Yesterday I read this article called Can You Handle 24 Hours of Solitude? … and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to do this. In fact, it’s taken some time to get used to being alone on holiday here in Zahara. I know some of you think this is like a dream come true, but I came here not just to spend some time at the beach and take care of Mini – it was also a personal challenge. I really wasn’t sure how I’d feel being on my own for a whole ten days. And now it’s day four …
Well, the first day or so I was mostly settling in and getting things organised in a comfortable way. It was really great when I finally got the music set up, hooking my iPod up to Agustín’s speakers. Before that it was just too quiet. And I’ve been going out every day. Usually a walk along the beach and bathing my feet in the sea. My feet have really been bothering me, and have been getting worse. I think I’m getting a common delayed side effect to the chemo, which is neuropathy in the hands and feet. Both (well, all four) have been feeling painfully numb the past while and now the skin is starting to peel off the soles of my feet … ouch! And the balls of my feet feel like dead blocks of wood. Well, if dead blocks of wood could feel pain. But I’m making myself walk no matter what. And I have to keep flexing my fingers to keep them from seizing up – they mostly feel worse when I first wake up.
That’s kind of the scariest bit about being here alone – being two hours away from the nearest city hospital. As some of you may recall, I had my port flushed out a couple of days before leaving for Zahara. Well, I not only threw my back out that day (and again yesterday!) but since then I’ve had some pain in the port area and also some shortness of breath, though I guess that’s been happening for awhile now. The point is – what if something went very wrong and I’m here alone and there’s no hospital close by? It seems I haven’t got over thinking of myself as a sick person.
So I am trying not to feel like a sick person, or worry about dying and all that. But it turns out that a lot of the stuff people do on holiday is kind of what I’ve been doing all this past year or so whilst recuperating from operations or going through chemo. Sitting around, reading, being on the internet, going for walks … not having any real direction or purpose. Okay, I’m doing it in different and quite lovely surroundings, but having the hand & feet thing and also my back in such pain it almost feels like the same old thing. Like I’ll never feel well again. Like maybe this is going to be my last summer … I just get so scared sometimes, you know?
And I think that’s why I was concerned about going away on my own. I think I was afraid about being alone with my own thoughts and where they might take me without the usual day-to-day distractions or, like in Málaga, someone to hang out with and do stuff with. But I was also curious about what would happen without those distractions. And so here I am.
Don’t get me wrong. I am totally loving the apartment, that fabulous terrace and the views, walking down to the beach in the mornings, figuring out where to have lunch, taking ridiculously long naps, reading, watching DVDs, chatting with people online … all of that is really terrific. But I can’t seem to stop feeling afraid. I know it’s not just about the cancer, because I reckon I’ve woken up feeling afraid almost every morning of my life. It’s just that I normally have my usual routines and distractions – and cats! – to focus on. When I only have ME to focus on it all starts feeling a bit much. Especially with all the cancer stuff and these new chemo side effects, and my back giving out on me just before I came away … I guess I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed about taking my life back again. I’ve never fought so hard in my whole life as I have this past year and I worry that it’s taken all my strength away and I won’t be able to get back on my feet again. And most people don’t understand that finishing chemo doesn’t mean you are suddenly fine. It takes ages to get all that shit out of your system. And then every three months it’ll be waiting to hear if I’m still healthy or if the cancer has come back again. It’s not over, you know? I still have a lot of work to do on my “new normal” and learning how to live with that.
Anyhow, I’m sure rambling on here. But I do think it’s all good. That I came away on my own and am going through all these feelings. And knowing all you guys are out there and getting the emails and staying in touch … well, it’s helping a lot. It’s just that sometimes I really do wish you were HERE.
*hugs*
casa azahar 
Personally, I think I would do very well on my own for 24 or 48 hours. I have spent time on my own a number of times, without the distractions of TV and internet. I am okay as long as I have my camera and some good reading material. I don’t even need music.
