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So all this has been bubbling up inside for days, a sense of desperation and defeat, that feeling of “why the fuck even bother anymore??”… and today it has me reduced to tears. I just keep crying. Maybe not a bad thing as I’ve been holding them in for so long. So I’m just letting the tears flow while I go about my day. Which is basically all about doing pretty much nothing other than get through the day, and then go to bed for maybe 3-4 hours of sleep. And then start all over again. Groundhog Day style.
Where is the hope? Even when I thought I was going to die from stage 4 cancer (because they told me so) I never felt quite this hopeless. Possibly due to my exceptional “living in denial” skillz (most child abuse victims have them – it’s that secret place we go to when what’s happening around us is too unbearable to keep experiencing). But even now that is failing me. It’s not working its usual magic. And I am left feeling… terrified and alone, which is bad enough, but even worse is seeing no way out. How is this ever going to get better? I can honestly say I have never felt like this before in my entire life, during an entire life filled with uncertaintly and fear.
I always used to be able to cope (often badly, but whatever works, right?). And I have usually, I think, given the impression that I am a strong and capable woman. I’m even someone that many people have “feared” because of my own seemingly fearless way of living, with sometimes brutal honesty and a serious no-bullshit approach to, well, bullshit. To be honest, that whole persona has softened in the past few years, because it just took so much effort to keep her going, but many prefer to keep me buttonholed into the “scary Shawn” persona that they mostly created. Makes it easier for them to write me off. Whatever.
I no longer give many fucks about most things anymore EXCEPT how we are going to get through this. So when I look around and see so many people truly not giving even one fuck about all that is happening with Covid, I just get overwhelmed. Shit like, what you CAN’T wear a fucking mask? You HAD to go to that party? You HAVE to travel abroad on fucking holiday?? All of this going on without any proper testing, track & trace programme by our – or anybody’s – government.
But I suppose what I find most disheartening is how people think we are just going to go back to our old lives, without even the teensiest iota of understanding that it was specifically OUR OLD LIVES that led to this pandemic and the disastrous global response that has followed.
Much has been said about the “New Normal” but what most don’t want to accept or even acknowledge is that the New Normal won’t just be the Old Normal with masks on. The New Normal is going to rock everyone’s lives to the core. And we are not going to get anywhere unless we learn compassion and especially empathy. Because that person over there? Not really much different from you, just had other things happen to them during their life. At the risk of sounding totally flaky, we do actually have to learn to open our hearts to others, because they are also us. But I don’t see that happening anywhere. Not yet. Or not nearly enough. It’s still “every man for himself”. And it’s making me cry. For all of us.
Thanks to my friend Julie who sent me this video while I was in the middle of writing this – couldn’t have been more appropriate.
I have a lot of thoughts, but struggle to find words sometimes. Thank you for sharing this. I share much of your worry and anger. Sending you love. (And probably also sending you a message shortly.)
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Thanks for getting in touch. xx
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Hi, Shawn! Steve and Jeannie from Orlando. We read your posts and remember your friendship when we were locked down in the apartment on San Eloy. Your post today is “spot on”‘ for the denial we see here in the USA. And we too wonder, “How long before people take this crisis seriously enough to begin seeing some lasting changes?”. Yes, a New Normal along the lines you describe. Stay well!
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Hola! Everytime I read something about the whole shit show in Florida I think of you guys and hope you are okay. Stay safe amigos. xx
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Powerful video. I think a lot about the early years of this century for whatever reson and have all my life — maybe it’s true what my homie Donna Barr said about y being one of the German soldiers who died in WWII and came back determined that the world should find a different way, who knows? I just remember wondering while I was still very young why people didn’t take care of each other more, and thinking obsessively about the first half of the century I was born in.
