At the moment I am looking for signs of happiness anywhere I can find them. And when I went upstairs today to water the terraza plants it struck me just how much Pat’s tree has grown in the past two months. Just check out the difference! My little naranjo is getting quite lush.
For a crazy moment yesterday I considered burying Azar under the orange tree but then realised that store-bought soil with nothing living in it to help with decomposition would end up quite icky. I guess I just liked the idea of him fertilising our tree.
I have been trying to forgive myself for all the things I should have done, and even more for the things I shouldn’t have done (why did I go out the night he ended up dying??) and have come to a conclusion. I’m human. And in spite of the mistakes I made, I also gave Azar a fabulous life and all the nasty stuff at the end doesn’t negate any of that. Because in the end, death is never pretty.
Now if I can actually believe that, and stop beating myself up, then I can get on with remembering all the wonderful years, and the total wonderfulness that was a little black street cat called Azar. I’m keeping as busy as I can right now, because every time I look around and see that he isn’t here – where he should be – I start to cry.
The love of my life…
[ps… I’m not expecting any of you to tell me all over again how I was there for Azar – you’ve already done that. It’s just that now I have to believe it myself and so I’m just talking about how I feel and hoping that I can start moving forward without feeling sad and guilty about all the things I could’ve/should’ve done]
casa azahar 
We were very sorry to hear the news. I had been hoping we would get a chance to say goodbye (obviously from a respectful distance) in October, as we had done with Lua and Sunny.
But you certainly shouldn’t be blaming yourself for anthing. Azar was forced to live a life of unparalleled luxury for 17 years, and be centre of attention for all visitors. We should all be so lucky.
Anyway, here’s Albert, Johnny and Young Bob singing about Black Cats, because it’s that kind of day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiYLIMwOVlU
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The tree does indeed look fab.
And you were a fab ‘mom’. I’m glad you realise that in amongst all the shoulda/woulda/couldas.
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(hugs)
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Just keep talking; it is what you need right now. We are listening. Seventeen years is a long time and yet it can only seem short right now.
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That’ll teach me, should have read this before posting on the other thread. It will improve – you have plenty of good memories from 17 years to set against the recent regrets etc.
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The orange tree is indeed looking lush. So pretty.
It’s awful the way we can be our own worst critics, isn’t it? I’m glad that you have been recognizing it when you’ve been unfairly hard on yourself. The care you gave Azar was really quite amazing. Much love to you, my friend.
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*hug*
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