I have also been alone and been very afraid when I was left at a campsite “for an hour” which turned into 12 hours when the person didn’t come back. The “campsite” was the vacant property where one day there was supposed to be a cottage, about a mile from the nearest cottage, in mid-September. I was lucky finally to find a cottage where someone was, get a lift into the nearest town to phone my boyfriend’s parents to find out if he had called and where he might be. (No cellphones, in those days)
After getting a negative answer and being brought back to the campsite, and spending a very uncomfortable night without a fire to keep me warm because he had left me with no dry kindling and taken the food and water with him, I woke when his parents showed up to tell me that he had gotten drunk and crashed his car. He was lucky he didn’t his someone and lucky he wasn’t injured. He was drinking and eating pizza in the car (which led the police and emergency services to jump to the conclusion when they walked up on the car that he was terribly injured… it was pizza sauce all over his head and arms).
However, planning to be alone and preparing for it is another matter. It can be a wonderful chance to be able to really think about things (or not think about things for a change) being away from the usual distractions and responsibilities. I have been wanting to spend a week at a retreat sometime… There are Catholic retreats where you can visit. You don’t have to participate in any prayers or services, just be alone and meditate. Now, there are ashrams where you can go, as well. My friend and her daughter spent this last weekend at one in Quebec. She said they had planned to participate in meditation and other activities. Instead, they spent their time rejuvenating their relationship.
She said they came back with a whole different outlook.
Some people spend a lot of time preparing and planning and scheduling their “retreat” to the point where if something doesn’t work out or they find themselves unable to keep to their plan they get frustrated and angry. My philosophy is that if you go with the flow and do what you feel like doing instead of what you thought you were supposed to do, you are probably going to get more out of the experience than you would if you fought the process.
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On another topic related to a previous post, I thought this might interest you:
http://www.leftoverqueen.com/2009/08/17/the-guardian-says-healthy-food-obsession-sparks-rise-in-new-eating-disorder
Funny how things pop up, eh?
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Most years, I go off camping by myself for several days. I go to places that are a long drive away and fairly remote, and I chase trout and play squeezebox and read and do whatever I feel like doing. From time to time, I like the solitude. Usually after a few days though, I’m ready to go home.
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I am so introverted it’s off the scale. I like the idea of having the whole world at bay.
I know I get lonely eventually, but it takes me a lot longer than most people. As long as there are cats around, it all works. I used to read with fascination the kind of science fiction stories where some explorer is alone on a Marie Celeste sort of planet.
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I’m like sledpress, I’m not a naturally sociable person. I can and have been alone for a week or so at a time and I’m completely fine without company as long as I have good books to read and some outdoor space.
However, I wasn’t recovering from chemo and a bad back at the times I’ve had my alone time, and I’m sure that would put a whole different slant on things – I’d be feeling much more vulnerable and lonely rather than just alone.
You’re not alone though, you have all of us hovering in the ether right beside you 🙂
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Oh, it just occurred to me that one of the things I find necessary when I’m alone and bookless is a task: as long as I have, say, gardening that needs doing, or even cleaning, I’m fine. Its just when I’m supposed to be relaxing and ‘doing nothing’ that I start to go loopy. Do you have a project or a task there?
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Yeah, I have tons of photos to sort through, from both Málaga and here. In fact, all my computer photo files could use some serious reorganising. There is also a lot of work that needs doing on Sevilla.
I’m not very good at sitting around doing nothing either. I find it much more relaxing when my mind and/or body is active.
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My favorite “Corner Gas” episode… Brent’s vacation. Some people just manage to have the perfect vacation…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5c0SzzZB9uw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6UbWSI0ttE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTXZTl65Zbo
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Drat…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5c0SzzZB9uw
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6UbWSI0ttE
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Mudhooks, the article I linked to is about 24 hours of solitude with “no books, no movies, no texting, no media intake or interaction of any kind. It’s just you and your thoughts. For 24 hours.”
I’m not sure there would actually be any benefit from spending time like this – yet another example of going to extremes. And at retreats you are not truly alone because there are the organisers and people prepare all your meals, etc.
I am camping-phobic, mister anchovy, so cannot imagine anything worse than your version of pleasant solitude. *shudder*
Thanks for getting it, woo. I’m not very sociable myself, other than online, and I’m quite happy spending time alone at home with my cats and my stuff … but coming out here after chemo and being in constant back pain has, as you say, really put a whole other slant on things. It’s made me more even aware of how getting healthy is a priority, but it’s also left me feeling quite vulnerable. It’s curious that I have never asked “why me?” since getting cancer, but I have been asking “why now???” ever since I hurt my back last week.
