Something MAJOR happened to me last June 28th when I was told my latest PET scan came back clear – I stopped feeling so goddamn scared, worried and upset all the time. It just stopped. And I decided that no matter what happened when I had the next PET in January, I was going to take a “cancer holiday” and not only truly enjoy my first summer in three years not being on chemo, but also work on getting ahead with my life and not fret about “what ifs”. Because it’s often felt like a very long and lonely limbo since May 2008. And I think that in general most people got that, even if they couldn’t really know how it felt, and I think they cut me some slack if I was ever a bit over-emotional or said something stupid … I do think most of my friends knew it was the Fear talking. But some didn’t, or chose not to see the scary place I was in, and that the source of any emotional or verbal outbursts stemmed from … well, basically the daily stress of having stage IV cancer and all that entails. Those people are no longer in my life, and I do not miss them, though sometimes the cruelty of their refusal to cut me any slack makes me wonder what the hell that is all about…
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