Remember multi-tasking az?
Well, she is taking some time out.
She needs some time to heal.
I just couldn’t do it all. I’ve spent the past two months going through the horrors of chemo for the second time, trying to organise work projects and find new students to teach, pay my bills, make new contacts … and all it’s doing is wearing me out. I haven’t actually found any work and I know that – things being the way they are in Seville – the chances of anything picking up for me workwise won’t realistically happen until September. So it’s time to stop hitting my head against that brick wall for now and time to start doing what I know will help me.
I’ve spent the past few days “practicing” my new healing method and you know what? It feels great. I’ve been listening to exactly what my mind and body need and then doing just that. And I know that, for me, this is the best way to heal. I also know that doing this isn’t going to make me one euro, and I have no idea how I’m going to make ends meet over the summer … but I just can’t worry about that now.
This is what I need to do. Follow my heart.
casa azahar 
You have to do what is right for you and not to beat yourself up over what you know you CANNOT do.
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When I get back from vacation I’m going to hire you for some Skype Spanish lessons if you’re up to it. Bear in mind that I have a mind like a sieve so it will be harder than it sounds, and we’ll probably work on the same six words each week.
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The thought of you speaking Spanish with my atrocious Canadian accent will make it all worthwhile, Beth! 🙂
I did try a Skype English class the other day with one of my exes, Fran, who said he was too busy to come back to regular classes. Turns out he found the medium a bit “cold” so now is coming to “now & then” classes here, which will probably be once a week (June & July). And I still have my once a week class with Agustín (Dr A) but he’ll probably stop at the end of June. And Bizzy should be back from her month in Italy soon and might pick up her classes again, at least for July.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I don’t want to work. And anyhow, with Agustín, Fran and Bizzy it’s more like very pleasant social calls than WORK. Plus they understand that I might need to cancel a class last minute if I’m not up to it. But I wouldn’t want to start with a new student now, with things the way they are. Anyhow, since the phone ain’t exactly ringing off the hook I don’t think I’ll need to worry about turning down any work between now and September. And Nog is quite happy to take on any summer students who happen to come our way.
It’s just the PRESSURE that was getting to me. Having to start from scratch again, rebuild my student base, work on the new projects, study online marketing, etc, etc. All while feeling like total crap and not being able to concentrate on anything for more than two minutes. “Chemo brain” is a very real problem. Plus my physical side effects are getting worse … so this is really not the time for me to get extra stressed over work and money issues.
I mean, I do realise these issues are there, and will continue to be there, but I need to accept that there is very little I can do about them right now. Even if I were in the pink of health I’d be finding it very hard to get things moving at this time. But I can slowly start laying some groundwork over the summer, keep making connections (for all who sneer at Twitter, this has proved to be a wonderful way of meeting other people in the travel/food/wine industries) and kind of see where I stand towards the end of August.
As for how I will pay my rent and bills – no idea. I still have the donations button, which I am happy to report is still being used from time to time. Trust me, even 20 euros helps – it all adds up.
Meanwhile, I’ve sent out an email to a few people I know here in Seville, explaining my situation and rattling my little tin can. We’ll see what happens with that. I’ve probably mentioned this elsewhere, but since I started seeing being hard up as one of the many awful side effects of having cancer, I’ve stopped feeling ashamed about needing financial help. It’s just what it is.
Fran came up with a novel way of slipping me a bit extra. He said he is going to pay me 3 euros extra a class during the summer. It all adds up.
Anyhoo, just didn’t want my “needing to heal my way” thing to come across as me just slobbing out on the sofa watching DVDs. I actually get up at 7 every morning, go to yoga classes three mornings a week, make sure I get out for a walk every day (though it’s harder during week one, like now), ride my exercise bike (week three) … then I do a little online socialising, reading, writing. And I’m also working on changing my diet, coming up with those “small and perfect” meals.
And of course a large part of my day is taken up with snibbling cats and otherwise rolling around on the bed with them and laughing. LAUGHING. So important.
As well as napping.
And now I must get up and go to yoga class. It’s hard during week one because even the coolish morning air hurts my hands, feet and throat and I have to bundle up to get there. Damn chemo! But here I go …
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Hey there Az,
Here’s another person to validate your new strategy. Fill the days with healing activities, whatever they may be! I’m not slobbing out either but I’m stressing less about academic publishing. I’ve mostly recovered from round 10 and have started playing tennis — trying to toughen up so that I won’t break down if my oncologist says I need to do 4 more full rounds.
Hey, small & perfect meals = tapas! You’re in the perfect place to get through chemo… take care, Jed.
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Deppman! How wonderful to hear from you. Round 10 and playing tennis??? You amaze me. And here’s me wondering how I’m going to get through 6 rounds. Though my onc seems to include the three I did last summer when she talks about how many rounds I’ve completed so far. Which makes this round 7? Go figure.
I hope your onc decides on the lower number of rounds for you. I’m having another PET scan next week, which is quite nervous making as it will obviously determine the next stage of my treatment.
Yes, tapas are the perfect small meals, though probably not terribly rich in antioxidants. I actually think the necessary diet changes will be easier for me to make once I’m off the chemo.
