It’s been about nine days since my ‘almost operation’ – is it still considered an operation if they didn’t actually hack into my liver and remove the tumours?. In any case, I’m sure this is why I went home after just two days, as I’m mostly ‘just’ recovering from having a 15″ j-shaped gash cut into me rather than that and my liver being resected. And I seem to be recovering from it quite well. Meanwhile . . .
I went to see Dr A this morning because he thought it might be time to start taking out the staples. But when the nurse had a look at me she said it would be better to start on Friday. They usually take out every other staple first, then a couple of days later they remove the rest. Dr A was impressed by the state of my midsection and told me it looked like I have zippers. Ha ha.
My next oncology appointment is next Thursday, October 9th. Yesterday I had lunch with an old friend (and sorta kinda ‘ex’), and he offered to go with me as he’s bilingual and will be able to help me ask – and more importantly get answers for – all of my questions. Last time I saw Pablo was summer 2002, so we had a lot to catch up on. It was also my first time out of the house in over a week, which felt wonderful. Anyhow, I’m really grateful that he’ll be there next week because some doctors have an annoying way of pretending they don’t understand my Spanish when I ask them questions they don’t want to answer.
I can’t help but think that the last four months were wasted in terms of treatment. After the colon resection in May the surgeon told me that the area was left ‘totally clean’, so I’m assuming that the peritoneal lesions the liver surgeon saw last week have appeared since then and while I was on chemo. So did delaying the surgery until the end of September and having me on the wrong chemo for three months allow this extra metastasis to occur? Also, they found a third tumour in my liver last week (only two showed up on my PET scan in June). Pilar told me it might have been there but showed up as a false negative, or it may have grown after that. Who knows? Pablo tells me to stick to what is and what will be, rather than worry about the what if’s and what might have beens, and I know he’s right. But I still can’t help but wonder.
Some other progress made relates to that. Since the last operation, and especially since Nog told me the news about the surgery and new tumours found, I’ve kind of come through the fear and out the other side as it were. It isn’t that I’m not afraid anymore, it’s just that I’ve decided that there is no point in living as though I’m afraid. I mean, I’ve been telling myself this since last May, and others have said likewise, but until it actually hits home as something true for you it doesn’t matter how logical you or others are … it has to feel real.
What feels real to me now is that a lot of what happens next is out of my control. But unlike before, I won’t be so passive about just ‘taking my medicine’ and will do a lot more research and also make sure that my doctors keep me informed. Other than that … it’s just going to be about living each day for the precious gift it is (without getting too precious about it) and making sure I don’t lose this new perspective on things.
Wish me luck 
casa azahar 
Pablo is right, az. I know it is easier said than done but sticking to the “is” and “will be” is the best thing… That is good advice for just about anything in life. We can agonize over whether we “should” have done or “why didn’t I” to the point where we simply can’t function.
It doesn’t help and, quite frankly, if he HAD done the other thing, taken the other fork, would the outcome have been what we think it might have been?
We make a choice, based on what we think is best…. It seemed best, based on what we weighed it by, or the best advice we get (and it seems to me that you have some pretty good advisers, people you trust — with good reason). Going back, would you make the same decisions? It doesn’t matter, but I suspect you would have. The outcome of that step in your healing might have been different, it might have been better, it might have been worse, or it might have been the same.
One step at a time… Don’t let the moments of “What if I had” or “Why didn’t I” let your mind waver from the “Here… Now”.
You are blessed with lots of loving support and people around you with experience and expertise who CARE about YOU and your coming out of this. Trust yourself and trust your support network to help you make those good decision.
We all love you.
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That should have read “If WE had done the other thing, taken the other fork”.
Being down to two fingers means even MORE typos than usual.
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Good luck then
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(Sorry about the abrupt cutoff – there should have been a :hug: smiley, or at least the h2g2 code for it, after the above)
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Not easy stuff, I know.
Not really much I can add to what’s been said, but in the meantime check this fella out;
http://www.seasicksteve.com/
and in particular the storming title track to his new album I Started Out With Nothing, And I Still Got Most Of It Left.
I think you might dig him.
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I am a huge Seasick Steve fan… I know you will like him, az.
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Wish you luck?
I wish you a hillside full of four-leaf clovers, a horseshoe up every orifice, and 7 whenever you want it.
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well, finally figured out how to read this darn thing – just read it for gods sake, as you say ( probably and understandably through gritted teeth at my utter stupidity, my dear, dear, dear old bean). So busy scanning for sound bites that I missed the whole news thing.
Am up to speed with you now, and fuck fuck fuckity fuck, what a roller coaster you are on. So many amazing people have left some fantastic comments, some profound, some simple, some really funny (its the picture of donkey cock sunday*or whatever that was – poor unsuspecting donkey…. or maybe lucky donkey – euughh..), I haven’t got anything original to add. That doesn’t mean haven’t thought every one of those sentiments (*not that one). I have, I do.
It is good to hear you say you won’t be passive this time (never really known you to be passive but still..) – its so easy to think doctors know best. They may know more, but that doesn’t mean they know best. Don’t know if you are remotely into hocus pocus medicine – I sit on the fence with these things until crunch time and then buy it by the ton. A friend of mine recovered from stomach cancer, second visit in 11 years, last year. He had chemo and all the regular stuff but he also did meditation, had massages, did visualisation and loads of other stuff. I don’t know what you have access to in Sevilla but I went to the Penny Brohn Centre with Stu and would have gone all the way with with them but unfortunately Stu was a curmudgeonly old bugger and only gave in when it was too late. http://www.pennybrohncancercare.org Might be worth a look, or a call to see if they have anything similar in your neck of the woods.
