (1)

Luckily my intelligence is one of the few things I am not insecure about (I mean, I need something to hold on to!), though this doesn’t mean that I am always smart. Case in point. Last week I bought my first ever food thermometer. It’s good for either checking both solid or liquid temps and, since I mostly use olive oil for frying, I wanted a way to make sure I didn’t overheat the oil. And so I found this cute model on sale and decided to go for it. But imagine my disappointment when the damn thing wouldn’t turn on. In fact, no matter which button I pressed NOTHING changed on the screen. So I got in touch with Amazon and they promptly sent a replacement, and someone to come and pick up the defective item. And well wouldn’t you know it? The second one didn’t work either. Dammit. So I spent at least an hour googling possible problems and finally it seemed like the battery probably needed replacing, as this sometimes happens with electrical products that have batteries included, especially if they’ve been “on the shelf” for a long time.

So fine. I popped over to my local electrical shop (La Casa de las Bombillas), showed the very helpful woman at the counter my uncooperative thermometer and asked if they had the same type of battery. When she took it out I asked her if maybe it wasn’t inserted properly, and she said it was fine but, before selling me a new battery she would test this one. And it was good! Fully charged, no problem. So then, I asked, why the screen didn’t change when I press the buttons??

Well, she said… maybe you should remove the factory screen protector? 🤦🏻‍♀️😅

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overwhelmed by laundry

13 Wednesday Jan 2021

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laundry

It’s not always easy, coordinating loads of laundry when you live alone. I usually have 2-3 loads a week. Two of sheets and towels, pyjamas and light coloured clothing, then one of darks. The darks don’t happen every week because those are mostly my outdoor clothes and I only go out maybe twice a week. But today I got overwhelmed by laundry.

It turned out I had to do an extra load thanks to Loki making a mess on my duvet cover (and I only have one of those, so it had to get washed and dried in the sun same day) and suddenly I had to time all this washing and drying, and sheet changing, which now included wrangling with the duvet cover, with… well, nothing at all really. Because I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO. But it still felt like my whole day was consumed by this to the point that I had to ask myself how I ever ran my own business and worked full time. Answer? No fucking idea. Though I am a firm believer in the more you do, the more you do. If you know what I mean.

A couple of weeks ago I was in Casa Román having some tapas and it was only me and Peter inside, plus maybe 2-3 other tables outside. Predictably the usually attentive waiters were not paying any attention at all. And because I know them so well I said something to that effect, complaining about how the service had really gone downhill, blah blah, joking with them. But it’s true, and Inma said the same to me, that when it’s busy they all switch into high gear and everything runs super efficiently. But when there is next to nothing to do, motivation dwindles. I remember that very well from when I worked in restaurants.

But it’s the same in just day to day life. When you have a full schedule you get all that done and then some. It’s because you have so much to do that you are already geared up to do a bit more. The energy is already there. I’m not talking about being so busy there’s no time for anything else, just a healthy amount of work to keep you feeling challenged and interested. And guess what? Somehow the laundry gets done too!

Since last March I’ve had one writing assignment and a short stint as community manager for a small group of restaurants here. Other than that, I just get up in the morning and wonder what the fuck I am going to do that day other than make lunch. Thing is, although I miss the money from those two jobs I had, what I miss more is the sense of purpose I had when I got up, that I had STUFF TO DO. I don’t know why I find it so hard to self-motivate, because I’m sure there are plenty of things I could be working on (other than lunch). Okay, maybe not true that I don’t know why. The thing is that I’m scared. Sometimes scared out of my wits. When someone gives me a job to do I HAVE to snap out of it and get it done. And what a relief that is. Or was.

So I don’t know. I realise many people are suffering much more than me. On the other hand, others are complaining about the contents of their gourmet organic vegetable delivery… my online friends are all over the map.  😉  Which is fair enough because we all have different lives. I know I have to make some very big decisions about mine. And yet I can’t seem to… oh, guess I wasn’t overwhelmed by laundry after all.

hope 2022

03 Sunday Jan 2021

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hope 2022

Wow, it’s been 12 years already! Way back on January 3rd 2009 I posted a photo of my battered old daybook turned to January 3rd 2010 with the words “STILL HERE!” written on it, as a weekly Photo Challenge I was doing at the time – the theme that week was Hope. Having just finished a second stint of chemo a few months previously this felt like a very bold – and hopeful – thing to do.

I have continued the “tradition of hope” since then and have posted a similar photo on this date each year. So, as always, here’s hoping that I will still be here January 3rd 2022, and will see this page in my book… and then post my hopeful wish for 2023.