Category Archives: hope

après oncology

01 Thursday Feb 2018

Posted by in cancer, friends, hope, hospitals, sevilla, sherry

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This morning I had an appointment with my new oncologist. After last week’s “good news bad news” situation following the PET scan I have to say I’ve been pretty stressed, with some days better than others. Say what you will, but after all my cancer history, the idea of a looming recurrence threat just became a lot more real to me. I try hard not to think about this too much, but sometimes it’s just too much.

Anyhow, today my lovely friend and colleague Cinta came with me to my appointment to act as “interpreter”, because when I get really nervous somehow my knowledge of Spanish totally flies out the window, and I wanted to be sure I didn’t miss anything important.

The good news is that both Cinta and I like the new oncologist. She was patient and had a gentle touch whilst poking around my belly. She was also patient as I tried to explain my situation in a more elaborate manner than she possibly required. Then she said that she was going to ask for both a colonoscopy and abdomen-thorax CAT scan, in order to find out what was causing the increase of inflammation seen in the PET scan, and also the extreme abdominal pain I’ve been having since November.

EXCEPT the weirdest thing has happened. After having had “travelling” abdominal pain for almost three months, sometimes so intense I couldn’t sleep and could barely walk… the day after the PET scan ALL THE PAIN DISAPPEARED. What?? I mean, seriously, it’s gone. Well okay, there are a few “tugs” here and there. But I no longer want to scream in agony when I roll over in bed or bend over to put on my shoes. The new onc is taking this as a positive sign, but the tests still need to be done. And I’m still scared.

Anyhow, after Cinta and I left the hospital and got a taxi back to the centre, it seemed like a good time to relax with a nicely chilled manzanilla, even though it wasn’t quite noon yet. Luckily this isn’t anything unusual in Sevilla.

good news, bad news…

25 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, hope, hospitals

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officially radioactive!

I’ve been having routine PET scans since I was first diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer (metastasis to liver) back in May 2008. At first they were every six months, but then once I became a member of the 5 Year Club they were reduced to once a year.  And every time I’ve been scared witless, fearing I’d hear the worst after my scan. I am very fortunate that my friend Isabel is the head of Nuclear Medicine at my hospital, so she always has a look at my scan while I’m there and gives me the results on the spot. She’ll call me into the PET area and say “all normal, nothing to worry about” and then send me on my way, not quite believing my good fortune.

But today after my scan Isabel called me into a private office and asked me to sit down.

And well, it’s kind of good news / bad news. The good news is that my liver is clean, no signs of anything nasty going on there. The bad (or potentially bad) news is that the “area of inflammation” that has been showing up on my PET scans since 2008 has increased dramatically. Over the years this area has been constantly shrinking, with each PET scan showing it a bit smaller and, as long as it kept shrinking, it was always considered a result of scar tissue. Today Isabel told me that it is back to the size it originally was back in 2008. And so now I will have to undergo more tests – CAT scan, ultrasound, colonoscopy – to (hopefully!) rule out cancer. In theory it could be an inflammatory infection, complications due to the adhesions, or any other number of non-cancer-related issues. Or it could be cancer. And so, Isabel has taken steps to get me an appointment with Oncology asap so they can start the extra testing.

I’m annoyed that they didn’t take me seriously at Emergency when I went there complaining about the abdominal pain back in November (exactly two months ago today). My GP also blew me off when I went to ask him about it afterwards, saying I just had gas and should take a pain killer. And even when I saw an oncologist at the beginning of January, she was totally dismissive about my complaints (you need to lose weight, I’m sure it’s just gas), and reluctantly booked my next PET scan.

The good thing is that now Isabel is setting the wheels in motion for me to get the appropriate extra testing done and, more importantly, to have me taken seriously by these other doctors. Meanwhile I am fluctuating between absolute terror and total denial. How’s your day going?

hope 2019

03 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, hope, life stuff

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Continuing the “tradition of hope” that began back in 2009 with my first ever Photohunt entry on January 3rd. The theme that week was “hope” and I put up a photo of my battered old daybook turned to January 3rd 2010 with the words “STILL HERE!” written on it. Having just finished a second stint of chemo a few months previously this felt like a very bold – and hopeful – thing to do.

Anyhow, since then I have posted a similar photo on this date each year. So, as always, here’s hoping that I will still be here January 3rd 2019, and will see this page in my book… and smile just like I did this morning.

so much going on…

04 Tuesday Jul 2017

Posted by in cats, health & happiness, home, hope, sevilla

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There’s so much going on that all I can do today is leave you with a photo of skinny-minny Morcilla, demanding more wet-combing. She’s become quite a fan.

