one day

One of those days of going through the motions, trying to care, trying to not panic, feeling like a failure at everything. There’s a heaviness about everything I try to do, or even think about doing, so then I just can’t. Do anything.

The last time I honestly opened up and told a friend how I was feeling on a bad day like this – last summer – their reply was that I should seek professional help. Clearly “bad day Shawn” isn’t someone anyone wants to know about, or even know, as this person no longer speaks to me.

So then I push myself to go for a walk because fresh air helps. Moving helps.

And then I run into an acquaintance who asks how I am. And I give the same reply I now give to everyone. The one they want to hear. The one that doesn’t make them feel uncomfortable or obliged to say or do anything. And I walk away feeling like I dodged a bullet – phew, fooled them! – and then feel more alone than ever. But at least they’ll talk to me next time I see them.

Anyhow, I don’t expect a reply to this, because that wasn’t the point of writing it, let alone publishing it. It’s part of what I do here on this blog, just sometimes writing things down so I will remember how I felt or what I did at a given point in time. It’s also for those of you who I’ve never met but for some reason you read this blog and occasionally you tell me that I’ve said things that reflect how you are feeling, or what you’re going through, and that that was enough. To know you’re not alone. Well guess what? That works both ways. Because I know you’ll understand this. xx