At the moment I am looking for signs of happiness anywhere I can find them. And when I went upstairs today to water the terraza plants it struck me just how much Pat’s tree has grown in the past two months. Just check out the difference! My little naranjo is getting quite lush.

For a crazy moment yesterday I considered burying Azar under the orange tree but then realised that store-bought soil with nothing living in it to help with decomposition would end up quite icky. I guess I just liked the idea of him fertilising our tree.

I have been trying to forgive myself for all the things I should have done, and even more for the things I shouldn’t have done (why did I go out the night he ended up dying??) and have come to a conclusion. I’m human. And in spite of the mistakes I made, I also gave Azar a fabulous life and all the nasty stuff at the end doesn’t negate any of that. Because in the end, death is never pretty.

Now if I can actually believe that, and stop beating myself up, then I can get on with remembering all the wonderful years, and the total wonderfulness that was a little black street cat called Azar. I’m keeping as busy as I can right now, because every time I look around and see that he isn’t here – where he should be – I start to cry.

The love of my life…

[ps… I’m not expecting any of you to tell me all over again how I was there for Azar – you’ve already done that. It’s just that now I have to believe it myself and so I’m  just talking about how I feel and hoping that I can start moving forward without feeling sad and guilty about all the things I could’ve/should’ve done]