I’m not lonely in the sense of not wanting to be alone, as there are several people I know staying in Zahara this week that I could call up. And Nog & I have talked about him coming here for the weekend, but I’m also not sure about that. This feels like a very deep sort of lonliness that I’ve had all my life and I think I’d like to try and understand it a bit better.
“As long as there are cats around, it all works.”
You said it, Sled. If my boys were here now I know I would be feeling much more like myself.
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I don’t mind being on my own – in the abstract.
I’m not sure how I would handle 10 days of it. Since getting married, apart from occasions when I have travelled for business, I have never really been on my own, and before that I was in the bosom, ahem, of my family.
On my own now, tends to be with Mrs. BBJP, and as we went away together for the first time without the children for the first time since they have been around, it was wonderful.
As I say – I like the idea, not sure if I could handle the reality.
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Know what you mean, Johnny. Even though Nog & I are no longer a couple we are still best friends and flatmates, and very used to doing most things together. So not having my constant companion here has felt a bit odd, but that’s not what’s making me feel lonely at times.
In part it’s about not being able to share things. I mean, the sunsets from the terrace are breathtaking and something I would love to share (photos never do them justice). Likewise when I’m out for a walk and see something very cool, like the horses I saw yesterday, there is nobody I can say to “hey, look at that!” and share it with.
Wow, having a trip away only with Mrs BBJP must have been wonderful. Where did you go?
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Ocho Rios – Jamaica
It was heaven – not the sort of holiday we would want every time, but for 10 days on our own to celebrate (in advance) the whole Silver wedding thing, it was very enjoyable.
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Hey, congrats on the silver anniversary!
And you bring up another point when you say it wasn’t the sort of holiday you’d want every time, because I don’t have that point of reference. For me taking a holiday is a weekend or long weekend away, and even then this only happens maybe once in a very long while. The trip to Málaga was the first time I had a WHOLE WEEK away holiday in over 25 years … and now I am having a WHOLE 10 DAYS away, and this time on my own with an incontinent dog. We’re talking two serious holidays in the same month! No wonder I’m a bit discombobulated.
But things are starting to look up. Have just opened a bottle of the cava that Agustín has a rather large stock of here (I was told to help myself) … it’s lovely! And now comes the big daily decision about where to have lunch. Hmmm, you’re not feeling sorry for me, are you? 😉
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Thanks – it has gone by very quickly!
In your circs, I can see how that would be discombobthingifying.
In that 25 years we have had at leasdt one holiday away (not necessarily abroad) pretty much every year. That is one of the luxuries we have always budgeted for and enjoyed.
Feeling sorry for you – no, not really. From what I can tell you should make the most of the opportunities to put yourself and your wellbeing first – do that whole healing and re-charging thing.
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I’m not going to attempt to read all of the above – I get the idea. For me it depends on the context. Most of my time is spent in the company of others – whether socially or from a work perspective. I need solitude. I need it to break up an otherwise repetitive schedule to decide about and indulge in activities (or lack of) that only *I* have an influence on. I go on holiday alone, not because I have no-one to accompany me – I’m continually being pestered to take a break with my mates, but because it’s the perfect reset button for me. I like having the luxury of not having to speak to anyone, to respond, to comment, take on board the considerations of others and really enjoy “me” time. Selfish, perhaps, but I really don’t feel guilty in the slightest about it.
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First of all, I want to tell you that I am hoping that your back is starting to feel better. Because of my slant of interest and work, I am very aware of just how long it takes to detox from chemo, so I was not expecting you to be all better once it was over. Knowing this intellectually is far different from going through the experience personally. You are right, you have a world of people who are “there” for you via internet, email, twitter, blog. But it is still not the same as having an actual living breathing warm human being in the next room or apartment that you can call on in need.
Of course you feel vulnerable and frightened. You have just gone through a huge battle, as you pointed out earlier. And that battle has made you very aware of just how fragile the human is.
I think the point of absolute solitude for 24 hours is so that you can actually do some deep thinking, deep feeling, and perhaps come to some sort of understanding of your inner self that is not really possible when you are distracting yourself with music, images and words.
