This is the awning over the lovely light-filled patio I share with my downstairs neighbour. Usually I leave it up to her whether to close it or not, since I would always leave it open (love the light) but I also understand that during the hot summer months it’s better to pull the awning closed at midday. So I was doing just that (while my neighbour was away on holiday in August) when I noticed that the cords on the pulleys were starting to unravel. And so of course I have turned it into a METAPHOR OF MY LIFE. 😉
Don’t get me wrong (and please don’t start worrying)… because this is kind of how I always feel anyhow. The pandemic has just, in a way, given me a REASON to feel this way. It’s like now I have an excuse!
Except of course it’s neither that easy nor simple (or funny!) since I now have extra things to actually worry about, like how I am going to make a living, pay my rent, etc and generally support myself. To be honest? I see no way out. To be equally honest? That’s never stopped me before.
If you’re anything like me you’ve also been riding the ol’ hope-and-dread roller coaster since March. I think all things considered I’m doing okay (you don’t have to agree). I still get up up every morning, for starters. But this week has been weird. It’s not like I’ve given up or anything, but I just can’t make myself go out. And I LOVE going out. For my river walks, to stop in at bars for a beer and say hello to my friends there, to do a little shopping. I love all that shit. But now it’s Thursday and I haven’t been outside since Monday afternoon. Weird.
So it feels a bit like I’m unravelling. The core things that have been keeping me going are still there, but the protective covering, like on that awning cord, has been breaking down. It leaves me feeling particularly vulnerable. And afraid. But tomorrow I am definitely shoving myself out the front door no matter what. It’s a plan. But I am also totally fine with having taken a few “days off” (whatever that means any more).
Years ago when I was writing all about my cancer stuff here I got so many responses from other people with cancer who said I helped put into words how they were feeling. That kind of blew me away, because I really don’t know why anyone follows this silly day-to-day blog. ANYHOW… that’s why I’m talking about the ups and downs re: fucking covid. I’m not asking anyone for help, or to make me feel better, I’m just saying how I feel, talking about what I’m going through. And so if there’s even one other person who takes solace in not feeling alone by reading this, then okay. It was worth it.
PS There is ALWAYS tomorrow