I have no idea what to think or how to feel.

Went to see the oncologist with Pablo yesterday and really had no idea what to expect. Though I assumed (because I’d been told this by the surgeons after the last op) that I would be put on “clean up” chemo again, probably for 5-6 months.  Wrong!

The first thing the oncologist said to me was that she had GOOD NEWS! Given that this is the same woman who told me last October that I only had a year to live before she’d even seen my biopsy results, I was understandably wary. And so, she started off by telling me that all the biopsy results from the November operation had come back negative (which of course I already knew) and then said that no further chemo would be necessary. To which I replied … WTF???  As you can imagine, quite a long discussion ensued after that bomb was dropped. But seriously … WTF???

In short, this woman told me that I could have chemo again for a couple of months “if I really wanted to” (I kid you not, that’s what she said)  or I could get a second opinion. So basically, second and third opinions shall be forthcoming later on today. I have a follow-up appointment with my surgical group this morning and afterwards Ricardo (of The Team) will be waiting to have a talk with me. I’ll also be getting a blood test done today and a CT scan is scheduled for January 29th.

Trust me, I want all this to be true. I want to be officially NED (No Evidence of Disease) and I really really don’t want to have to go through chemo again. You can’t imagine how much I am aching to have my life back. But I also want to feel confident that my doctor is making the best decision for both my present and future, and I just do not have any confidence in this woman, nor in any of the doctors in my oncology group.

Anyhow, I wasn’t going to post anything here until I saw the surgeons and talked to Ricardo, but I just had to vent a little.

I mean, did this woman think I was just going to smile and say “oh what wonderful news!” and walk away with no further questions or treatment?  Don’t get me wrong … of course I am very happy that the biopsies all came back negative, but I’ve known about that now for a few weeks. What I want and need to know now is that I am going to get appropriate treatment and not just have my doctor babble on about how she’s never seen a case like mine in her life as well as get all defensive about the time she told me I was going to die (she actually tried to blame that on the surgeons – *spit*).

Whatever happens, I know that I’m going to be tested every three months for the next five years, and I also know that at any time the cancer might reappear. But dammit, if going through “clean-up” chemo now would help reduce the risk of recurrence, then I’ll do it no matter how awful it is.  And yes, I understand that even doing that might not prevent further metastasis. But what I  really don’t want  to have to deal with is bad advice right now.  I have to make a really tough decision in the next few days and I damn well want – NEED – to feel like I’m working with the best information possible.

Okay, rant over.  Stay tuned for further developments…
(and thanks for listening!)

prognosis & treatment (2)
prognosis & treatment (1)