Tags
Something MAJOR happened to me last June 28th when I was told my latest PET scan came back clear – I stopped feeling so goddamn scared, worried and upset all the time. It just stopped. And I decided that no matter what happened when I had the next PET in January, I was going to take a “cancer holiday” and not only truly enjoy my first summer in three years not being on chemo, but also work on getting ahead with my life and not fret about “what ifs”. Because it’s often felt like a very long and lonely limbo since May 2008. And I think that in general most people got that, even if they couldn’t really know how it felt, and I think they cut me some slack if I was ever a bit over-emotional or said something stupid … I do think most of my friends knew it was the Fear talking. But some didn’t, or chose not to see the scary place I was in, and that the source of any emotional or verbal outbursts stemmed from … well, basically the daily stress of having stage IV cancer and all that entails. Those people are no longer in my life, and I do not miss them, though sometimes the cruelty of their refusal to cut me any slack makes me wonder what the hell that is all about…
We’ve all known chronic complainers and “cry-wolfers” who are a misery to be around because no matter how much time, caring, money, etc you give them, they will always stay in their same miserable place and demand more. They are blackholes of need that only know how to take and take and take. So, nuff said about them.
What I’ve been wondering about lately are those who are truly in need of a little (and sometimes a lot) of slack. Because it seems that there are many people who only see what’s happening on the surface. And okay, in general it’s safe to say that we are all responsible for our own behaviour as adults, so for the most part if we fuck up and do or say something stupid or hurtful, or otherwise behave badly, then probably the “no excuses” button applies and we need to apologise and make amends. But what about when someone is in a very high-stress situation – loss of a loved one (either through death or being dumped), loss of job and financial security, serious illness or injury – how much slack should we give them? How much slack do you give them? When does not being able to cope begin to sound like an excuse to you?
Aside from my family, who unceremoniously dumped me the minute they found out I had cancer (so they wouldn’t feel obliged to send me money) I have only been dumped – or dumped upon – by about half a dozen people in the past two years. I reckon that’s not too bad considering the number of friends who have stuck with me. But I do still wonder at those who seemingly saw no connection between what they saw as odd behaviour on my part and the whole stage IV cancer/3 major ops/twice on chemo thing that, in fact, I am still going through. What? I wasn’t allowed to slip up, overreact, or be extra needy at times? In short, I wasn’t due any slack? Thing is, I have never used having cancer and all I’ve been through as an excuse for anything (except sometimes not being able to get out of bed), because I am actually tougher on myself than anyone else could ever be. But I was surprised a few times by the judgement not only fell hard and fast, and that I wasn’t even asked why or given a chance to explain myself.
Meanwhile, I have sometimes been asked “oh, why do you put up with so-and-so?” or “how can you stand such-and-such?” about friends or acquaintances of mine … and it’s because I know what’s behind the weirdness, and I also know how much it hurts to be harshly judged and tossed aside. Besides, there would already be a very good reason for me to have these people in my life in the first place. So I cut them some slack.
How about you? Do you tend to cut people a lot of slack or are you more likely to be tough on people who don’t measure up? I’m still working on it, but the only people I’ve ever totally cut out of my life are those who have hurt me beyond any chance of forgiveness. And who needs people like that around anyhow?
casa azahar 
I used to try cutting slacks but the wearers got upset – – –
Do as you would be done by. The goldenest rule of all.
LikeLike
Nobody calls them slacks anymore, Archie! Showing yer age 😉
I do like that goldenest rule…
LikeLike
I have a weird pet peeve about this sort of thing- people (this often applies to women, but not solely) that are very talented / beautiful / thin / amazing that CONSTANTLY want validation of that fact. ‘Oh, I’m so rubbish / fat’ and like trained monkeys we rush to reassure these people how amazing they are. I tend to do that for not very long at all. I get too annoyed.
Someone with an actual issue – sure. I’ll pander and coddle and support and be lovely. The other type? Hand me the clue-by-four already.
_____
Having said that…how far back do you go in being understanding and giving slack? How long can I say ‘oh, I’m damaged from having been bullied and depressed’? I don’t want to be this way and sometimes I think I’m fine and then someone will point out to me that ‘normal’ people don’t do the stuff I do or say the stuff I do.
