Okay, some days are better than others, but I have to say that most of the time these days it feels like I’m on a very slippery slope indeed.
After getting kicked out of my home of 16 years and then landing on my feet in the lovely new place I live in now, I cannot ignore this one very important fact … I CANNOT AFFORD THIS PLACE ON MY OWN.
Most of you probably know that I’ve had a flatmate over the past seven years who I like to think of as my friend, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed and fed up. Would a friend just sit on their butt and not do anything at all after I continually set them up with classes and work and projects that would help him make make a living?? Even when he is no longer paying his share of things, which puts way more stress on me. Even after I got cancer and wasn’t able to work. I mean seriously … wtf? Now I’m supposed to support this person financially when I am scrambling daily to make ends meet, and all the while frantic that the next PET scan might end up with me back on chemo – and then what??
Most people I know here (and some elsewhere) have told me to drop the deadbeat flatmate and get someone in who can pay and that won’t require me to put in daily energy making sure they have enough work. But oh man, I lived like that for eight years at the old place… and I’ve been putting this off thinking “the devil you know” is the better option. But maybe not.
The slippery slope I speak of is my decline in well-being and feeling good about myself. Having had to spend at least some of every single day over the past seven years nagging my flatmate to get out of bed/get some work done/show some initiative …. it drags me down. It sucks my energy. And it makes me hate who I am, because I hate nagging. And sometimes when I am pushed and I get upset, scared and angry … then I hate myself even more. But try explaining that to my flatmate’s blank eyes.
I’m at my wit’s end with this, and I am very sorry to finally make this personal issue public. I thought moving to the new home would make a difference for me, that I would lose some of the “triggers”, that I could move on. But it takes two, doesn’t it? Why should it be up to me to make it work? Or make him work? Because even after setting him up on social media, writing for jobs at schools here, setting up the “coffee classes” and the “Sevilla Walks” he just sits there… as if people are going to magically show up without any effort on his part. And I spent HOURS doing all that set up work for him, even getting friends to come along on a dress rehearsal walking tour. That was a week ago. He has done NOTHING since then to get anyone interested in hiring him, or even asking me how he could go about that. I throw up my hands.
My friend Jessica has been renting the extra room here since April, even though she is barely here at all. I had hoped to use this extra income over five months to pay off the huge credit card debt I acquired because of the move… instead I am paying my flatmate’s share of things and my debts are left unpaid! Dammit, that makes me angrier than anything, because he is also taking advantage of Jessica. And even knowing that he doesn’t get off his butt!
So… what should I do? Ask him to leave? He has a place to go to in Wales where he can live rent free, at least to start off with, so I wouldn’t be tossing him out into the street.
For the record, I have been at the point of asking him to leave more times than I can remember… it’s just that now I feel like I cannot deal with this crap anymore, not even for another minute. I’m all for helping people out, and I think anyone who knows me has seen that side of me. If there’s ever anything I can do, then I do it. But this has been like tossing all my ideas and energy into a total black hole of inertia … and I feel I have to get out before I get sucked down that slippery slope into the black hole myself. Especially if I end up back on chemo, because that may well destroy me.
I’m scared, guys. And I’m scrambling like crazy every day to make a living, to pay for this much more expensive apartment, to build up biz contacts and find new work for myself. That pretty much does me in! I mean, if you were my flatmate wouldn’t you FUCKING REALISE THAT and decide it was time to grow up and make a life for yourself? One that included paying your share of the rent and bills, at the very least?
I rest my case…
casa azahar 
I don’t really have any advice, here. It’s very hard to motivate someone else to do stuff. (I have also found myself in the position of trying to do so, so I can really emphathize, though at least I have been lucky enough not to have the financial issues that you are dealing with.) It sounds like you have done a huge amount to try to kick-start job opportunities for him, but you are right that you can’t be the only one to be working at this. You have your own work and life to manage.
I’m sorry that things have gotten so difficult. I wish you both the best.
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Draw up a rental and expense-sharing agreement. One month’s rent and share in advance…or else.
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Five minutes after posting this I got a call from the hospital … my next PET scan is on Monday at 8am.
I’m terrified.
Then my flatmate said he was going out to a class … upon closer scrutiny it turned out the class didn’t exist and he was just going out to “have some time out” while pretending it was paid work.
I took a deep breath and walked away. I suddenly have a much bigger and scarier issue to come to grips with. Guys, I am so afraid that this PET scan is going to turn out bad. I lie awake at night and can hardly breathe just thinking about it. And that was when I thought it was a month away, not less than a week.