I hope to have some good news to share soon, because things can’t keep going like this. The whole apartment fiasco is seriously affecting my health and well-being, it’s been so awful, so stressful. Let’s see if things get better soon.

tenía cáncer

23 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by in cancer, change, health & happiness, hope

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Five years ago I wrote a blog post about having seen this graffiti four years previously on a wall near the train station in Jerez. Something had moved me to take a photo of it. I think it was the heart under the sad message “I have cancer” that made it so poignant. Then a couple of days later I suddenly doubled over in pain and the rest, as they say, is history. Something I obviously hope will remain history.

I don’t know what made me think of this graffiti when I was back in Jerez for feria last week, but on the way back to the station I decided to have a look for it…. and there it was! Well, sort of. I thought that because I hadn’t noticed it again in over nine years that it had probably been painted over. And it turns out it had been, but not by another layer of graffiti as I had suspected. Someone just blanked it out with white paint.

I have to admit that at first this kind of gave me the shivers, especially as you can still see a ghost of the message showing through. I’ve often wondered if the person who created the original had actually had cancer, or if someone they loved did, or… well, there are many possible scenarios. Likewise now I am wondering why the graffiti was painted over. Did the artist (or their loved one) die? Or did they get better and this was a way of wiping out this spectre of their past? Or was it simply that the bar next door just didn’t like it being there?

Anyhow, I much prefer this modified version I made of it four years ago. It was a bold statement then as I still hadn’t reached “five year club” status. Though I think that no matter how many years go by there is always a “for now” lurking there when I think “I don’t have cancer”, because really, how do I know? Only the next PET scan can say for sure. Perhaps better to just think “I had cancer” (tenía cáncer) and keep hoping for the best while continuing to carpe that diem.

lee buckley

22 Saturday Apr 2017

Posted by in cancer, friends, hope, life stuff, love

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For ages this was the only image I ever had of Lee, from her Facebook page… and I came to think of her as this sassy Raggedy Ann chica. Then at long last I had the chance to meet her in person when I was in Madrid last January. She was still quite weak from cancer treatment, but was up for going out to have lunch, and we spent a lovely afternoon together.

Lee said she thought of me as her “cancer sister” because reading about my various struggles with cancer on my blog helped her when she was diagnosed. We could compare notes, as it were, and although our situations were very different, Lee felt like I would at least “get” what she was talking about. And yes, I think I did. I also got to enjoy chat sessions with a bright and funny woman, who loved cats as much as I do. I was also thrilled to meet her beautiful boy Tony during that last visit.

Anyhow, this morning I was out at that gastronomy event by the river and was randomly going through messages while enjoying a beer in the sun. Then I saw a message request on FB from someone I didn’t know. I clicked on it, and it was Lee’s dear friend Chris, telling me as delicately as possible that Lee had passed away a few days ago. And since then I haven’t known what to feel. Because the feelings are all so mixed up, the happy and sad ones, the scary and hopeful ones. And the worst one of all, the one I can’t yet accept – that I won’t ever be able to talk to Lee again. So for now, that’s all I can say. Except… be sure to hug someone you love today, and let them know how much they mean to you, how much you love them.  xx

Lee and I enjoying a fabulous lunch at Tandem in Madrid

hope 2018

03 Tuesday Jan 2017

Posted by in cancer, friends, hope, life stuff

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hope-2018

My first Photohunt entry was on January 3rd 2009 . The theme that week was “hope” and I put up a photo of my battered old daybook turned to January 3rd 2010 with the words “STILL HERE!” written on it. After having just finished a second stint on chemo a few months previously this felt like a very bold thing to do.

Since then I have continued this “tradition of hope” and have posted a similar photo on this date each year. So, as always, here’s hoping that I will still be here next year on this date, and will see this page… and smile just like I did this morning.

sunday song – pat in sevilla

17 Sunday Jul 2016

Posted by in cancer, friends, hope, sevilla, tapas, tapas bars, tapas tours, video

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Not exactly a song this Sunday, though we do have music in this video thanks to my fabulous friend Juan Tarquini (who put the whole thing together for me). Four years ago today my dear friend Pat Steer died. I met her on a cancer forum back in 2008 after we’d both been diagnosed with stage 4 variations of colon/rectal/liver, etc. And she became not just a friend but my sister and my hero, the no-nonsense voice of reason, the one I knew would never bullshit me, the one who loved me too.

Just before Pat died she expressed sadness in her final blog post about (amongst other things) not having ever been able to come on one of my tapas tours, so I obliged by going all around town to some of my favourite places and (badly) filming a typical tapeo with her included.

Juan did his best with the mess of clips I left with him, and Pat said it took her at least four times to get through it, because she kept breaking down in tears. But finally she watched it all and loved it. And I still love her and always will. Four years ago today I lost her, and I still miss her so very much. Strong thoughts, my darling. xx