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This may sound silly but I am already missing my home so much, and I’m still here! I first noticed it a couple of weeks ago when the “tunas” were singing outside my house on the night of the Inmaculada, when traditionally they sing all night to the Virgin in the square down the road, and I thought “this is probably the last time I’m going to hear this!”, and I got ridiculously SAD. It was almost like last spring when I was listening to the procession of the Virgen de Los Dolores that stops right below my bedroom balconies every Tuesday night during Semana Santa. I remembered how the year before I’d been on chemo and wondered if I’d ever hear it again, so this year I got up and taped it.
But I don’t know what to about all the same feelings I’m getting now … all these “this is the last time” moments. It’s really getting to me.
I guess it’s because it wasn’t my decision to move, to leave this place that has been my home for over 16 years. And it hurts, like having something I love being torn away from me. It just feels so bloody unfair, like…
You’re probably way ahead of me on this one, but it took me awhile to realise that having my home snatched away from me was not unlike getting cancer and suddenly being told I maybe have a 50/50 chance of living another five years. Because I’m not ready to go, I don’t feel done with living yet. And this is just how having my home taken away from me feels like. It’s not my choice, I don’t want to go, and it hurts.
And so I find myself looking at things in my apartment now just like how I started looking at things in my life when they first told me about the cancer. It’s making almost every goddam day-to-day moment too poignant to bear. Kind of like a double whammy. Stupid f*cking landlord just thinks I can go out and get any other apartment, even though I’ve told him this is MY HOME. And this is my street. I am so used to all the sounds and the changes in the light and how the different seasons feel… this place *is* me. I identify with it, and I love it, stupid warts and all. And I don’t want to go. I don’t want to live anywhere else.
Which reminds me of when I said here just over two years ago, “I really, really don’t want to die. Not like this, not so soon …”
It’s all mixed up together, you know?
casa azahar 
So many people love you that wherever you come to rest will be a home because you will bring us all with you. And we’ll be horrible pests.
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This makes a lot of sense to me. It’s always bad to be made to leave a place before you are ready, but I can understand how this is particularly rough for you. I find myself really angry at your dipshit of a landlord.
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Leases of urban properties in Spain are regulated by the new Urban Leases Act of 1994 which has brought about several important changes to the old system under the 1964 act. The new act applies not only to commercial and domestic dwellings but also to holiday and seasonal lets. One of the important items governed by the act, and relating to long-term leases is the tenants rights to an early resolution of the contract with very low penalties and the benefits of the statutory automatic extension of the duration of the lease.
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I’m not quite sure what this means, but I’ll check into it. Thanks, Ian.
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When things are changing it’s like someone puts all the lights on in the baseball field and you just want to run away from the glare. You wiil always have memories of your apartment and now you’ll be making new ones in you new place….it will soon be “home”,
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I went through the stages of grief about moving, but now I am looking forward to wherever we end up. Be thankful that you can, at least, choose the city!
Think about the fantastic opportunity of a blank sheet. 😀
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Well, if I were moving into your Málaga apartment it wouldn’t feel so bad…
Where and when are you moving?
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This doesn’t sound silly at all, it’s perfectly understandable. Life (this time in the shape of your landlord) is once again throwing you a curveball and it’s natural it should remind you of the last curveball (I hope that doesn’t sound too trivial a term for what you’ve been through, it’s certainly not supposed to).
Leaving a much loved home is hard enough when the decision is yours. I cried when I took a last look around my first “own home” and I was moving into a much nicer house. To leave unwillingly must be so much more unbearable. But you do have to move. Even if your landlord backs down again, you never know what trick he’ll pull next and if you stayed I reckon it wouldn’t be long before you were worrying what was going to come next.
I don’t know how much good it does but I’m sending out positive vibes that the perfect apartment will turn up. With aircon and a fabby roof terrace!
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That is quite a blow. I understand the feeling of missing the flat before you even left {{{az}}}
Here’s hoping that you will swiftly find a new place which will feel like home again, with a nice neighbourhood and a more accomodating landlord.
Do like my cat: whenever she moves flat, she goes sniffing around for a little and very quickly dicovers all the best spots, and you can tell at once that these are Hers.
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Sad, but you have to look for a new home, a new life. Oddly enough I think of that place that you and Peter call home as Sevilla. The cathedral, shops, parks- they are just the touristy things, I remember a glass of wine and looking down on the cafe below, conversations with you both and smiles.
But I also remember the windows that don’t fit and the walk up. You’ll find a newer place with new views and new neighbours and shops, then your ‘old’ place will just be a very fond memory, like it is for me.
Cheers!
Craig
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To be honest, although I have that fab view of the Giralda tower and the other lovely street views, I don’t really spend that much time out on my balconies enjoying them these days – too much “cat protection” stuff on the balconies to comfortably stand on them anymore. But in nice weather it’s great having all those balcony doors flung open and seeing blue skies.
And of course the orange blossom! There aren’t that many residential streets in the centre that are lined with orange trees. And that has always been my favourite time of year, having my home filled with the delicate scent of “azahar”…
Anyhow, thanks for all your comments and understanding. Yes, it does mean a lot, and I do appreciate that you guys really care and that you “get it”. I am trying to look at it as a fresh start, but so far I’ve only seen one apartment that might have worked, and it was way too expensive. But it is really important that this feel like a step forward, which is why I have to stick to my guns about getting a/c and a lift … and a terrace would be the icing on the cake. Well, still two months to go.
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I’m sorry to hear you have to move. It does seem like one more thing to deal with, doesn’t it? Four years ago when I had to move, I looked at probably 10-12 places before I found my current home. But as soon as I walked in the door to check it out, I knew this was “it,” and I was glad I hadn’t settled for less. Funny thing, my landlady later said the same thing about me! She knew I was the one she wanted living here as soon as I walked in! Your next home is out there, just waiting for you …
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I think you are just in the throes of coming to terms with the inevitability of moving, but without yet having somewhere to move to you can’t envisage yourself anywhere else. As I said before, Christmas/New year is not the time to be looking & finding a new home, so try to relax & enjoy the next two weeks before redoubling your efforts & pulling out all the stops In your search for your new home!
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