My flatmate knows this, yet he can still lie about work and other stuff, thinking I’ll just keep putting up with it… I can’t stand lies. Lies are the worst things ever.
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Like Alejna, I find it hard to offer advice, except to say that you may want to consider a long term ‘downsize’ and make it known that you are actively ‘looking’ for somewhere smaller that will have ZERO space for anyone else. It might just kickstart things a bit.
Or, start putting up notices “Flatmate Required” in places that you know your flatmate frequents.
Or, you wage an all-out assault and make some serious stipulations about rent/utility contributions with a time-scale in place and implications for non- compliance.
How difficult can it be to get a Bar job, for example?
FFS.
D
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I tried that even before we moved to the new place. No stipulations moved him to make even the slightest change in attitude. I did in fact get him a trial shift for a bar job … was told later that he didn’t show any enthusiasm. Was also told that after landing him jobs at various language schools.
I’m so fed up with all this, you know? Hard enough to get myself out of bed most mornings…
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Hmmm – I don’t know that I have more to offer than Alejna really – unfortunately.
I am surprised that the flatmate in question doesn’t read your blog, and therefore have seen some of your previous comments, never mind this crie de coeur.
I don’t want to give any platitudes like “Your PET scan will be fine” because I don’t think I can convince you, even though I think it will.
All I can do right now is think of you.
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He only reads my blog if I say – Hey, did you read my blog today? Otherwise, he doesn’t seem interested.
Perhaps when he is back in Wales he will miss this great apartment and the beauty of Sevilla. But I am sure he won’t miss me at all. I’ve never had the feeling that he actually likes me. He is much more friendly and outgoing with anybody who isn’t me…
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Sounds like “Hey, did you read my blog today?” might resonate.
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He’s read it. He says I never listen to him, that I’m not fair….
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I think it’s a good idea to have a flatmate — just no longer this one, given the history of the situation.
It’s possible to like someone and care about them and still need unequivocally to be free of the stress caused by dead-beat, dependent behavior. I had to face conduct so eerily similar from my ex and now late husband that it honestly spooks me to read about some of the experiences you’ve had trying to get your flatmate to hold up his end. Whatever he thinks you’re not “listening” to, the bottom line is that grown-up people are supposed to function as grown-ups — not like bright, moody middle schoolers who are good-hearted and a lot of help but need to be “covered” financially and have to be cajoled to do their share.
There’ve been plenty of chances for a turnaround, and there hasn’t been one. I vote for just letting it be known that a flatmate will be wanted when Jessica’s stay is up — all over every reasonable avenue of communication. I know that’s a place you won’t want to go till after the scan, but you are entitled and almost obligated (to yourself) to say that you won’t function for two any longer and are done being the Mom.
So saith the cranky old Sled.
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I think you know my opinion. As much as I like the flatmate, I think you are well within your rights to ask said flatmate to leave (it matters not to where that is up to him) and advertise for a real flatmate. Flatmates are as flatmates do. If it don’t, it is neither a flatmate or a mate.
Even a partial share would be more financially helpful than someone who takes up space and does nothing AND costs you money.
This has been going on for a very long time and you have been agonizing over this for years now.
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Oh my god, Az, kick him out. Immediately. He’s no friend AT ALL, no matter what he says, if his behaviour is causing his supposed friend – who has also been fighting cancer – this much stress and financial worry.
You’ve given him more than enough chances to pull his weight, you need a flatmate you will contribute equally and not add to your burden.
So, 100% advice from me is to give him a month’s notice. It will no doubt be awkward, but its the right thing to do and just think how much better you’ll feel when you don’t have that extra stress dragging you down…
Good luck!
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Thanks for all your comments. The main reason for writing about this here was to make it real. I’ve been to this point so many times before and then always backed down…
This is what I have decided this morning (with your help).
At the moment my flatmate has a few English classes lined up for July, which would barely cover his grocery money. However, if he gets enough work to live on and pay his way (for example, those walking tours could be great summer employment), and if things feel better in general around the place, then I will reconsider the situation in September.
But if by mid-July I find myself footing all the bills, then I will ask him to leave and will spend the rest of the summer here sharing with Jessica before looking for another flatmate for September. As he has a place to go to where he doesn’t have to pay rent I won’t feel bad about leaving him stranded. But I know I will feel very bad about having to make that decision. And I know I’ll miss him. So, one last chance…
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Pingback: scanxiety! « casa az
That is so reasonable. Did you read about John Locke? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2006629/Thriller-writer-John-Locke-indie-author-sell-million-Kindle-eBooks.html?ito=feeds-newsxml A business idea… you can also monetize your blog on Kindle.
