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I do sometimes wonder if it’s just a matter of time before I snap. Or maybe that’s what the cancer was all about, and now it’s about to come back. But the bottom line is that it’s just too much. After almost two years of ops and chemo and being off work I was finally getting to where I might start making enough money again to live on, and then I lose the roof over my head. And while I keep getting up every day and doing what I can, I really am not doing very well. I lie awake at night hugging cats and feeling like it’s all falling apart, that I’m slipping into the abyss and there is no way out anymore. It scares me. It bloody well scares the hell out of me.
casa azahar 
It’s depressing how long it’s taking to start making money on the social end of tapas. That happens with a lot of small businesses and niche markets. You already know that.
You also know it’s there, though. You have a unique talent and sooner or later you’re going to catch fire. Hopefully sooner.
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Losing your house??? Please fill me in on this, and any other stuff!
If you email me today, I should be able to get in touch today. I’m out of my place for 3 days starting tomorrow, as I’ll being “tented” for termites. I’ll have internet access but I won’t have Skype or my computer, I think.
Hang in there, and know that help and hope will come.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
Diane
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https://azahar.wordpress.com/2010/11/16/more-stress/
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Hey — you just knackered yourself doing those pages for Simon Seeks, and once you were done with that and all the cooking you had time to think about what an ass your landlord is and the appalling hurdle of finding a place and moving… I hear a crashing sound. The whole thing gathered inertia while you were having to ignore it to get work done.
You can network to find a place just like you network to get known for food and travel writing. Same energy, different trajectory. It’ll work.
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You have always had a knack for keeping me bucked up, az. You are wonderful, talented and things have been really rough. You HAVE to have faith.
Call me on Skype tomorrow. I will be home most of the day (took the day off…. as much a “mental health day” and an I don’t give a flying fuck day”). I have to go out in the am to chiro and run an errand but should be home by 2:00pm my time.
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(hugs)
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{{{hug}}}
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Hang in there az. You’ve been through a hell of a lot. Maybe the depression has struck because you’ve slowed down. I know that’s when it hits me. I’ve been dashing around moving house, settling in and now I feel miserable and lonely again. The busyness keeps it at bay, I think, and then, when things are quiet, there is space for fear to creep in again.
The only good thing about it is that sometimes a bad spell like this can send you in new directions – good directions. I am so sorry to hear about losing the flat but, honestly, a change of scene might be the start of something wonderful – new neighbours, new environment. Take care and keep talking to us. (())
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*hugs*
You know where to find me.
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I have nothing to say that hasn’t already been said – as usual for me – but if thinking of you makes any difference . . .
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Az…sometimes, half a world away, I feel so powerless when I read your words.
Busy does keep depression at bay – but nothing makes the quiet unbusy time at 2am easier.
I’m thinking about you – we’re both in the midst of new ventures. And I have to believe that both of us will succeed in them. And you know how reality-grounded I am, so that’s a step for me. 😉
Be well.
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Like bigbadjohnnyp, nothing to add but if knowing someone is thinking about you and wishing they could help is of any use to you, here it is.
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Hang on in there, I’m sure you’ll make it. *hug*
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You’re doing all the right things. Keep active. Go out, see people. Cuddle cats. Make nice food. Maintain your routine. Maintain house and personal hygiene (OK, that one is unlikely to slip for you, but it does happen). Maintain your other effort in networking. Keep working.
You will get your energy back and you will feel better.
But all things considered – this crash comes as a surprise to no one and everyone understands.
Also. Landlord is a barsteward.
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It’s pretty impossible to keep your spirits up when the stress is so relentless, and then to find yourself in limbo about your home… And when you can’t sleep well, it just makes you feel worse. Ugh.
I’m sure that things will be turning around again soon. I expect it will be a big relief to you when you get your housing squared away, and hopefully you’ll be able to sleep better. I’m a big advocate of sleep. (I’m just not good at getting enough of it myself.)
I’ll be thinking of you, dear az. Hugs.
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I think the scariest thing – even more than what’s going on – is when I crash. That terrifies me. Not just because things feel so bleak and hopeless but because I know that if I give up then everything is lost. I don’t have anyone here who can help take care of things – there isn’t anyone here who has my back.
That’s not to say all your support and company isn’t appreciated – you know it is. But as Gaelen says, there’s not much that helps in the wee hours, and of course lack of sleep never helps.
I think Sled nailed it when she mentioned how this crash happened after finally getting the SimonSeeks stuff done and being super busy, when everything suddenly stopped … especially as that job is now over. Or at least until they decide to start giving us monthly maintenance payments. I haven’t been idle and have come up with a great new social media plan that could turn into a few part time jobs. But all of a sudden I just couldn’t move or even care about anything.
Went to the gym today, finally showered and washed my hair, changed my bedsheets and that helped to feel normal again, not liked a trapped and frightened animal. And tomorrow I’m going to have to talk to the landlord. But I know what I want to say now, so that helps.
Thanks again, everyone. Been reading your comments all day and they really helped. And now time for bed…
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I find that Ativan helps for the anxiety. I know that some people don’t want to turn to medication but if it helps save your life… you gotta do it. Ativan is an as-needed medication rather than an anti-depressant which requires a few weeks to adjust to.
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Maybe this will help a tiny bit?
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Awww, that just makes me all broody. Of course they’re tiny and cute now… and then they turn into THE LOKILATOR!
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Is that a jingly mouse?
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The trouble with a kitten is that
It eventually becomes a cat.
That was Ogden Nash, not me; I don’t know why he would call it “trouble.” Must have been a dog person. But you do always get blindsided by this conversion from “cute and fluffy” to “I AM YOUR GOD.”
Patricia Twinkle, z’l (as observant Jews write when they mention the names of those passed on — a lovely practice) had a tiny pencil tail, and then one day she was sleeping in the hanging flower baskets. (Z’l = zichrono lebracha, “may his/her memory be a blessing.” I learned it from one of my clients.)
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{{{hugs}}} from me, too. And know that you’re often in my thoughts.
I find that repeating my mantra “This too will pass” helps me – especially in the lonely scary wee hours of the darkness – and reminding myself that not every day and not every night will be like that. Sleep, good food, exercise and a little sunlight does wonders for even the most intractable problem (such as your landlord), and you’re doing all the right things.
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My sister said a very smart thing. She said depression doesn’t come from weakness: it comes from being strong too long.
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