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Okay, some days are better than others, but I have to say that most of the time these days it feels like I’m on a very slippery slope indeed.

After getting kicked out of my home of 16 years and then landing on my feet in the lovely new place I live in now, I cannot ignore this one very important fact … I CANNOT AFFORD THIS PLACE ON MY OWN.

Most of you probably know that I’ve had a flatmate over the past seven years who I like to think of as my friend, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed and fed up. Would a friend just sit on their butt and not do anything at all after I continually set them up with classes and work and projects that would help him make make a living?? Even when he is no longer paying his share of things, which puts way more stress on me. Even after I got cancer and wasn’t able to work. I mean seriously … wtf? Now I’m supposed to support this person financially when I am scrambling daily to make ends meet, and all the while frantic that the next PET scan might end up with me back on chemo – and then what??

Most people I know here (and some elsewhere) have told me to drop the deadbeat flatmate and get someone in who can pay and that won’t require me to put in daily energy making sure they have enough work. But oh man, I lived like that for eight years at the old place… and I’ve been putting this off thinking “the devil you know” is the better option. But maybe not.

The slippery slope I speak of is my decline in well-being and feeling good about myself. Having had to spend at least some of every single day over the past seven years nagging my flatmate to get out of bed/get some work done/show some initiative …. it drags me down. It sucks my energy. And it makes me hate who I am, because I hate nagging. And sometimes when I am pushed and I get upset, scared and angry … then I hate myself even more. But try explaining that to my flatmate’s blank eyes.

I’m at my wit’s end with this, and I am very sorry to finally make this personal issue public. I thought moving to the new home would make a difference for me, that I would lose some of the “triggers”, that I could move on. But it takes two, doesn’t it? Why should it be up to me to make it work? Or make him work? Because even after setting him up on social media, writing for jobs at schools here, setting up the “coffee classes” and the “Sevilla Walks” he just sits there… as if people are going to magically show up without any effort on his part. And I spent HOURS doing all that set up work for him, even getting friends to come along on a dress rehearsal walking tour. That was a week ago. He has done NOTHING since then to get anyone interested in hiring him, or even asking me how he could go about that. I throw up my hands.

My friend Jessica has been renting the extra room here since April, even though she is barely here at all. I had hoped to use this extra income over five months to pay off the huge credit card debt I acquired because of the move… instead I am paying my flatmate’s share of things and my debts are left unpaid! Dammit, that makes me angrier than anything, because he is also taking advantage of Jessica. And even knowing that he doesn’t get off his butt!

So… what should I do? Ask him to leave? He has a place to go to in Wales where he can live rent free, at least to start off with, so I wouldn’t be tossing him out into the street.

For the record, I have been at the point of asking him to leave more times than I can remember… it’s just that now I feel like I cannot deal with this crap anymore, not even for another minute. I’m all for helping people out, and I think anyone who knows me has seen that side of me. If there’s ever anything I can do, then I do it. But this has been like tossing all my ideas and energy into a total black hole of inertia … and I feel I have to get out before I get sucked down that slippery slope into the black hole myself. Especially if I end up back on chemo, because that may well destroy me.

I’m scared, guys. And I’m scrambling like crazy every day to make a living, to pay for this much more expensive apartment, to build up biz contacts and find new work for myself. That pretty much does me in!  I mean, if you were my flatmate wouldn’t you FUCKING REALISE THAT and decide it was time to grow up and make a life for yourself?  One that included paying your share of the rent and bills, at the very least?

I rest my case…