May 4th 2008 was the last day I ever felt “healthy and normal”. The next morning I woke up with excrutiating abdominal pain and the rest, as they say, is history.
Three major operations and two bouts of chemo later, I am in remission and have been since September 2009, but of course the risk of recurrence is always there. This was seriously brought home to me when my friend Gaelen was recently diagnosed with new metastasis after three cancer-free years. Around the same time another friend – my power twin Jed – got sick again and is now facing a treatment-without-cure situation. It’s made it harder for me to go along in my usual state of semi-denial, which makes for a lot of sleepless nights and general emotional upheaval. But mostly I’m okay. Because, as far as I know, I’m still okay.
Anyhow, not trying to be a downer, but anniversaries are always a bit poignant in that “will it be my last??” kind of way. As I’ve said here before, perhaps if I’d made more of an effort to do all The Right Things I’d be feeling less, well, annoyed with myself right now. Every day I wake up determined to eat broccoli and forego wine and spend two hours at the gym, and then … it’s not that I can’t be bothered, but things are never simple and I’ve had lots of stress in other areas of my life and I can’t seem to get it all together at once. As if I have all the time in the world to get it right…
One thing I’ve learned these past three years is to be less judgemental about people who can’t seem to get it together. Well, except for me. Are you very hard on yourself, or are you able to just go with the flow?
casa azahar 
Not sure this helps but it has now become “my” phrase…
http://www.shorpy.com/Keep-Calm-and-Carry-On-poster
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Beautiful article sweetie! I wish I could help you lift some of your burden… *hug*
Personally I think I handle the art of going with the flow pretty well. Although, probably I could always improve it! 😉 🙂
Love,
Caroline
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Ah but which of us isn’t harder on ourselves than we are on others?
The thing for me is, you are trying to do “The Right Things” – and youhave no way to know that if you had done all of them, all the time, that you’d be any better off than you are now.
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I know. Which is something I keep trying to believe…
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I think I go with the flow, probably *way* too much. But I often find myself suddenly wide awake at 3am in the knowledge that everything could be blown away tomorrow.
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By “go with the flow” I meant do you just go along in life without really taking much personal responsibility, without feeling self-blame and crap like that when things fuck up?
I’m pretty good with carpe diem, but rather crap at letting go of *feeling responsible and blaming myself for absolutely everything that ever happens*. Heh, I know, quite a burden, and I’d be quite happy to share the load if someone ever came along with big enough shoulders to do so…
I admit, I’m scared. Which sometimes makes me act stupid. It’s like I can’t do what’s best for me but if a friend asks me for help then I am there with guns blazing and with all my more than somewhat impressive energy. So why can’t I do that for myself? And where is that person who is going to show up with guns blazing …? Have yet to meet them, but meanwhile many people help in many wonderful ways.
And then your house catches on fire and everything goes for a burton. See tomorrow’s blog post for details…
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I had to become a massage therapist in order to channel my instinct to fix everything for everybody before it killed me. Let’s not even talk about perfectionism. You don’t even want to know what kinds of names I’ve screamed at myself for putting clothes in the wrong cycle of the dryer.
In some way that’s hard to explain, I often feel as if I have to be this way to make up for the people who don’t give a f**k whether they do things right, wrong or at all.
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A piece of advice from an old family friend that has stayed with me since it was said to me when I was 16 years old: “You need to be as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend. Because, in the end, you are your own best friend.” And that’s hard – I’ve said things to myself that I wouldn’t dream of saying to my worst enemy!
And I think that if there was overwhelming scientific evidence that people who eat nothing but veggies, don’t drink and exercise two hours every day don’t get cancer, then we’d have heard about it. But fit and healthy people do get cancer so its important, I think, not to give yourself a hard time for your daily life. You’re doing what you can and that is all anyone can ask. Plus, you have to enjoy life, too, otherwise what’s the point of holding on to it, right?! And wine and yummy food and not spending two hours in the gym every day are why life is worth living 🙂
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