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Category Archives: humour

rules for writers

22 Friday Feb 2008

Posted by azahar in books & writing, humour, language

≈ 19 Comments

pants-1.jpg

An oldie but a goodie . . . 🙂

  1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
  2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
  4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  5. Avoid cliches like the plague (they’re old hat).
  6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
  7. Be more or less specific.
  8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
  9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
  10. No sentence fragments.
  11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
  12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
  14. One should NEVER generalize.
  15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  16. Don’t use no double negatives.
  17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
  21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
  22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
  23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
  24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
  25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
  26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
  27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
  28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
  29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
  30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Can you think of any more?

Number 29 is dedicated to Archie & FFE and the pic is for alejna.

25 signs that you have grown up

20 Wednesday Feb 2008

Posted by azahar in culture, humour, miscellany, silly

≈ 16 Comments

grown-up.jpg

Apparently you are grown and responsible gentlemen/women when :

  1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
  2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
  3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
  5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
  6. You watch the Weather Channel.
  7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”.
  8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
  9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up”.
  10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
  11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
  12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
  13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
  15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
  16. You take naps.
  17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
  18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
  19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
  20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.
  21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
  22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again”.
  23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
  25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”
Something sent in an email awhile ago … it’s a bit hard to tell whether I’m not totally ‘grown up’ yet or if I was just never that young. How about you?

f_surfer.gif

 

 

procrastination flow chart

16 Saturday Feb 2008

Posted by azahar in humour, miscellany

≈ 18 Comments

 

pfc.jpg

Gee, I can’t imagine what made me think of this today.
I also can’t remember where I originally came across it.

You can see a bigger version over here… f_zen.gif

white whale haiku

09 Saturday Feb 2008

Posted by azahar in art, books, humour

≈ 10 Comments

moby-dick.jpg

I just had to share this after seeing it over on loricat’s booknook.

Especially as Moby Dick is one of those very few books that I’ve started on several occasions but have never been able to finish (well, until now 😉 ), much to my friend Blues’s dismay. Luckily Blues still talks to me after the copy he sent me as a gift remains only partially read.

Hope you enjoy this wonderful illustrated haiku Moby Dick as much as I did.

Moby Dick in haiku

~ created by MadHaiku ~

f_schooloffish.giff_schooloffish.giff_schooloffish.gif

quote o’ the year

26 Saturday Jan 2008

Posted by azahar in culture, humour, miscellany, weird

≈ 6 Comments

stock.jpg

If it’s in stock, we have it

f_biggrin.gif

~ found at compu-diva ~

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