In my life, I have spent many times alone, both when I lived in Alaska married to Pete and living with Jim when he was in the Navy. There were times when Peter was gone for weeks out doing surveying projects in the Bush. Not only was he away, but he was completely out of touch. The only time he and his crew had contact was when the helicopter brought them supplies. I didn’t even get mail from him. Jim used to go on long cruises on a regular basis. When we lived in Bremerton, he went on Westpac, the ship was gone for 6 months. I had plenty of times when I saw no one but my dog for days at a time. I had plenty to keep me occupied though, with the garden and picking berries and making them into jam.
I am quite sociable, but I can be alone quite nicely too. I think I’d like to try the 24-48 hours of solitude with no distractions except walking and meditating. I think I would find it quite restful. I don’t know though. Maybe I would drive myself crazy quick. I may just have to see about this, I have an opportunity in the next week as Jim is going to Wyoming to visit his brother and I have two days with nothing on my schedule. Hmmm.
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I just want to snibble my cats, you know?
WeeRascal, I don’t think what you are talking about is selfish, but maybe that means I’m “selfish” too. I don’t actually socialise a lot in RL and when I am working (teaching) I find I get enough contact with other quite nice and interesting people.
But, as I say, I don’t usually get the chance to have a holiday, let alone two, so I am probably just not used to it. And I am not complaining … I just feel a bit strange being on my own in someone else’s house. Without my cats.
Thanks, hmh, I know you get it too. And trust me, I don’t wallow or even want to be feeling like this. But the weird stuff like the numb feet and fingers, or when I rub my face and all the skin “vibrates” … or that I still smell like lysol-soaked onions when I sweat. It’s pretty freaky and I have no idea how long it will last.
Had a nice time today, but might try to hit the hay early as I missed my nap.
Did I mention that I miss my cats?
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Yep, you mentioned that. I’ll bet they miss you too.
I just read that article you mentioned and I also listened to the Blogradio thing, which went on too long, IMHO. However, the upshot of the whole thing is that I have decided that I AM going to try this 24 hours of solitude thing, next Sunday, and see how it goes. It should be very interesting, at the least.
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The timer for my tomato puree went off, and I hit post before I was done.
First let me say that the detoxification process you are going through is going to take some time. Your plan of eating simply and without too many chemicals is a good one, because the less extraneous chemicals the liver has to deal with, the more effectively it can deal with the real poisons that were introduced to kill your cancer(s). I have no idea how long it will take, because every body is different. Just make sure you get adequate water to help flush the crapola out, and I know that in the hot summer this sounds very weird, but a nice warm bath with epsom salts while you drink a warm cup of herbal tea can really help your body eliminate some of the stuff through your skin. After you have had this nice soak, then a coolish shower and a rest in a cool shady spot is very healing.
About the 24 hours of solitude. The point that the man being interviewed was making was that there are profound changes happening in the brain when it is stimulated. He is making the point that if you are constantly being bombarded with information, you never have any time to process it in a meaningful way, or allow it to “change your mind.” So he postulates that it is a good thing to allow your brain a chance to catch up by taking time to relax and actually think before the next slug of information comes in, and solitude without distractions is the only way to accomplish this. I think this may be why daily meditation for 20 minutes or so is so healing.
I am comparing this to food intake, (guess why? could it be all the posts lately about food and eating?) in a way. I think our brains may be more similar to our intestinal systems than we like to think. It is true that we digest our food better when it we take it in in “doses” separated by some time. This is because our stomachs are engineered to add certain enzymes at different times during the digestive process, thus allowing us to process and absorb all the nutrients in the food. If you add more stuff when the stomach is halfway through the process, it derails the system.
Similarly, if we are always adding new stuff to our brains by talking, reading, listening to shows and music, it makes it difficult for the brain to digest the older stuff that has already come in. And in fact, if you do this too much, some of the old stuff never makes it into your long term memory. You never have a chance to really chew information over, process it and get it organized, especially if your brain is busy processing other bits of information while it is trying to deal with the big chunk in front of it.
I’m wondering if it is allowable for me to work in the garden at all while I am experiencing my 24 hours of solitude. What do you think?
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Solitude is paradise to me. I can and have spent extended periods utterly alone… I think that the longest period was three weeks without saying hello to a living soul.
Any by alone I mean without all those ‘media inputs’ that are the curse of modern life.