______
Can’t believe people dump you for having cancer. I understand people possibly not having patience if it’s all one way, all the time, but then you just take a little time-out and then come back again later. Cancer isn’t catching.
LikeLike
I wouldn’t say people dumped me for having cancer as such, but some didn’t seem to get that there were some very dark & scary times that went along with that… they thought I was just “overreacting”. First time this happened was two days before I was about to start chemo for the first time after having just been told I had stage IV cancer. I had no idea what to expect and was terrified beyond anything I’d ever felt before. This so-called friend chose to interpret my fear as being “all about her” and then dumped me for having spoiled her holiday … unbelievable.
Re: the “damaged” whiners, I have to admit I have little patience with them. Though having been there myself (a product of two violent & abusive alcoholic parents) I do try to empathise when I see someone really struggling to get through stuff… but if they’re just wallowing I get fed up quite quickly and leave them to it.
As for the needy attention grabbers … eh? Those are exactly the sort that feel miffed when your terminal illness robs them of a bit of the spotlight. Idiots.
LikeLike
I will second that goldenest rule of all – none of us know when our own chips will be down (whatever that really means – anyone know?) and we will need the help of someone who has leaned on us during their own tough times. And if that time never comes, so what, you have helped someone out; they are better for it, you are better for it. It’s win win. Anyway – I’m going for a beer on the terrace of the Avon Gorge Hotel to watch the sun sink behind Brunel’s masterpiece bridge – yay! Also – your tickets are in the post. xx
LikeLike
Yay! Love that spot – perfect for sunset watching. Can’t wait to see the bridge again. And you. Am amazed tickets are not still on the kitchen table… 😛
LikeLike
It took me a lot of my life just to grasp the importance of the distinction between people who will always be in a crisis, no matter what, and the people who really are on the ropes (even if it’s just for an afternoon) and will reward your forbearance when you cut ’em a little slack. I think going into a full time career as a massage therapist really trained me to save the slack for people who weren’t professional catastrophes. When you witness how different individuals frame their problems over a span of time, you see the difference.
Most people of normal intelligence grasp by now that cancer isn’t catching (though I have living memory of people who thought so), but fear? the awareness of mortality? the reminder of how deeply any one of us could need others to help us? Those issues throw some people into a stark panic, especially people who deal with mortality through denial. At the risk of being sexist, I think men freak out on this more than women do, if only because they’re usually pushing forty before their bodies stop obeying them unconditionally, while women have to deal with that reality the minute that puberty hits.
If cancer or any other scary illness, and the fear it creates, make someone run away from you or try to make you wrong, it just means they’ve got some growing up to do, and it will be better if they do it a long way away from you.
LikeLike
Love that last paragraph. Thank you!
LikeLike
I wonder if you realise that that golden rule is in the Bible … Matthew 7 v 12 … ” So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you ” … words of the Lord Jesus!
LikeLike
In the bible and many other places – it’s quite universal. I like it.
The Golden Rule
LikeLike
Hillel, Jewish Rabbi (b. 50 B.C.):
“Do not to others what you would not like others to do to you.”
Aristotle, Greek (385B.C.):
“We should conduct ourselves towards others as we would have them act towards us.”
Pittacus, Greek (650 B.C.):
“Do not to your neighbor what you would take ill from him.”
Zoroaster, Persian: (b. 18th↔10th century BCE)
“Hold it not meet to do unto others what thou wouldst not desire done unto thyself; do that unto the people, which when done to thyself, is not disagreeable unto these.”
Confucius, China (551 BC – 479 BC):
“Do unto another what you would have him do unto you, and do not unto another what you would not have him do unto you.”
The Mahabharata, India:
“This is the sum of all true righteousness — treat others as thou wouldst thyself be treated. Do nothing to thy neighbor which hereafter thou wouldst not have thy neighbor do to thee.”
LikeLike
Very impressive! Perhaps I should just finish my quote … “for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”
LikeLike
It does sound as if you’ve had a very challenging time, but you have learned who your true friends are, and maybe that’s a good thing? Though an awful way to have to figure that out. We can never put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and should therefore never judge. But, you already know that.. better than me.
