Sunny in a sunbeam…
It’s been two months since my beautiful Sunny died. I am often haunted by those last awful hours that he lay dying in my arms, but more often I remember how much I love him and how wonderful it was having him in my life. Sometimes I have dreams in which I can see and touch him again, and I wake up with a terrible ache of longing. Just to hold my Sunny bunny one more time. Even now when I have to get up in the middle of the night I find myself being careful not to disturb him in his usual place at the foot of the bed, and then I realise he’s not there anymore.
Sometimes, like now, I cry because I miss him so much. Other times there is a happy/sad feeling, knowing how lucky I was to know him and love him. Because I know that I’m a better person for loving him (present tense – that love is still alive). A couple of days ago I mentioned that I have a very high pain threshhold, but it seems this only pertains to physical pain. I’ve always been crap at dealing with emotional pain, especially having to do with separation and loss, and the pain of losing a loved one really is beyond anything I could have imagined. It still takes my breath away sometimes. But that’s part of the deal.
casa azahar 
yep, me too – good at physical pain, crap at emotional pain. {{{hugs}}}
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The lengths I go to in order to avoid emotional pain has often kept me in situations I would have been much better off getting the hell out of.
Ooooh, hugs! š
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Pingback: Juno’s Choice & Homage « Wandering Coyote
I just put up a post in which I mention sunny…
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I know just exactly how you feel. It has been almost two years since Mike died and I still miss him. Hell, Cio Cio died in 1996, and I still think about her and miss her like crazy. Sometimes I swear I see her flitting around the corner by the bird feeder. She is buried under the bird bath, Mike is out by the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party.
The pain eases after a while, but it never completely goes away, this deep missing of the ones who have passed into the mists of life.
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The pain is certainly less now than before, but writing this brought it all back again. Two whole months without my bear. I think Azar is missing him too. He’s been getting needier and needier … driving me nuts. And then sometimes he just walks around the flat meowing his head off, like he’s calling for Sunny. Breaks my heart.
Meanwhile, I heard my brother died over the weekend. It was a sad end to a sad life, but otherwise it meant nothing to me…
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I feel the same kinds of things about Apricat. What gets me is remembering how he felt in my hands — the little ears which he loved me to scratch, the fluffiness, the weight (he was a big boy). I can’t believe it was nearly 18 years. It feels like I just lifted him up from the apron of the storm sewer yesterday, and I don’t even recognize the person I was back then, but he was constant, like the sun.
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Yeah, that dream when I could feel Sunny … he was always such a big solid guy. I loved that.
Wow, that’s just how I feel. When I think about him, our life together, see the old photos…
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hey sis….it is really hard to lose someone. I’m not a pet person but I’m sure it is the same. I struggle daily knowing that I cant talk or see my loved ones that have passed on. I just try to keep in mind that they are at peace, but still it is difficult.
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Hey chica … long time no see. This is my first experience of losing a loved one to death. And of course as I watched him dying I thought of myself, that this could be me in six months or a year.
It’s one thing to feel saddened by the news of someone’s passing, and quite another to feel yourself turned inside out with grief and longing. I’m sorry you know how that feels.
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We have lost many dear pets over the past thirty years and I still miss every one. The weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth gets more intense each time as if all the losses are compounded. After Max died last year I swore we would never have another pet but I was adopted by little homeless Joyce and now we are trying to capture her feral sister. It’s a setup for more grief but I can’t seem to help myself.
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Whenever I think about getting a kitten for Azar I kid myself that it will be *his* cat and I probably won’t get so attached. Ha. A setup for more grief indeed.
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