Tags
One of those days of going through the motions, trying to care, trying to not panic, feeling like a failure at everything. There’s a heaviness about everything I try to do, or even think about doing, so then I just can’t. Do anything.
The last time I honestly opened up and told a friend how I was feeling on a bad day like this – last summer – their reply was that I should seek professional help. Clearly “bad day Shawn” isn’t someone anyone wants to know about, or even know, as this person no longer speaks to me.
So then I push myself to go for a walk because fresh air helps. Moving helps.
And then I run into an acquaintance who asks how I am. And I give the same reply I now give to everyone. The one they want to hear. The one that doesn’t make them feel uncomfortable or obliged to say or do anything. And I walk away feeling like I dodged a bullet – phew, fooled them! – and then feel more alone than ever. But at least they’ll talk to me next time I see them.
Anyhow, I don’t expect a reply to this, because that wasn’t the point of writing it, let alone publishing it. It’s part of what I do here on this blog, just sometimes writing things down so I will remember how I felt or what I did at a given point in time. It’s also for those of you who I’ve never met but for some reason you read this blog and occasionally you tell me that I’ve said things that reflect how you are feeling, or what you’re going through, and that that was enough. To know you’re not alone. Well guess what? That works both ways. Because I know you’ll understand this. xx
casa azahar 
Gonna reply anyway. Because for starters, I really hate it when you open up to someone about feeling shitty and straight off they tell you to get professional help. It always sounds to me like “Don’t bring me down with your shit.” I don’t think you lost much by having that person stop talking to you, except the illusino that they were a friend.
I’ve had it happen two or three times and you know me, I usually do feel better for chucking a dumbbell around. But even if I don’t, I’ve learned not to tell people I’m feeling scared, or hurt, or hopeless. And in the middle of all this shit, only an abnormal person feels like everything is peachy keen.
We just do keep putting one foot in front of the other.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’d think I’d have learned already with all the cancer shit. Very few people are actually able to hear what you are saying when you talk about it.
These past few months have been darker than I realised. It was only when I started walking again that I saw how much a prisoner I’d become. I thought I was doing fine, all things considered. But… NOPE.
Anyhow, you know me. I just put things here “for the record”.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s really shitty. A lot of people can’t just listen, they have to offer advice, when all that’s sometimes needed is for a person to be heard. I’m aware this is something I have done in the past, and I do try to focus on listening and only advise if I’m asked. I would say perhaps that’s what that person was doing, going straight into problem solving, but the fact they haven’t spoken to you since rather speaks volumes about them as a person.
This is your space to use as you want and we’re not just here for the cats 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
NO… you’re just here for one cat! 😉
Thing is, I know it’s hard if someone suddenly tells you something that’s outside your comfort zone. Usually I’m good a discerning if it’s safe to step outside that. This one took me by surprise though as we’d been chatting on whatsapp daily for years. I don’t think they were actually trying to solve the “problem”, more that they were telling me they didn’t want to know about it.
And life goes on.
LikeLike
You’ve got me…it’s all about Loki ❤ 😀
If only people were only upfront about their intentions. "Hey, I love chatting with you about frothy stuff but don't come at me with the real life stuff, I only want to be a fair weather friend" 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, I clearly “misread the room” in this case, though looking back there had been a couple of warning signs.
I’m fine with having casual acquaintances, and I really appreciate many of whom I’ve known for years. We seem to have a non-verbal agreement that things are kept light and that’s okay. It doesn’t feel like they are “fair weather friends” because we just never go anywhere deep, so we enjoy each other on that level, and that’s fair enough.
And then sometimes when there is nobody to talk to I just talk here. 🙂
LikeLike