Yesterday marked the official final day of lockdown in Spain. I started counting Day 1 as March 14th, so that makes it 100 days, but I see some other “official” numbers vary by a day or two. Doesn’t matter. For me it’s been 100 days of lockdown, which have been mostly spent alone, until a few days ago when I dared to meet a friend for lunch. Other than that, there’s been no human contact other than at the supermarket. My last hug was on March 11th. The only times anyone has even touched me since then was when I went to have blood taken, and the other day when the oncologist poked and prodded my belly. This has been hard for a girl who loves her hugs!
What else has been hard in terms of lockdown itself? To be honest? Not that much really. Sure I’ve been a bit bored at times (not often), worried, lonely, anxious, but I’ve also been surprisingly patient and even content, making sure my days include things I enjoy (cooking, chatting online with friends, cuddling cats, writing this silly blog) and I’ve even set up a workout routine for those days I don’t get out for a walk. But as I’ve said here before, I’ve already had training for this when I spent a year and a half basically “locked down” by cancer, chemo and several major abdominal ops. And then I read this very good article by Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett which reminded me that I’d also had even more previous training with my agoraphobia, which used to made it impossible to leave my home.
Of course financial worries have created a lot of anxiety, and concerns about my future, since my entire business ceased to exist as of March 5th. So it is very important to give a shout out to the friends who have been helping me out with donations. Without them I wouldn’t be okay AT ALL. In fact, I probably would have lost my home so I am very grateful. Thank you so much. And yes, there are still months looming ahead without income and I still have no clear idea what is going to happen next or if I will ever be able to give food tours like before. I’ve been receiving a monthly payment from the government, which barely covers my rent, but hey, better than nothing. This may or may not end this month, nobody seems to know. But I’ve heard they will decide on this by Friday.
And now for the good stuff. Because it really hasn’t been bad. There’s been some very intense and continuous at home time with the cats (they are loving it) and I’m also calming down about much of the scary shit that usually fills my mind. It’s been a bit like being on a therapy retreat in my own living room. I had thought I’d get back into reading, and would be netflixing all the time. But it turns out my schedule, such as it is, is even simpler than that. And I don’t mind, which surprises me because I am usually very impatient and want to be out doing things. I mean, I wouldn’t want this to last indefinitely but I can certainly put up with it. It’s a small price to pay for being safe and also keeping other people safe.
Probably the most positive thing I am going to take away from all this is that I … actually like myself again. Or maybe even for the first time? I know I’m still a bit of an emotional mess sometimes, but I’m also realising that I’m not actually bad company when I feel free to be myself and am not just “reacting” to stuff all the time. In fact I’ve been having quite a good time with ME – turns out I can be quite fun to be around! So I’ve gained a lot of personal strength and confidence these past three months. Here’s hoping it lasts.
Meanwhile, I’d be feeling MUCH happier about this release from lockdown if it didn’t coincide with the very same day our fucking government sold us out by reopening the borders to tourists from other EU countries and the UK (aka Plague Island). But more on that later.
Where are you in the whole Lockdown experience? How’s it going?