Category Archives: cancer

adiós coliflor!

01 Monday Feb 2021

Posted by in cancer, food & drink, health & happiness, hospitals

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coliflor

Unless it’s prepared like this. I feel a bit like Sherlock Holmes and also grateful for having most of my life (including meals) up somewhere on the ol’ internets, because I think I have solved a mystery that’s been plaguing me for at least five years and probably more. So okay, getting to the point (and be forewarned, this is probably going to be really boring so don’t feel obliged, but I want the info here for future reference)…

After that last emergency op in August 2011 things didn’t heal as well as after the previous three cancer ops, which I think was in part my fault. I was extra impatient about being in hospital AGAIN and I remember begging the surgeon to let me go home on the Friday (the op had been on Monday, and we’re talking major abdominal surgery). I just wanted to be back home with the cats and sleep in my own bed and couldn’t bear the thought of spending the whole weekend in hospital (they only discharge people on weekdays). Well, turns out I should have stayed in because after promising the doctor that I’d “be good”, I really wasn’t. I didn’t wear my “faja” all the time at home (it was August and too hot), and I was out and about more than I should have been. The result was that I ended up with an umbilical hernia as well as the usual post-op adhesions. What’s this got to do with cauliflower you ask?
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what’s your superpower?

16 Friday Oct 2020

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, hospitals

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superpowers

So I picked up my latest CT scan results yesterday and it was the clearest of “all clears” I’ve had in a few years. Not sure what this means yet as I still have to see the oncologist. But it looks like maybe I won’t need to be tested again for awhile. The scary fistula leaking gack into my abdomen seems to have healed on its own and there is no evidence of any metastasis in lungs or abdomen. Okay, my cholesterol is still higher than it should be and my liver is a bit fatty (like the rest of me) but these don’t seem to be immediately life-threatening. Unless I get Covid of course, then I’m a goner.

Meanwhile I can’t help but think that after more than 12 years of radioactive substances being either beamed or injected into my system on a regular basis I should at least get a superpower out of this.

If you could have a superpower what would it be?

oncology update!

19 Friday Jun 2020

Posted by in cancer, coronavirus, friends, hope, hospitals, sevilla, spain, tapas, tapas bars, welcome

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plaza espanaJust look how fucking gorgeous this is! That is the Plaza de España WITHOUT ANY TOURISTS. My goodness, what a beautiful sight. I snapped this pic while walking home from the hospital today. Finally got my oncology checkup to review all the tests I’ve had done (Feb-March). This got postponed, like most things, by the VIRUS. But today was the day. Luckily I had already been given copies of the test results from my GP so there were no big surprises.

Basically, after another colonoscopy, an upper abdomenal barium x-ray, another CT scan of my thorax and abdomen, and more blood tests, they still don’t know what THE THING is next to my stomach. But it appears to be behaving and they think they can rule out cancer. But short of cutting me open again they can’t know for sure. And they really don’t want to cut me open again. So there will be another CT scan and blood test in September to see if there have been any changes.

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annie

08 Wednesday Apr 2020

Posted by in cancer, death & dying, friends

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You came into my life just by chance, and you stayed in my life because you chose to. You wanted to. And unlike with many people I’ve known, your friendship never waivered, not once, not even a little bit.  I smile remembering how you’d tell me “yeah, that’s because they’re assholes”. That meant absolutely everything to me.

Annie, I’ve been sitting by your bedside, so to speak, for these past weeks and riding that rollercoaster with Kenton, during your good days, and the times when it looked like it was all over and then you’d rally yet again. As Kenton put it, you’re as stubborn as a mule and as tough as old boots, and always the strong one while the rest of us are in bits.

And we were in bits many times, and then the next day you’d be up drinking a smoothie at the hospice and chatting away. Oh Annie. It’s been awhile since we were able to talk, but Kenton told me he mentioned me to you the other day and you smiled and said “of course I remember Shawn”. But other times you were barely conscious. And so while this really breaks my heart, of course you couldn’t have gone on like that. I imagine how annoyed you’d be.

I’ve never lost someone I love before, Annie. It’s taken heartbreak to a whole other level. As I said to Kenton, I guess it’s lucky I hardly love anyone so this isn’t likely to happen many more times during what is left of my life.

Silver linings.

My life will not be the same without you my beautiful, loving, smart, funny and fiercely loyal friend. But I know that I am a better person for having known you. And I will never stop loving and missing you. ❤

We love each other and try our best, everything else is meaningless

We hard arsed bitches have to stick together. Fuck everyone else. Love you, Shawn. X

~ Annie

 

lockdown day 12: all that cancer training paid off

25 Wednesday Mar 2020

Posted by in cancer, casa azahar, coronavirus, sevilla

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So okay, since lockdown on March 14th I’ve been out of the house twice, both times for supermarket runs and to take out the rubbish (with all the cooking I’ve been doing and the CAT SAND, I can’t leave it longer than that). But each time I’ve felt like I was dodging bullets. Even though my closest supermarket has been taking great care with protecting both its staff and customers I feel extra vulnerable due to, well MY AGE, and also as I’ve mentioned before, the autoimmune shit going on due to previous stage 4 cancer & chemo.

Meanwhile, of course I miss my old life. I miss my work, my friends, being able to make a living. And I really miss my 10,000 step walks along the river and through the city. And then I hear people saying they can’t live without getting outside for their daily run or a bit of fresh air. Well, you know what? Of course you fucking CAN. You just don’t want to.

Maybe it’s my previous experience with having had stage 4 cancer and being twice on chemo, and having 4 major abdominal operations that pretty much robbed me of a year and a half of my life… I learned that when someone tells me to stay home, I fucking stay home. I don’t think, “oh but I want my old life back” and defy the orders, not to mention the odds. Because when you have stage 4 cancer there is no guarantee that you will ever get your old life back again, or any life at all.

There was also the fact that I felt like death warmed over most of the time, so going out wasn’t really that appealing anyhow. But I did ALWAYS wish I could go out again. And then one day I could. In fact the one time I defied the rules and went out too soon after my final operation in 2011… blam! hernia! Nobody to blame but myself.

So while, yeah, I’m going a bit stir crazy and of course I’d love to be outside in the spring sunshine, all of that, I also find myself going into self-protective mode, hunkering down, waiting for this to pass. With the feeling of having been here before, I know what it’s like, and I know I can deal with it. Back then, with the whole cancer thing, I didn’t have hope per se, but I perservered. One day at a time, not knowing what the final outcome would be.

Well guess what? There really was no actual final outcome other than somehow I didn’t die, and somehow I am still here long after I was told I wouldn’t be. So about this coronavirus? Same deal. Except instead of it just happening to me it’s happening to all of us.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve already had the experience of having had my life put on hold, with little or no guarantee that things would get better. This time I’m doing it with all you guys. Stay healthy… and stay home! We can do this. xx