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I have often thought about doing an iPhone app for the tapas blog but don’t know how to do it properly without spending a whack of money. Perhaps a kindle tapas guide?
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Kindle newspapers and magazines will be available on Kindle reading apps for iPad, iPhone and iPod Touch in the coming weeks.
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Sounds very interesting… keep me posted?
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Much as I like your flatmate – there comes a time when enough is enough. Your plan seems eminently sensible – and fair.
Will be thinking of you on scan day.
Much love
xx
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If you were to read this exact post on someone else’s blog, what would you tell that person? Would you tell them, “OMG KICK the other person out?”
It sounds like a very frustrating situation and while I don’t know the entire situation it seems like you have the answer you need regarding what your next step must be.
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Yes, I would probably tell them to kick the deadbeat out, but it’s so much easier when you don’t have to do the dirty work yourself.
So now it feels like limbo until *something changes*.
Thanks for visiting, btw. Do I know you?
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Reading that, it sounds like you know what you have to do. My husband and I have been harbouring some friends on the weekends for 9 months now…they need to come back here weekly for some commitments, including his share of time with his kids…and, after 9 months, we’re feeling nothing but used. In our case, we bailed them out, and I feel they’ve taken advantage of us.
I was talking to an acquaintance about this situation, and she just shook her head and said, “All I can see is Judge Judy jumping up and down in her chair, berating some guy, saying ‘Everybody pays rent. Everybody.'”
Everybody must pull their weight in this world…cash or in-kind. We’re getting neither from our situation…and neither are you. The difference is, we have an end date, and we’re sticking to it. They haven’t earned a reprieve.
Get an end date.
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Ufff, I remember you telling me about those deadbeats, but I had no idea it was still going on. Glad to hear you have an end date. Mine is the end of July unless rent, monthly bills & grocery money show up. Also be nice not to pay his credit card bill…
I did suggest that the very least he could do was take care of household chores which would free me up to work on my own stuff… which only gets done begrudgingly after much nagging. Unbelievable… how do people like your deadbeats and my flatmate justify this crap?
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hmmm, they usually justify it because they are used to it, and therefore it seems reasonable to them.
And why are they used to it? Because nice people like you and loricat enable their appalling behaviour by putting up with it.
I am seriously outraged on your behalf and I hope that you do what is right for you – and for him, too, given that he needs to grow up eventually and he’s obviously not going to do it until he absolutely cannot avoid it – and kick him out in July. You really don’t need this stress.
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I’m not really THAT nice… 😉
And it’s not as if my flatmate doesn’t have his good points. I’m just tired of the apathy and feel I could benefit from having someone with their own life (and income!) to share the apartment with.
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Props for the Judge Judy reference. The one that flitted through my mind was something vaguely remembered about two women talking about the new guy one of them had been dating. Among his various attractions, Woman A said “He has a job.” Woman B replies, “Honey, a job isn’t optional.” Something like that.
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I don’t know who this Judge Judy person is… but I agree. A job isn’t optional.
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Judge Judy was a show where real (?) small court cases were televised with this fabulously pragmatic, blunt Judge Judy ‘laying down the law’. Ooo, found a ‘Judge Judy at her best’ video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bH57MnJIjkc
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Hmm… that should be *is a show” — I guess it’s still on. Shows you how little I watch TV.
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Had a talk with my flatmate this morning and I think the plan that sits best with both of us is that he stays living here in the apartment for July (he’s got just about enough work now to cover his share) and then look for a cheaper room elsewhere in Sevilla. That would cut his expenses almost in half, which I’m sure he could manage. And I’d get someone new here starting in September.
The good side to this plan for him is that he wouldn’t be leaving Sevilla and going back to the dreary old house and life in Wales, so it would feel less like “being kicked out”.
The good side for me is that I could relax about the rent and focus on my own stuff, and I wouldn’t feel like I was being mean and kicking him out of my life for good.
The good side for both of us is that we can still hang out sometimes and find out if we really are friends or not. I think those waters have got very muddy over the past few years.
What a week it’s been! But I like this plan. I can breathe with it…
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“The good side for both of us is that we can still hang out sometimes and find out if we really are friends or not” You know, that’s probably the best by-product of all this…you have never had the opportunity to grieve the relationship. He went from partner to roommate with no in-between, and both of you need distance. You might end up with a worse roommate, but you’d have no problems showing a stranger-turned-roommate the door.
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So glad you’ve both agreed this is a possible way forward and I really hope it works out for you both.
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