Tag Archives: cancer

words to live by

19 Saturday Sep 2020

Posted by in coronavirus, friends

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Covid has turned out to be similar to my cancer experience in terms of friends deciding I am no longer “worth the effort”. And that’s okay. For me it’s been a bit  like clearing out your wardrobe and getting rid of things that no longer fit or suit you any more. And well, I say friends, but in reality these people were acquaintances, of which I have many (comes with the job).

At first it felt a bit odd, even hurtful, until I realised that when I am feeling lonely I am not actually lonely for them. And when I want to talk to someone, it’s never them. So in a sense I am Marie Kondo-ing my personal life and sticking with the people who spark joy. Closets could still do with some work though…

annie

08 Wednesday Apr 2020

Posted by in cancer, death & dying, friends

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You came into my life just by chance, and you stayed in my life because you chose to. You wanted to. And unlike with many people I’ve known, your friendship never waivered, not once, not even a little bit.  I smile remembering how you’d tell me “yeah, that’s because they’re assholes”. That meant absolutely everything to me.

Annie, I’ve been sitting by your bedside, so to speak, for these past weeks and riding that rollercoaster with Kenton, during your good days, and the times when it looked like it was all over and then you’d rally yet again. As Kenton put it, you’re as stubborn as a mule and as tough as old boots, and always the strong one while the rest of us are in bits.

And we were in bits many times, and then the next day you’d be up drinking a smoothie at the hospice and chatting away. Oh Annie. It’s been awhile since we were able to talk, but Kenton told me he mentioned me to you the other day and you smiled and said “of course I remember Shawn”. But other times you were barely conscious. And so while this really breaks my heart, of course you couldn’t have gone on like that. I imagine how annoyed you’d be.

I’ve never lost someone I love before, Annie. It’s taken heartbreak to a whole other level. As I said to Kenton, I guess it’s lucky I hardly love anyone so this isn’t likely to happen many more times during what is left of my life.

Silver linings.

My life will not be the same without you my beautiful, loving, smart, funny and fiercely loyal friend. But I know that I am a better person for having known you. And I will never stop loving and missing you. ❤

We love each other and try our best, everything else is meaningless

We hard arsed bitches have to stick together. Fuck everyone else. Love you, Shawn. X

~ Annie

 

lockdown day 12: all that cancer training paid off

25 Wednesday Mar 2020

Posted by in cancer, casa azahar, coronavirus, sevilla

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So okay, since lockdown on March 14th I’ve been out of the house twice, both times for supermarket runs and to take out the rubbish (with all the cooking I’ve been doing and the CAT SAND, I can’t leave it longer than that). But each time I’ve felt like I was dodging bullets. Even though my closest supermarket has been taking great care with protecting both its staff and customers I feel extra vulnerable due to, well MY AGE, and also as I’ve mentioned before, the autoimmune shit going on due to previous stage 4 cancer & chemo.

Meanwhile, of course I miss my old life. I miss my work, my friends, being able to make a living. And I really miss my 10,000 step walks along the river and through the city. And then I hear people saying they can’t live without getting outside for their daily run or a bit of fresh air. Well, you know what? Of course you fucking CAN. You just don’t want to.

Maybe it’s my previous experience with having had stage 4 cancer and being twice on chemo, and having 4 major abdominal operations that pretty much robbed me of a year and a half of my life… I learned that when someone tells me to stay home, I fucking stay home. I don’t think, “oh but I want my old life back” and defy the orders, not to mention the odds. Because when you have stage 4 cancer there is no guarantee that you will ever get your old life back again, or any life at all.

There was also the fact that I felt like death warmed over most of the time, so going out wasn’t really that appealing anyhow. But I did ALWAYS wish I could go out again. And then one day I could. In fact the one time I defied the rules and went out too soon after my final operation in 2011… blam! hernia! Nobody to blame but myself.

So while, yeah, I’m going a bit stir crazy and of course I’d love to be outside in the spring sunshine, all of that, I also find myself going into self-protective mode, hunkering down, waiting for this to pass. With the feeling of having been here before, I know what it’s like, and I know I can deal with it. Back then, with the whole cancer thing, I didn’t have hope per se, but I perservered. One day at a time, not knowing what the final outcome would be.

Well guess what? There really was no actual final outcome other than somehow I didn’t die, and somehow I am still here long after I was told I wouldn’t be. So about this coronavirus? Same deal. Except instead of it just happening to me it’s happening to all of us.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve already had the experience of having had my life put on hold, with little or no guarantee that things would get better. This time I’m doing it with all you guys. Stay healthy… and stay home! We can do this. xx

one down, two to go…

13 Thursday Feb 2020

Posted by in cancer, friends, health & happiness, hospitals

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So there I was, up at 6.00 am in order to prepare for the prep… which began at 6.30. Four fucking litres of this vile solution, downed in 250ml doses every 15 minutes over 4 hours. After the first hour is when the fun starts. I was amazed that I was actually able to down all 16 doses, but after awhile nothing mattered anymore, so what the fuck, what was one more disgusting oral and anal experience? After that I had to spend 4 hours not drinking even one drop of water. You’d think that by this point I’d have had enough liquid to last me, but as I’d also lost a lot of liquid I was actually quite thirsty, and I’m not used to going that long without water.

Anyhow… got a taxi over to the hospital with my friend Paz. These days I go to as many hospital visits on my own as possible, but this one required that I be accompanied because they administer a mild sedative. In this case it wasn’t that mild! A dolantin-valium cocktail totally knocked me out and I woke up again an hour later going – wut? By then it was all over and they were wheeling me into the recovery room. Seriously I don’t ever remember being knocked out so completely during any previous colonoscopy/endoscopy procedures. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation? Whatever, it was done and – YAY! – I was told that there were no signs of cancer and I was good to go.

And so I went, with Paz, for a long walk over to the Huerta de Rey Moro, a community garden where some of her family were having a birthday party for one of her many nephews. Grabbed a cold beer, hung out with the family for awhile and then decided – fuck I’m hungry! I mean, it had been over 36 hours since my last bite. So I wandered over to Eslava for a snack and also to just feel normal again. These hospital things really take it out of me, so I got back into my element, chatting with the barmen, doing a bit of Instagramming… and after that I was ready to go home. It was such a relief to open my door to three hungry cats, feed them, put on my PJs and get ready for a cosy evening at home. BUT THEN THIS HAPPENED… (stay tuned)…

ufff…

12 Wednesday Feb 2020

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, hospitals

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So for the second time in two weeks I am going through the hideous colonoscopy prep, which is usually something people only have to endure once every few years. My last colonoscopy was two years ago but recent findings (looking for leaks!) have led to me having another one sooner than usual. Unfortunately that barium xray a couple of weeks ago also required this same prep so here I am again. But with a difference.

Previous tests were either in the morning or at midday, so the “clear liquids only” day was the day before the procedure, starting the dread EVACUANTE the evening before, dividing the 16 doses (10 in the evening, 6 the next morning). This time my appointment is at 4 pm, so I  have to start the liquid diet after lunch today and then GET UP AT 7 AM AND TAKE ALL 16 DOSES before 11 o’clock. I dunno… have never managed to get more than 10 down in a row, and am always – literally – gagging on the last two. Six more (one every 15 minutes) means an extra hour and a half of this liquid hell. Uffff….

The “good” news is that (well, so my onc says) they aren’t checking for cancer this time, even though all my test reports since November (CT, ultrasound, endoscopy, barium xray) mention a suspicious area of inflammation and state that they cannot completely rule out neoplastic pathology. Whatevs. More news as it happens…