Checking in this afternoon around 6 pm.

Unlike the last time I won’t be bringing all my stuff at once. I had shown up with everything I’d packed for the week (mobile phone, iPod, camera, laptop, DVDs, books, travel scrabble game, notebook, pens, toiletries, bottled water, dressing gown, slippers…) only to be told that, depending on how long I spent in the ICU, I might be moved to another room afterwards. So Nog had to drag everything with him to the waiting room. As it turned out, they didn’t complete the operation and I didn’t spend any time in the ICU, but I’m hoping for better results this time. And so today I think I’ll just bring a book and travel scrabble. Nog can bring the other stuff on Tuesday, once I’m settled into a definite room for the week.

If anything I’m even more scared than last time. I’ve tried to be reasonable and logical about it, but I’m just terrified about leaving my home today and never coming back. I was lying in bed this morning with Azar in my arms and tears streaming down my cheeks, thinking it might be our last cuddle together. He always comes for a cuddle just before I go to sleep and after I wake up. No matter how I try to distract myself, my mind keeps going to dark places. It’s pretty awful.

I think it’s going to be a long day …