Fear is my worst enemy.

I mean that it is the one thing I cannot seem to cope with in a way that doesn’t make me hate myself, that makes me feel like I will never “grow up”. And I was reminded of this yesterday when I had to go to the hospital to get the chemo port flushed out. A once a month ordeal. And it really shouldn’t be an ORDEAL because if I go at the right time (around 7pm) there is a very short wait and the procedure itself only takes about five minutes. But there is so much attached to walking through those hospital doors, so many awful memories of FEAR. And I stupidly let it catch me by surprise because I’d been having such a great week. Lots of positive things were happening, got things resolved with the kitteh situation, and I’d even lost a couple of kilos! Then sometime just before lunch it was like someone turned on the fear tap and I was suddenly inundated with a horrible flood of emotions that seemingly came out of nowhere. Though of course they have been there all along …

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