I’m afraid the black clouds were back this weekend.
I think the oncologist visit on Friday kind of threw me, as well as some other info I’ve been reading elsewhere. It suddenly hit home that I am in a remission state at the moment that I’ve been taking way too much for granted. Which at first felt like a bit of a wake up call, and I set about making sure that I didn’t waste any more days. Then I totally collapsed about half-way through my “wonderful day” and I realised that I need to do things differently. It seems that even taking things one day at a time is still more than I can handle, so I dunno … take things by the hour? Seriously, I think making lists and then just focusing on the job at hand is probably going to be the best way of coping for now. A little therapeutic tunnel vision. Hour by hour. Because trying to deal with a whole day is sometimes just too overwhelming.
So I’ll be starting today off with an hour of coffee & reading in bed, then an hour of yoga, and then … well then we’ll see if I can get the sun to come out. One hour at a time. . .
casa azahar 
Yes, you have to break things down into pieces you can handle. I do it all the time. Sometimes it’s a minute to minute thing, sometimes hour to hour. It’s always adjustable. You are very wise to listen to your body and intuition and go as slowly as both of those things dictate. Take care!
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“It’s always adjustable.”
Yeah, that’s what I think too, WC. In fact, the hour by hour thing was mostly how I was living before, especially during chemo and after the operations. Sometimes just thinking in the afternoon that there was still all that evening to get through would throw me into a panic, so I learned to “not go there” until I was actually there.
Except now that I’m “supposed to be better”, I’m finding it harder to accept that I still can’t deal with certain things. When I was recovering from ops or pumped full of nasty chemicals I could give myself a break, you know? But lately I get so frustrated and annoyed with myself for not doing better than I am, which of course doesn’t help. And it isn’t that I go around being negative or feeling sorry for myself – quite the opposite. I am always looking for ways to help my situation.
It’s just that I feel so bloody worn out.
When I said before that the last operation really took it out of me I wasn’t exaggerating. I just didn’t “snap back” as quickly after that one, and not just physically. And while I can tell myself that this is “normal” after having gone through three major surgeries in seven months (with two months of chemo thrown in) … well, that doesn’t help me know what to do about it now. Because there just isn’t any energy left, you know?
And there also isn’t any money left in the bank, so I know that I have to snap out of it, find work, get back on my feet, keep going … but, that’s the problem. Keep going with what? I’m just not used to feeling so weak and exhausted, and it scares me.
Anyhow, time to finish my coffee and get to yoga class.
You see? I am trying…
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Very trying 😉
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😛
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Sorry – couldn’t help myself
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And you see, the stupid thing is that if I’d read that at another moment I might have burst into tears. But I’d just got home from yoga class and having a juice with Flor, so I was feeling pretty good.
That is actually the weather forecast for Sevilla this week. So all of a sudden it’s hello sandals and goodbye duvets. Well, if I do end up needing more chemo at least I won’t have to do it during cold weather, which really would have been unbearable.
Just heard back from the hospital – PET scan is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon … eep!
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Wow, what a weather forecast! You”ll be glad to throw off those winter duvets I’m sure!
Here in NI it’s grey and a bit damp, but I have tomorrow off for St Pats, so if it looks dry I might be taking my new bike out for a spin!
Fingers crossed for Wednesday (but we’ll be chatting before then, no doubt)
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Sometimes we have to study our animals in order to discover how to live one day at a time. Ruby is particularly good at living in the moment. I wish I could focus the way she does. And as soon as something good is happening (like I come outside to walk around the place) she forgets all about the two hours she spent sleeping in her dog house (WAITING). I can’t focus the way she does, but she is a good example.
Meanwhile. Keep taking care of yourself and your energy will increase. Also, if you have a friend who does massage and/or reiki, it can be helpful for them to go through your aura and clear out all the junk that gets left behind in your energy body by chemotherapy, radiation and surgery. I know that sounds sort of airy fairy new agey, but those things DO affect your energy body in a negative way, and it can be a huge change in state for your physical body if that gets cleared away for you. You can accomplish some of the same thing by taking a bath or a shower and visualizing the water “washing” your aura clear, although a trained energy worker will accomplish more.
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My sister, bless her heart is a retired workaholic. She has book after book of filled large notebooks with lines through things she had to do that she’s done. Every evening she fills the next page with ‘to-dos’ and then over the next day she does them and crosses them off. She and her husband live on a farm in the country so there are lots of projects, last time I was there it was ‘get the apples out of the top of the trees so the grizzlies don’t break the branches’, ‘reinforce the ramp to the garage’, ‘collect eggs’, that sort of thing. So the list seems pretty inevitable and she works hard every day to cross it all off. My visit was a very happy one, I got to help her with her list and it was fun but I could see it was draining her more every day.
I told her she should make the list shorter but she said it all had to be done. So I said don’t finish a page every day, just what felt right. She’s told me since that it was very good advice that she hadn’t thought of.
I’m worried that she might make it a page and a half now!
Take care and take it easy, enjoy it.
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Speaking of St Paddy’s, Bea, apparently Ireland is changing its laws for claiming citizenship. Now you can claim if you have an Irish great-grandparent. Well, this is for US citizens, but if they extend it to Canadians then I can be Irish too!
Ruby is definitely on to a good thing, hmh. Not sure about the aura stuff, but my neighbour Judy is a masseuse so I may ask her about that. What the heck.
“but I could see it was draining her more every day”
I find it draining not having a list, zoomer. In fact, I find having lists quite comforting these days. No need to think, no real stress about having to get things done … just pick previously planned tasks and activities. I not only get things done and feel like I’ve accomplished something, but it keeps me from having days like yesterday (bleh, almost all day on the sofa not knowing what to do next).
Will be leaving for pilates class soon, so that’ll get me out of the house for awhile. Seriously, I feel much less tired when I’m active all day.
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Lists can be very good – especially for combatting insomnia. I find if I write down the things that are chruning around in mind it helps to let me get back to sleep.
You’re already an honorary Irish woman, but it would be cool to be officially Oirish!
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