• about azahar (that’s me!)
  • my cancer story
  • azahar’s kitchen
  • azahar’s sevilla
  • sevilla tapas
  • personal trip planning

casa azahar

~ my life in sevilla

casa azahar

Tag Archives: home

home hunting sucks…

12 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by azahar in change, home, hope, sevilla

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

apartment hunting, home, postaday2011

I know at least one person who loves apartment hunting, and I suppose if I could afford to pay more and didn’t have a deadline then I might feel less stressed about this. I think I’ve seen over a dozen places now and not one of them felt like it could be home, and I’m getting worried as time runs out that I’ll end up in somewhere I don’t like at all.

This is also hugely time consuming and entire half-days are lost going off to see places when I should hunting for clients.

I guess if I were just looking for another apartment, and not a home, then it would be easier. But I really don’t want to live just anywhere and I sure don’t want to end up in some place with a red kitchen or purple bathroom… there sure are a lot of ugly places out there, at least in my price range.

already missing…

20 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by azahar in cancer, change, death & dying, home, life stuff

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

home

This may sound silly but I am already missing my home so much, and I’m still here! I first noticed it a couple of weeks ago when the “tunas” were singing outside my house on the night of the Inmaculada, when traditionally they sing all night to the Virgin in the square down the road, and I thought “this is probably the last time I’m going to hear this!”, and I got ridiculously SAD. It was almost like last spring when I was listening to the procession of the Virgen de Los Dolores that stops right below my bedroom balconies every Tuesday night during Semana Santa. I remembered how the year before I’d been on chemo and wondered if I’d ever hear it again, so this year I got up and taped it.

But I don’t know what to about all the same feelings I’m getting now … all these “this is the last time” moments. It’s really getting to me.

I guess it’s because it wasn’t my decision to move, to leave this place that has been my home for over 16 years. And it hurts, like having something I love being torn away from me. It just feels so bloody unfair, like…

You’re probably way ahead of me on this one, but it took me awhile to realise that having my home snatched away from me was not unlike getting cancer and suddenly being told I maybe have a 50/50 chance of living another five years. Because I’m not ready to go, I don’t feel done with living yet. And this is just how having my home taken away from me feels like. It’s not my choice, I don’t want to go, and it hurts.

And so I find myself looking at things in my apartment now just like how I started looking at things in my life when they first told me about the cancer. It’s making almost every goddam day-to-day moment too poignant to bear. Kind of like a double whammy. Stupid f*cking landlord just thinks I can go out and get any other apartment, even though I’ve told him this is MY HOME. And this is my street. I am so used to all the sounds and the changes in the light and how the different seasons feel… this place *is* me. I identify with it, and I love it, stupid warts and all. And I don’t want to go. I don’t want to live anywhere else.

Which reminds me of when I said here just over two years ago, “I really, really don’t want to die. Not like this, not so soon …”

It’s all mixed up together, you know?

should I stay or should I go?

03 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by azahar in change, home

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

home, moving


The landlord has said he’ll write me a new contract with the “phantom 30€” added, and then we can take it from there. Which in some ways isn’t a bad offer because a new contract means he wouldn’t be able to throw me out again for five years, and even at 30€ more a month it’s still a reasonable amount for the area. Well, except that I don’t have air-con or a lift. And I have crazy landlords living downstairs. The real issue is that I don’t think he’ll agree to stop charging me for extra things whenever he feels like it, and if anything ever breaks down here I doubt he’ll fix it, and anyhow, now that I’ve seen Pepe’s dark side I know I can’t trust him. Except I love my house. And moving would be so upsetting and also expensive. I wish I knew what to do…

little birds

24 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by azahar in change, home, sevilla

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

apartments, home, seville

So I might be moving to Pajaritos street. Pajaritos is Spanish for little birds. I kind of like the sound of that. The apartment isn’t ideal. It’s smaller for the same price and doesn’t have balconies or airconditioning. But it does have a lift and a nice rooftop terrace. And I’d be living next to my long time friend, student – and also my GP – Agustín.

Am negotiating with the landlords at the moment – a couple I’ve known for years. Should know by the end of the week.

Walked around my almost maybe new terraza this evening after my class with Agustín. It felt right, like it could be home.

 

not a kitten anymore…

13 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by azahar in animals & pets, cats, change, home

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

cats, home

Azar at five months old.

I suppose it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that at the ripe old age of 15 1/2 Azar is no longer a kitten, but it’s actually something that I’ve only just accepted this past week when he came down with a bad case of the sniffles. No doubt this is another bout of herpes as Loki’s eyes have also been quite watery of late (though that is his only symptom), but the real worry is that Azar might have an upper respiratory infection. So I started him on antibiotics this week and he should be feeling better soon. He has already stopped sneezing so much, which is a good sign – I hope! And so, it came to pass that earlier this week I looked into Azar’s eyes and saw an old cat looking back at me…
Continue reading →

← Older posts
Newer posts →

patreon (1)

OR

comments

Unknown's avatararacena getaway day… on reyes & javi
Unknown's avatararacena getaway day… on aracena getaway day 1
Unknown's avatarthe terminator tooth… on broken tooth sequel
Unknown's avatarthe terminator tooth… on eep! broken tooth!
Unknown's avatararacena getaway day… on postcard from aracena
Unknown's avatararacena getaway day… on birthday trip
Unknown's avatararacena getaway day… on finca buenvino
Unknown's avatarsunday song –… on aracena getaway!
Unknown's avatararacena getaway! | c… on birthday trip
Unknown's avatarcaturday april 11th… on morcilla is 13!

meta

  • Create account
  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.com

visitations

  • 981,547 peeks

categories

archives

Enter your email address to subscribe to casa az and get email notices of new posts.

Join 2,279 other subscribers

azahar on Instagram

No Instagram images were found.

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Subscribe Subscribed
    • casa azahar
    • Join 2,012 other subscribers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • casa azahar
    • Subscribe Subscribed
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar

Loading Comments...