And the video narrative is so true. Not everyone has food delivery, or Netflix, or much comfort, but so many people do and why are they bitching? I’m doing what seems the onlyl sensible thing, which is making a fortress of my house, washing the groceries, being in another human presence (outside of the engineer) only when it is critically important, like having a space alien removed. Doing mileage in brutal heat in a perfectly breathable if sweaty mask. Counting pennies again and being grateful I have Social Security. I wouldn’t be able to budget travel and anyone who CAN ought to be glad they have the means to live well RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE.
It feels like my days are identical, get up, get out before the heat, come home and ice down because it’s SCORCHING out there and I’ve gone into heat exhaustion once already, eat, shower, chill out a little, do household chores, write stuff and post it online, make dinner, watch escapist crap with the Engineer, sleep, repeat. Indefinitely. Big social event: yelling thanks and Stay Safe from inside the house at the guy who delivers our gin.
People really think they’re immortal and nothing will touch THEM. I don’t know why. Until more people figure it out or are FORCED to do the right things… it’s Groundhog Day.
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Yeah, thing is though, even through the times mentioned in the video there were the same horrid people being selfish assholes and worse. Those 6 million Jews didn’t kill themselves! We were actually given the gifts of intelligent thought and empathy (and opposable thumbs) and what have we done, what have we learned? Not feeling very hopeful these days, I’m afraid.
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I think there have always been those people who don’t give a shit beyond the end of their noses, but they’re more visible now with social media to spread their message. It does make me angry when people refuse to wear masks because it doesn’t necessarily benefit them personally. I hold them up there with people who don’t vaccinate their kids. I know people bitch about mask wearing and to be honest that doesn’t bother me. We all like to bitch about things, but as long as we just grumble whilst WEARING THE FUCKING MASK then fine, whatever gets you through it. I don’t care if they comply with a smile – as long as they comply.
I’m sorry you feel so hopeless. I hope you feel more positive soon – that sounds so trite but it’s genuinely meant.
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Thanks Deb. The “problem” with writing stuff like this on my blog is when people feel they should do something about it, about how I’m feeling. And that’s not why I do it. You’ve been with me long enough to know that my posts are sometimes a bit of a “therapy session”, but not just for me. So many times during the whole cancer thing people got in touch thanking me for saying what they had been feeling but didn’t know how to express. And more recently a friend got in touch when I spoke about my chronic anxiety, and opened up to me about their problem with depression.
So I’m not asking for help or solutions when I get on here and maybe get a bit too personal and “heavy” for some people. I’m just talking about how this feels right now, for me, and maybe it feels similar for others and they will relate to it. Because sometimes just knowing you’re not alone with your feelings can help.
Wishing me well is not trite at all, Deb. I know you mean it, and I appreciate it a lot. xx
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I feel like we are on the ocean with this thing – buffeted by wave after wave of fear, hope, fear, hope, fear, action, inaction, other people’s fuck ups, our own fuck ups, worry… and so on and on, like a little boat without a rudder. Or a big boat, or whatever. It is relentless. The hoo ha with mask wearing is beyond stupid, as is the crowding onto beaches and leaving your shit (literally in some cases) for others (who they??) to clean up. Not just stupid but monumentally selfish and damaging. I go from despair to slivers of hope back to despair again daily. I am visiting to my 93 year old Ma and her partner (83) and see the decline in their lives as they can’t get out, socialise and just be active. They have both seen many of the things in that video and they are sucking this up and getting on with it, despite the government’s mixed messages and contradictory advice. I can’t hug my mum but I get to see her. I am lucky enough to be able travel and am doing so in my own country. It’s enough for now. Sorry, rambling here – crying with you quite often Shawn, really feel your sadness. We don’t need the old world back – we need a new, kind and thoughtful world. And less plastic. Here’s hoping. Big love darling girl, hang in there. xxx
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Your mum has a toy-boy?? 😉
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Oh shit, might be a toy-girl (??), and of course I was being silly because one of the worst things is not being able to hug the people you love.
Had that one day of crying and now just feel all wrung-out. Keep well sweetie. xx
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haha! yes, toy girl – though it’s hard to tell who is older sometimes! Day of crying can be cathartic but can take its toll so rest up. xx
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