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casa azahar 
🙂
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Yep, I am actually smiling today, Toy Box.
This morning I went to yoga for the first time since I had that cold about ten days ago – and tomorrow I’m going back to pilates for the first time since the hernia. I’ve also been trying to get work stuff organised. And I am surprised to note that it’s actually possible to think about Sunny now without bursting into tears.
It really helped talking to my friend Darlene on Skype yesterday. In a way it was like being “given permission” to let go of the awful guilt I was feeling and a huge weight was lifted. And then I was able to just focus on missing Sunny without all that other “what if” crap getting in the way of my grieving. Because it turns out that missing Sunny is mostly about happy memories and lots of love … yes, it hurts that I can’t be with him anymore, but oh man, did we ever have a good sixteen years. Last night Nog took me out for tapas and I was reminiscing with all sorts of Sunny stories – and I hardly cried at all.
So life goes on. And that collage shows some of the things I am getting on with.
Thanks for all your support, guys.
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Azar gazing up into the light looks like he’s playing the Virgin Mary in a mystery play about the Annunciation.
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That was taken one sleepless night around 3 in the morning and I think Azar was looking at a mosquito. And hogging the pillow, as usual.
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Life does go on. But it is good to take those moments that are necessary for proper grieving and acknowledgement of the relationship.
I have to thank you so much for sharing all your feelings with us, and also for the wonderful bios you posted about Sunny. I reacted very strongly to your posts, and I finally realized why my emotions were so raw and overwhelming when I read about yours. When Mike died, I was actually en route to Lisbon on the cruise, which was our jumping off place for our exciting visit to Sevilla. I was not shocked to come home and find him dead, he was quite ill right before we left. The way my schedule was I only had one day to rest and get organized before I had to start working doing massage again. I never did really allow myself the full expression of the intense grief I had over his loss. Sunny’s death and your posting about it allowed me a catharsis I had not realized I needed.
So thank you for that. And I’m glad you are feeling better again. Azar is lucky to have such a loving “owner” (and I use that term advisedly).
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Well, I’m pretty sure that there are still plenty of tears to be shed, but it feels good to have moved forward a bit and not just feel stuck in that very sad and painful place I’ve been in since Sunny died. Now that I am starting to accept that Sunny is no longer here, I am discovering that in many ways he actually is still here. The heartbreaking part is that I can no longer cuddle and talk to him, see his beautiful face and look into his big blue eyes, but he really is everywhere. Every inch of casa az has a Sunny memory attached to it, and all memories of Seville have Sunny in them somewhere. I’ve left his bed out … there’s a chance that Azar might take it over some day. It still hurts and I still ache with the desire to hold him again, but there’s also just so much love there. And that’s what I want to hold onto.
Glad it’s helped, hmh. *hug*
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🙂
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I liked very much the fact that you didn’t leave any word, just the collage (and the tags, really). It is so expressive! Says it all, and more.
I’m glad you feel better, too (:bubbly: to Darlene!). That said, me poor moggy probably doesn’t understand why I cuddle her so much more these days 😀
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Yeah, when I showed the post to Nog this morning he said it was “eloquent”. 🙂
And I love how over the past few days so many people have mentioned giving their cats or dogs extra love & cuddles after reading about Sunny. What a wonderful legacy.
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Yeah… I tried giving Benjamin “extra love & cuddles” and he did his usual “Geez…. Leave me alone….” or “Do I KNOW you???” routine and got up to go sleep in the linen closet.
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I guess the dogs appreciate the extra cuddle 🙂
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Smokey sure as hell doesn’t, even though he’s been getting them anyway. When I pick up that cat, he hates being held so much, he acts like you have BO and bad breath and if you hold him too long he’ll catch leprosy too. It is like holding a cat shaped stone that is pushing away from your chest. Always has, probably always will. I call him the “Drive Through” cat because that is how he likes to be petted, as he is “driving through.”
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That’s why I mentioned dogs only. They seems to like cuddles. Cat, those ungrateful devils, might put up with it if there is some hint of tuna in the end.
Although, if I must be truthful, my cat doesn’t seem to mind (I got her used to it from very young), even when I put her downside up and scratch her fluffy belly. She doesn’t really seem to enjoy it either: that must be just another weird thing we 2 legged beasts do 😉
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Some cats just love being cuddled…. I would love to meet one of them.
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Come to think of it, Lily loves to be cuddled when she is in the mood for it. She is the stunningly gorgeous cat found here: http://healingmagichands.wordpress.com/2009/01/01/happy-new-year-2/
Too bad she lives with Cliff and Nancy and not here.
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Azar not only ADORES being cuddled (aka snibbled) he demands – in a very loud voice – to have several snibbling sessions a day. Which is usually adorable…
He also comes up for morning and bedtime cuddles, which is always adorable.
And of course, he sleeps on my head and likes me to massage his toes.
Sunny used to enjoy a gentle full body snibble, and having his chin rubbed. But he only ever liked being stroked from behind his head. If he saw a hand coming towards his face he’d high tail it outta there. No idea why. But what Sunny loved most was just curling up next to me or on my lap and getting all cosy and warm.
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Miss Nickel Catmium was raised by a breeder, even though I got her for free as a behavior problem and runaway — so despite some eccentricities, the cutest thing about her is that no matter how she’s acting out, even with her tail in a brush, she will go limp if a human seizes her. And then I tickle the spots on her tummy. Now I’m starting to chant “Snibble! Snibble!” as I hold her up to my cheek.
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Smokey would find that demeaning in the extreme. He can get violent if you tickle his tummy for longer than a few seconds. I mean kicking scratching biting “You stop that this instant” violent. Gotta love him.
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