This does not mean that I do not like my family, my friends and the other social trappings. I love them, but to have time to myself, undisturbed and without the endless chatter and noise is something I do need regularly.
I see it as time to breathe to my own life pulse, to think deeply and without interruption, to commune with my own spirit and regenerate my tolerance battery.
Love the life you lead Az, and it will love you back 🙂
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I could stand some solitude, as long as I got to renovate while I’m experiencing it. I spent the last year in a rented apartment, staring at fixtures I couldn’t change and walls I couldn’t put holes in. Mostly thinking about how little I visited my family when I was in MY twentysomethings. 🙂 Now I’m busy as hell and quite content (Fotki pics of renos before and after to come).
Keeping busy with something you enjoy, finding joy in little things- these are the ways of the Jedi master. 😛
Go for a walk and snibble the sea air, hug the hot sand, smell the wild grasses. Get down and sandy- Enjoy!
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Oh look! It’s my two favourite Craigs, back to back!
Snibble the air? Hmmm…
“Love the life you lead and it will love you back.”
This is the plan. 🙂
Oh, and happy birthday!
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Hi,
I seem to always be two steps behind these days. Or maybe more than two steps. But here I am.
You certainly do have a lot to think about. And what a pain that your hands, feet and back are all causing you, well, pain. Argh.
It’s rather hard for me to imagine being alone for 24 hours. I’ve barely ever been alone in my life for more than a few hours. I’ve never even lived by myself.
I think I could enjoy a 24-hour stretch of alone if I could be allowed to do some sort of art project. (I’m too lazy to read the article to see if that was ruled out.) I would absolutely need to keep my hands busy.
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I like your take on “digesting information” being similar to digesting food, hmh. Let me know how your 24 hours turn out. It’s something I could manage doing better in my own home, I think. But, like most people here, I would need some sort of project to keep me happy.
Never lived by yourself, alejna? Wow.
I quite enjoy living alone. In some ways it’s a bit like always being on holiday.
I’m having a good day today. Went through all the Málaga photos this morning and put them up on Fotki. Totally in random order and unedited, but if you’d like a peek, here they are…
Málaga Photo Album
My internet connection is acting up. Not sure if I’ve used up my monthly iPhone flatrate limit or not, though I was told this only meant the connection would get slower, not disappear totally. Aaack, if I lose my internet connection I will be sooooooooo fucked.
And now the big daily decision … where to have lunch? Thanks to Agustín I can afford to eat out one meal a day while I’m here. But it’s tricky around here as most places don’t have tapas, or even “media raciones” (half-plates). And going into the village for lunch is, well, an ordeal. A half-hour walk out in the full sun, and then back again after lunch, is pretty exhausting.
One thing about being here on my own is that I don’t feel so comfortable going out to eat by myself in the evening. Or even going out in the evening. Might have to call up Paloma or “da boyz” (Guillermo & Pepe) and see if they want to out for an evening meal before I leave. Apparently there’s a fab place nearby for cocktails, up on a rooftop terrace with a great view of Morocco. I think I’d like to do that at least once before I go home.
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I hate going out to eat alone. I feel too conspicuous. Like I stick out like a sore thumb. There are places I would like to try but I always find a “reason” why I don’t stop in… the place is too crowded… the place is too empty… there aren’t any small tables… I’m not dressy enough… I am too dressy… I will walk by 8 places and then settle for a crappy take-out, instead.
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I’m with Alejna – I lived with my folks, then my wife, never alone. So the only times I have been “alone” in the house (or away on business when I am obviously seeing people in the day) are pretty infrequent.
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Oh Solitude, how I miss thee…
The last two months I’ve been surrounded by various constellations of family and (their) friends – and I’ve had enough!
I love my children – and I can tolerate the Queen Mum SHORTER periods of time – but that doesn’t by any means indicate that I need them around me ALWAYS.
I need my silent moments as well as play Wagner or Iron Maiden loud; have – or have not – dinner when I’m hungry; go to the Sports Centre when I feel like it; watch crappy movies until 4am; sleep until noon or whatever… and not constantly have to adapt and adjust to what other feels is appropriate or fits their needs.
I’ve spent almost fifty years of my life making other people’s lives comfortable. Damn it’s my turn now!
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