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Category Archives: change

the best I can be

06 Tuesday Aug 2013

Posted by azahar in blogging, cancer, change, chemo, friends, hope

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

cancer, friends, life stuff

polaroid patThe other day I came across this post written by Pat Is this the best I can be? in which she’d linked to this post that I’d written on the same day in October 2009, and in those blog posts both of us were questioning our lives and our behaviour, ways of coping, etc. And it got me thinking…

First of all, I spent a bit of time on Pat’s blog listening to her voice again. She was such a naturally talented writer along with being wonderful in so many other ways. And I realised that it’s been almost three years since we wrote those posts. I’m still here, Pat is not. But who knows what the next PET scan in September will reveal?

And so what I mostly started thinking about was “wasting time”. It seemed that for awhile I was doing everything very intensely because it truly felt like DEATH was just around the corner. These days I am mostly aware of my condition (stage 4 cancer survivor – at least so far!) during my monthly visits to the hospital to get my chemo port cleaned out, and of course every six months when I go for my PET scan. The latter always terrifies me and I’m a mess for about a week or so before. Lucky for me that I get the results straight away and don’t have to also go through the stress of waiting a couple of weeks afterwards.

Anyhow, there are, and always have been, a lot of things I don’t like about myself, so that is a daily struggle. I mean, I think I am mostly a “good person” (whatever that means) but my days are full of self-criticism because I could always be Doing Better. And then I don’t do better because this (rather abusive) inner-dialogue tends to wear me out, though I think I still end up mostly Doing Okay. When I was going through chemo and recovering from operations I tended to cut myself some slack and not be so hard on myself and I guess that reading those blog posts made me aware that I’d slipped back into this beating-myself-up rut. Which is, frankly, a waste of time. Not to mention counter productive. And exhausting.

When Azar, the love of my life, died last September I made a promise in honour of his memory to try and be the same person I was with him when with other people. You see, he was just so easy to love and it turned out I actually really liked who I was when I was with him. Because with Azar I was always the best I could be. And well, I haven’t always remembered that promise but all this recent thinking has brought it back. So I’m going to start making that my daily goal, and I even think I’ll try to include myself along with those “other people”.

Wish me luck!

new kitteh?

09 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by azahar in animals & pets, cats, change, home

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

cats, change, home

pitu and kittehs
For those of you who don’t know about my friend Pablo… well, it’s been a long and sometimes complicated friendship. But hey, we’re still friends, even though we tend to drop in and out of each other’s lives. Just like yesterday! I was walking over to see an exhibition at the Alfonso XIII Hotel and passed an old folks home where Pablo’s parents were once in residence and I found myself wondering where the hell he’d been the past couple of months. Then about an hour later I was having a tapa with Peter and I suddenly got a WhatsApp video sent to me by Pablo showing his Pitu with a litter of eensy kittens. How random is that?

Then it occurred to me that I’ve actually been hankering for a new kitten… it just always feels better with three. But, other than when I went looking for a companion for Azar after Sunny died (which of course ended up being Loki) I’ve always gone with the notion that cats tend to find me. Just like yesterday. After having a look at Pitu’s brood I gave Pablo a call and asked him to give me first choice. And guess what? Turns out they were just one day old! Which means they were born on April 7th… Azar’s birthday.

So that’s a done deal! Except now I have to choose one. Will be going over to Pablo’s this week to have a better look at them, and will no doubt visit them a lot over the next 6-8 weeks. Right now I’m partial to either the little orange one or the black one with a comical white face.

unexpected support

19 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by azahar in change, home, my barrio, neighbours

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

home, neighbours

petitionYesterday I was working away at my desk when suddenly I caught sight of a woman on the roof of the building across the street – who was waving at me! So I cheerfully waved back and then thought – duh! – maybe she wants something. I opened the balcony door and said hello and found out that she did indeed want something. Turns out she’d seen me coming home late after a tapas tour last week and confronting the asshat who acts as a bouncer at the sleazy bar in my building. I mean, it was about 1 am and there were at least forty drunk teenagers hanging around outside my front door. So I took a photo of them and told the bouncer I’d call the police and show it to them if he didn’t DO SOMETHING immediately. Of course he made a pathetic showing of dispersing the crowd, which only lasted until I went inside.

Anyhow, the woman (Aracel) wanted to talk to me about DOING SOMETHING about this bar and the other illegal bar just up the street, which are both owned by the same person. I told Aracel that I actually had a petition signed by all but one tenant in my house (can never catch him at home) and was going to take it down to city hall this week. So she said she would get the president of their building management committee to write up a petition as well to present at the same time. After that I wrote to the woman who rents holiday apartments in the house next door (Ryan’s parents stayed there last month and complained about the noise) to see if she wanted to do the same. If she does then three houses with 6-8 apartments in each will have registered a formal complaint in the same week about these two bars. And just maybe that will make a difference.

You may recall that the scuzzy bar in my building was the one that caught fire in the middle of the night a couple of years ago.  There is no way he is operating within what his licence permits. The place doesn’t open until after 10 pm most nights and stays open until about 4 am. Then his other bar (pretty much in front of my bedroom balcony) opens at 6 am. And both of these bars attract a combination of underage drinkers and the absolute dregs of society who hang out in the street basically all night and well into the morning. We are hopeful that the closing of one “iconic” student bar a couple of weeks ago just around the corner from us means that city hall is trying to crack down on illegal opening times, as well as illegal drinking (and gawd knows what else) going on in the street. So wish us luck! It really feels good to suddenly have this unexpected support from my neighbours.

breakfast room

30 Wednesday Jan 2013

Posted by azahar in change, friends, home

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

friends, home

breakfast roomRemember last year when I first met Fourat and she inspired me to set up my upstairs room? Well, I’m afraid that’s as far as I got with it and didn’t actually end up using the room for sewing. But it seems that Fourat is determined to keep inspiring me and during our catch up lunch yesterday (which was actually yet another birthday lunch!) she surprised me with a pair of lovely red linen placemats.

I immediately thought of the upstairs room with its happy red IKEA chair and bright red cupboard knobs and knew the placemats would look fabulous up there on the glass table, and also that, although I’m really not into sewing anymore, I’m still quite keen on breakfast. So this is now my new breakfast room.

Instead of sitting at my desk in the living room I can curl up in the comfy red chair upstairs with my coffee and iPad and enjoy the terrace view. And as soon as it gets warmer I can have the door and windows open or even sit outside. I’m already thinking of getting some proper terrace furniture and wondering if my orange tree (which is growing like crazy) will blossom this spring.

Thanks once again for the inspiration, Fourat!

lap cat

28 Wednesday Nov 2012

Posted by azahar in animals & pets, cats, change, home, life stuff

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

cats, change, home

Lots of changes happen when, well, when things change. For example, now that Azar is no longer draped over my legs when I am in my comfy chair either reading or watching tv… Loki has decided to become a lap cat. And frankly, I love it! Especially now that it’s getting colder. He just cuddles up and starts purring and there are even fleeting moments when I forget to miss Azar. Likewise, now that Azar is no longer sleeping on my head, Luna has started sneaking under the duvet to snuggle up for the night. It’s so endearing and it reminds me of when Azar first started trusting me enough to do that. So yeah, the bottom line is that I still miss Azar so much that it’s a constant ache in my heart, but these two young’uns help me smile every day and help me remember how lucky I am.

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