Sunny in a sunbeam…

It’s been two months since my beautiful Sunny died. I am often haunted by those last awful hours that he lay dying in my arms, but more often I remember how much I love him and how wonderful it was having him in my life. Sometimes I have dreams in which I can see and touch him again, and I wake up with a terrible ache of longing. Just to hold my Sunny bunny one more time. Even now when I have to get up in the middle of the night I find myself being careful not to disturb him in his usual place at the foot of the bed, and then I realise he’s not there anymore.

Sometimes, like now, I cry because I miss him so much. Other times there is a happy/sad feeling, knowing how lucky I was to know him and love him. Because I know that I’m a better person for loving him (present tense – that love is still alive). A couple of days ago I mentioned that I have a very high pain threshhold, but it seems this only pertains to physical pain. I’ve always been crap at dealing with emotional pain, especially having to do with separation and loss, and the pain of losing a loved one really is beyond anything I could have imagined. It still takes my breath away sometimes. But that’s part of the deal.

• the sunshine of my life
• learning to love