Off to check your blog…
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Lo these many years ago I read an article written by a woman who suffered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome back when most of the doctors thought it was a hysterical mental illness rather than an actual viral immune system disease.
Anyway, I tell you right now I have no idea where I read this article, so I can’t give you the reference. However, the upshot of her experience was that she had to basically completely yield to her fatigue, and rest. She was very fortunate in that she had a friend who allowed her to stay with her, and all she did was sleep until she woke up, and then eat a light breakfast and go out into her friend’s lovely shady patio and lie in the hammock there and sleep and rest some more. When the sun went down, she would eat a little more and then have a nice bath and then go to bed and sleep.
I have a client who successfully dealt with her fibromyalgia in the same way.
So, if you need to stop everything and focus on what you need for your body to heal, then by all means listen to your powerful inner voice and do what it says.
By the way, I really love the image at the top of this post. You couldn’t go wrong in your healing path to spend a few moments each day contemplating it and all it symbolizes.
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To use a term I think coined by Joseph Campbell, I am looking to spend more time in my place of “creative incubation”. This is a quote of his…
I think that ties in with the image, hmh. I used to be one of those people who were “never sick”, which I don’t think was actually true. I just refused to believe I was sick and, unless I was totally laid low like the one time I had flu, I would carry on as if nothing was wrong. And in some ways I’ve been doing this during treatment. Which was WRONG. At least for me. I guess part of it was because I didn’t want to be seen as a slacker, having heard stories of people who bravely (or stupidly?) continued working all through their chemo treatment, blah, blah. Of course I’ve heard other stories about people who seldom left their beds. I guess I’m somewhere in the middle.
The other reason I’ve been pushing myself too much is because I really do need the money. But this is what hit me the other day … I’m busting my butt here, getting all stressed out, not sleeping at night and I’m still not making any money! So clearly I am going about things bassackwards.
First heal, then think, then do.
That place of creative incubation is my goal at the moment. To spend longer periods of time there every day while I let my body and spirit heal. My spirit. You’d think that being part Cree Indian I’d be more in touch with that part of me.
Anyhow, going for the “package deal” these days…
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Az, first you find the peaceful place, and then you draw from it. And the help will be there, one way or another. Strongest thoughts, my friend–from one who is still taking things as easy as possible.
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This sounds like the best of plans, az. Healing is where your energy should be going.
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I love the idea of Skype Spanish lessons! Could you suggest a particular book as the best one to use for learning Spanish in a pottering around on your own kind of way?
I’d also suggest from seeing your blog and seeing the pictures and other things that you are working on, even if they are only mentioned in passing, that you are very active still. Now that the school year is out and I don’t have to meet deadlines and do projects and function in general, I tend to stay at home, reading, napping and generally vegging, something I am not entirely happy about.
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You have it right, just heal. I believe the universe will provide, maybe not the way we would like, but the that is right for us at the time. So many times I’ve just trusted, and the universe has come through.
If I were in your shape, I’d probably be in bed all day, not taking yoga and out walking. I think you are doing OK, and just healing is the right thing now.
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Sounds eminently sensible, Az. Eat healthily, get plenty of rest and visualise positive outcomes to heal. Monetary things are such a stresser, the less you can allow them to dominate your thoughts the better (although I certainly appreciate how much easier said than done that is).
I don’t know about you, but I have found that using the Spend app on my iPhone has really helped me to budget ruthlessly, to make what little I have cover all the necessities. I don’t get the luxuries or treats which I used to turn to in order to cheer myself up (haven’t bought any new clothes or had my hair done or had a decent meal out in ages), but I feel more in control so I don’t need so much cheering up. 🙂
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I thought of trying that Spend app, woo, but aside from certain food items I don’t see where else I can cut down. I also haven’t bought clothes or shoes in the past year and my hair hasn’t been cut in months. I’m tempted to hack off the sides myself and ask either Nog or Pip to cut the back straight across – it’s driving me nuts this long.
And I am back to rereading books and rewatching series on DVD – no more Amazon orders for me.
Nog does treat me to a weekly tapa snack, which is as much for him as for me, so as long as he can afford that I think it’s something we both need.
And well okay, I DID buy that new laptop a couple of months ago, but I’ve already justified that. 😉
It’s sometimes frivolous little things that I feel I can’t do without. I don’t mind wearing the same old clothes but I don’t know what I’ll do when my perfume is all used up. There’s about a quarter of an inch in the bottle and I use it very sparingly these days, dreading the moment when there is no more. Silly, huh?
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Gaelen, alejna, SS … yep, that’s the plan. I think I’m doing okay so far. I can feel a real shift in “what’s important” and I find I am enjoying my days a lot more. I’m still in the passive stage of just letting my body dictate … later on I suspect I will learn how much to “push” myself. It’s a real education, that’s for sure.
I’m afraid I can’t help you, ismarah. I have never looked at a Spanish grammar book, just kind of picked it up as I went along.
Okay, off to the hospital. For a long forgotten appointment made last January to do with my “burning thigh”. I should actually be there now but I’m going in late – what the hell. Needed to sleep. Just finishing coffee and yoghurt and will now shower, take the dreaded chemo pills, and be on my way.
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