I’m so fucking disappointed. Have been holding out on the statins until I could see the endocrinologist (appointment was on Friday) because I thought surely at least some of these things can be controlled by diet, and I am uneasy about taking statins. So I was hoping to get some guidance in that area as well as get her opinion on some other issues going on (with my pancreas, recurring abdominal pain, etc).

But no. First of all I was the only one wearing a mask in the health centre, including the doctors. I will still never understand this. But I arrived prepared with a printed sheet of my various health “incidents” and the treatments, as well as more recent issues, hoping at least she might be able to explain the whole “pancreas mystery” that’s been going on forever. Did she listen? Did she fuck.

No eye contact. She had an assistant there (junior doctor approx 14 years old) taking notes etc while she kept her eyes glued to her computer screen and typing away, seemingly eager to get the report finished at the same time she stopped talking to me. I tried to tell her about the cancer, the ops, the recurring abdominal pain, the post chemo weight gain, but was cut short with “TELL ME WHAT YOU ATE YESTERDAY”.

So I gave her a rundown of my breakfast, lunch and dinner and that was basically it. At first she said that according to my latest blood test I didn’t need cholesterol meds, but when I told her my GP had already prescribed them but I was hoping avoid this by diet changes she said… no, take them. And then she prescribed MORE MEDS. This time Metformin Hydrochloride, which is supposed to control glucose (but again, not without some rather undesirable side effects, I checked). Also, I think, something that could be controlled with diet tweaks.

I was then told that this department didn’t help with diets, for that I’d have to go back to my GP. Apparently what they do there is recommend bariatric surgery (wtf??) but the endo doctor told me I was too old for that. I mean, she hadn’t listened at all. My problem isn’t overeating. I can barely finish a sandwich or a couple of tapas without feeling like I’ve just had Christmas dinner and am in need of a lie down (though a short walk usually does the trick). Though of course I’m aware that I need to make some changes in what I eat (and drink).

But bariatric surgery?? I’m already obstructed, somewhere around my stomach/pancreas, by something mysterious that can’t be properly explained to me (without opening me up again) because all the scar adhesions (after 4 major abdominal ops) block scan access – both PET and CT. At least this was how it was explained to me once by one of my many fly-by oncs.

My GP hadn’t even mentioned bariatric surgery. She just said I should talk to this “nutritionist” because I was morbidly obese and they had a programme. And when I looked this person up I saw she was also an endocrinologist, and that is what gave me hope. But looking at the printout she gave me of the medical report of my visit it says I have been obese since I was 35… she hadn’t listened at all about the weight gain mostly happening after chemo when I was 50. Fuck, at 35 I was thin and young and, if I say so myself, quite pretty and fit. In fact, I was pretty much normal weight from mid-20s to late 40s (with a period of being seriously underweight late teens). WHICH I TOLD THE DOCTOR.

Anyhow I sat there at first hopeful, then totally flabbergasted, and finally dejected and disappointed. And although masked, and even though my doctor refused to look me directly in the eye, I am pretty sure she caught the total disdain in my eyes. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

So now what? Well it looks like I’m on my own. I had been looking for some sound medical knowledge and guidance about my situation, instead I got… here take more pills, stop eating so much, blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, I totally realise that changes are needed, but they need to be the right changes. If there is anything positive to take away from this it’s an urge to prove these fuckers wrong when I show up at my next GP appointment in October with lowered cholesterol and glucose and a few kilos lighter, without having taken their “easy way out” meds. Fuck them.