Enough advice now. Listen to Seasick Steve, a wonderful gnarly old hobo, snack until you can snack no more, this is no time to diet, and think of me, of all your friends, thinking of you and take some strength from that because I have plenty to spare for you and it won’t run out I promise, not til you are better anyway, then I might have little lie down.
Love you by the bucket and apologise for being such crap communicator.
PS – I have a date on Saturday with a tall, skinny American who lives in Wales!
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Yes, sweetie, anytime they put scalpel to skin, it’s an operation. Just not the big one in this case. Glad you got out of the house. Now we must find a way for you to beat me at Scrabble again.
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Well, being the one that “checks the aftermath” I can assure that you very often find stuff no one had a clue about, regardless fancy multi million money machines. Sad but true.
Focus on the present, honey, and make plans for the future. Don’t dwell in the past. It’s already done.
*hugs*
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You know, when people say to me “Live for the present, don’t worry about the past – about what might have been etc etc” I often think: “Yeah? I’d like to see just how well Buddha and Jesus would have coped with that if they were ever really tested by ‘orrible surgery and treatment for bodily nasties. I doubt they’d have been as Zen as all that.”
Eat everything you enjoy and tell your body to get well, Az. We’re with ya, honey.
*hugs*
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That advice about sticking to the “is” and not worrying about “what could have been” is true for the rest of life too, not just for health issues.
Good luck, and thanks for all the fish. Or something like that.
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Good luck
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What’s happened to your other fingers, Anneke?
People often try to use chevrons here like on h2g2, Toy Box, but it is taken as bad html and doesn’t show up. Thanks for the hug!
I’d never heard of Seasick Sam before, Blues. Thanks for that.
Horseshoes up my orifices, ian? Ouch.
No gritting of teeth, Lizzie, though there was some rolling of the eyes. 😉 I’d love to be able to afford something like the Penny Brohn centre, or even just be able to have weekly massages and a yoga instructor come to my home, but I’m not even sure how I’m going to pay my rent next month so that sort of thing just isn’t possible. So I’ll just have to spoil myself in other ways. Oh, and I want to hear all about that date!
You’re right, Silverstar – it must have been a real operation. Sure hurt like a bugger. The pain is lessening each day (I’m down to 2 pain pills from 4), but it’s still hard getting up from bed. And it’s nice to be able to laugh again without going ha ha ha owwww ow ha ha ouch stop haaaa ha.
I guess you’re right about technology, dq. I should be happy about what it can do rather than frustrated about what it can’t.
The thing about people telling you stuff like that, truce, is that they can tell you until they’re blue in the face, but until it becomes true for you then it’s all just words. It also doesn’t help that often the people who tell you such things are not exactly shining examples of what they preach.
Thanks, hmh and Dave. The ‘luck’ is for staying on track and not getting lost in fear again. I reckon that’s going to take a lot of work, but a little luck never hurts. 🙂
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If your friend is bilingual it would be a good opportunity to get clear, straight, upfront information, so that you are clear in your own mind. Obviously there is no definite truth of things, it’s just about probabilities, opinions etc, based on their experience as doctors You said that ‘some doctors have an annoying way of pretending they don’t understand my Spanish when I ask them questions they don’t want to answer.’ So you’d be able to check that out if you explained that to your friend as he’s bilingual.
Obviously any thing they say is just a professional opinion, but you’ve said here before that you want to know the ‘facts’ as they see it. If they are not telling you that, it is disrespectful to you, or of course it may well be the language problem. You’ll be able to sort out that confusion. In any case it sounds great that you have someone bilingual coming with you, that you can trust, and be clear with about, exactly what you want to know, and get some straight answers from them, for your own benefit.
Love Fanny.
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Re: Fingers… I had a wee “Anneke” accident… I was knocked down a flight of stairs in a park when someone behind me tripped. They were able to catch the handrail… I was not. Apart from many bruises and bumps and scrapes, I have a broken left naughty pointing finger, broken bone in my right hand, and a large cut between pinkie and ring finger on the right hand (9 stitches, though I could have lost my pinkie finger… luckily, although deep and long, there was no nerve or structural damage).
It could have been much, much, much worse. Luckily, my mother who was with me was at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me and was not beside or in front of me. I doubt she would have survived the fall. As it was, I could have been killed but actually came away with relatively few injuries. They X-rayed me from top to bottom and with the exception of my hands, no other major damage. I didn’t even get knocked out, though I was dazed… There was also lots of blood as my head was cut in a small spot in my hairline (4 stitches). A LOT of blood…. My clothes were ruined.
There is a photo of my leg (which is one of the minor bruises) and a short vlog about it on my blog.
I AM my annual Dubash bruise!
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Holy shit, Anneke! Sorry I missed that on your blog – I haven’t been visiting people as often as I usually do (this will be changing soon). As you say, it could have been worse, but it certainly sounds bad enough. I hope the pain goes away soon. Gentle hugs…
Yeah, it should really help having Pablo with me next time, Fanny. It was very kind of him to offer to come.
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Christ, az… I think you have a lot more on your plate than most of us. I was going to mention this to you by way of explaining why I haven’t been playing my turns in Scramble, though have been in Wordscraper.
My sister is pissed off with me because she only learned on Tuesday evening.
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So today is the day! I have to admit that I’m quite nervous about getting the updated prognosis as everything I’ve been reading about peritoneal cancer doesn’t sound very optimistic.
I’m glad that Pablo will be there because I have a few technical questions about a few treatments I’ve read about and he can make sure they are phrased properly.
And Nog is also coming, though only Pablo and I will go in for the consultation. He told me last night that he wanted to be there at the hospital with me when I find out what the next step is going to be. I think he’s feeling quite nervous too.
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