I’m glad you’re having a good period, your summer looks like it’s been fun!
LikeLike
Yep, it’s the best damn summer I’ve ever had! 🙂
And now heading into a very busy autumn, which is equally exciting.
I do think it’s a good thing to know where you stand with people. I just wish there was a more honest and direct way of finding out – like before people waste your time pretending that they like you and you end up believing them…
But I can’t think of anyone like that who is still in my life, so this is a good thing.
LikeLike
I cut people a lot of slack, even when I shouldn’t.
However, I am sometimes prone to flying off the handle when, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have. I sometimes apologise to people I shouldn’t actually have to apologize to because I am embarrassed about flying off the handle at when I had every right to do so.
My Mom often bends over backwards to help people who are using her because she was always told that “appearances are everything”. She was told that showing your anger was not appropriate, nor was calling a spade a spade.
I am tired of that. I now stand up when I know I have to stand up… for the most part. I will not be intimidated by yahoos who think that they have rights that supersede mine – like those teens parking and drinking outside my house in the middle of the night.. My neighbours are afraid of getting them mad. I don’t see the point. I a m mad and will only get madder and more bent out of shape if I DON”T take action and as intimidating as they may be, I will not allow them to continue ruining my life.
I try to treat others with respect and expect to be treated with respect in return.
LikeLike
Good for you, Anneke. And that whole thing about sometimes “flying off the handle” … well, your real friends would understand that this is sometimes what you do under stress, and that’s the point – they’d understand and accept it as a part of who you are. They wouldn’t decide that this was ALL you are and write you off.
LikeLike
I am generally a poor judge of people. Unless I am sure of the badness of a person, I tend to cut slack and do so in a lot of different ways. When I don’t, I try to simply go away and not see or speak with them again.
LikeLike
For me the last straw is dishonesty or being hurtful on purpose – the latter also includes making an unfair accusation, or trying to lay blame, without any sort of discussion. Does that count as “badness”? After that, no more slack. Zip. Nada. Door closed.
I must be a poor judge of character too because whenever this has happened it’s totally taken me by surprise. And I also just go away, though these days it’s hard to avoid certain people on teh internets.
In fact, I seem to have acquired a stalker! Someone who let me know in no uncertain terms that they were fed up with me, and yet this person won’t stop commenting on my blog. I don’t get it but I suppose they’ll tire of doing this in time. Meanwhile, it’s just a minor annoyance having to keep removing these very inappropriate comments.
LikeLike
There is an ex-friend who tries to subscribe to my blog. He gets kicked off as quickly as possible. What you mentioned above is about right for this fellow too. Add a big dollop of pathetic as well.
Like you, I never see it coming. I don’t have detective skills so I end up having to deal with it after a problem begins.
LikeLike
I’m really glad I’ve had friends who have cut me slack at the right time along the way. It goes both ways.
LikeLike
Indeed it does.
LikeLike
Cancer teaches you a lot about yorself and others. Some friends behaved very badly when Sara was diagnosed. We don’t see them anymore. And that’s their loss – we may have fewer friends, but we have better friends.
As for the cutting of slack, we’ll find out in the next month as I’m in cahrge of the team at work for the next month and we have two serious underperformers. I try to be understanding but in the present climate we can’t carry passengers, and they need to understand where the wind is blowing from and how hard.
LikeLike
I remember you telling me this before I got sick and I was appalled that people could be so thoughtless. Heh, live and learn. I also agree with “their loss” and I certainly feel better off without these people in my life.
Wow, that sounds like it’s going to be tough being a fair boss in such circumstances. But at least in a job situation people are usually given a warning and told where their performance is lacking, with some time to shape up or ship out.
Oh and …
Happy Birthday!!!
🙂
LikeLike
I think taking a holiday form these things kicking back is a great thing to do az. Tis a great attitude which applies in all situations. Good for you, and good news about the PET scan.
LikeLike
I’m actually quite pleasantly surprised at how much my attitude changed for the better after that last PET scan. Mostly it was about letting go of The Fear. It’s a real relief.
LikeLike