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Tag Archives: death

annie

08 Wednesday Apr 2020

Posted by azahar in cancer, death & dying, friends

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

cancer, death, friends, life, love


You came into my life just by chance, and you stayed in my life because you chose to. You wanted to. And unlike with many people I’ve known, your friendship never waivered, not once, not even a little bit.  I smile remembering how you’d tell me “yeah, that’s because they’re assholes”. That meant absolutely everything to me.

Annie, I’ve been sitting by your bedside, so to speak, for these past weeks and riding that rollercoaster with Kenton, during your good days, and the times when it looked like it was all over and then you’d rally yet again. As Kenton put it, you’re as stubborn as a mule and as tough as old boots, and always the strong one while the rest of us are in bits.

And we were in bits many times, and then the next day you’d be up drinking a smoothie at the hospice and chatting away. Oh Annie. It’s been awhile since we were able to talk, but Kenton told me he mentioned me to you the other day and you smiled and said “of course I remember Shawn”. But other times you were barely conscious. And so while this really breaks my heart, of course you couldn’t have gone on like that. I imagine how annoyed you’d be.

I’ve never lost someone I love before, Annie. It’s taken heartbreak to a whole other level. As I said to Kenton, I guess it’s lucky I hardly love anyone so this isn’t likely to happen many more times during what is left of my life.

Silver linings.

My life will not be the same without you my beautiful, loving, smart, funny and fiercely loyal friend. But I know that I am a better person for having known you. And I will never stop loving and missing you. ❤

We love each other and try our best, everything else is meaningless

We hard arsed bitches have to stick together. Fuck everyone else. Love you, Shawn. X

~ Annie

 

lee buckley

22 Saturday Apr 2017

Posted by azahar in cancer, friends, hope, life stuff, love

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

cancer, death, friends, hope, life, love

For ages this was the only image I ever had of Lee, from her Facebook page… and I came to think of her as this sassy Raggedy Ann chica. Then at long last I had the chance to meet her in person when I was in Madrid last January. She was still quite weak from cancer treatment, but was up for going out to have lunch, and we spent a lovely afternoon together.

Lee said she thought of me as her “cancer sister” because reading about my various struggles with cancer on my blog helped her when she was diagnosed. We could compare notes, as it were, and although our situations were very different, Lee felt like I would at least “get” what she was talking about. And yes, I think I did. I also got to enjoy chat sessions with a bright and funny woman, who loved cats as much as I do. I was also thrilled to meet her beautiful boy Tony during that last visit.

Anyhow, this morning I was out at that gastronomy event by the river and was randomly going through messages while enjoying a beer in the sun. Then I saw a message request on FB from someone I didn’t know. I clicked on it, and it was Lee’s dear friend Chris, telling me as delicately as possible that Lee had passed away a few days ago. And since then I haven’t known what to feel. Because the feelings are all so mixed up, the happy and sad ones, the scary and hopeful ones. And the worst one of all, the one I can’t yet accept – that I won’t ever be able to talk to Lee again. So for now, that’s all I can say. Except… be sure to hug someone you love today, and let them know how much they mean to you, how much you love them.  xx

Lee and I enjoying a fabulous lunch at Tandem in Madrid

changes

11 Monday Jan 2016

Posted by azahar in change, life stuff, music, video

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

changes, david bowie, death, life, music


I woke up with my head full of all the changes I had planned, feeling optimistic, feeling a bit nervous too. But I love Mondays. They always feels like a fresh slate, a brand new week to get started on new projects and plans. Then I reached for my iPhone to snuggle back under the duvet for awhile with Morcilla, and began scrolling through Instagram pics… and I read the news. It floored me, it made me catch my breath, it made me so so sad. Just 69, fucking cancer. An amazing life ended. I don’t know why it felt so personal, though I know thousands of people felt the same. Anyhow, I also felt somehow moved to make sure those changes I’ve been planning happen. Because, dammit, life’s too short.

miss you, antonio

12 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by azahar in death & dying, friends

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

antonio cid, death, friends

miss you antonio
I was walking home late after a tapas tour and passed by the bar where my friend Antonio used to work part time, to help support his “photography habit“. And suddenly I stopped and stared into the window for I don’t know how long, still not believing that I would never see Antonio again. That I’d never be able to go into that bar again and complain to him about the crap wine. That in fact I’d never be able to go into that bar again at all. It hurts.

think of nothing

10 Saturday Nov 2012

Posted by azahar in death & dying, video

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

allan watts, death, video


Interesting, but not at all comforting…

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