Nothing really to do with it being Monday since, as a freelancer, there aren’t actually any weekdays or weekends (or holidays). And as far as my work goes, I love it, so I don’t fall prey to pre-work dread. So what is it then? Good question. I know this has been building up for a while now with my usual tools of denial, deflection and determination getting me through. But something feels wrong. I feel like I’m in a dark place that is scaring the fuckity out of me and every day it gets harder to get out of bed and care about anything. So every day is an exercise in going through the motions in the hope that my… what? will kick back in.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m still going about my life, working, seeing friends, doing stuff I like, making plans… but it kind of feels like I am actually missing while all of this stuff going on, like I’m not really there. The detachment is what’s scaring me. Feels like I’ve been here before and it didn’t go well. I wish I could be more clear about this but as about 90% of my childhood memories don’t exist I’ve always felt like I am playing it by ear. Day by day.
Believing in myself has always been a challenge and there is a propensity to believe the worst and not have faith in the good stuff. What can I say? I know I’m a complicated person. But it turns out that for many people out there I’m kind of a “marmite” love-or-hate person. Honestly I’d rather just be liked and respected on a mutual individual basis… don’t require unanimous love and sure don’t do well with hate.
Anyhow, just blowing off some steam as I am sitting here at home unable to go outside because… can’t.
