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It’s hard to tell if they even notice that Loki is gone.
Perhaps because they still have each other.
and then there were two…
01 Wednesday Mar 2023
Posted in casa azahar, cats, home
Tag Archives: cats
caturday february 25th 2023
25 Saturday Feb 2023
Posted in casa azahar, cats, caturday, home
It’s a very sad Caturday. I guess most of you know by now that l had to say goodbye to my darling boy Loki on Tuesday and I’m still so broken-hearted. Tomorrow would have been the 13th anniversary of when this rascally orange bundle of energy moved into my life and my heart. And l know this hurts so much because of how much l loved him, will always love him, and so that’s okay because that’s the price you pay for love in the end. My Loki.
last call
22 Wednesday Feb 2023
Posted in casa azahar, cats, home
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We didn’t make it to today. The plan had been that our vet Sonia would come this evening to “take him away” but yesterday afternoon I sent her a message asking if maybe we could talk about doing it sooner. It was so clear that Loki was not having any kind of life any more and watching him trying to get to his water bowl and then (and then!) try to pee in the box rather than in his blanket… it was so painful to watch and I realised that was enough. Sonia called back late afternoon and as soon as she heard me she said “we can be there in an hour”. And OMG, it was suddenly all happening too fast and I said “oh no, can’t we”… and then I stopped. Because of course it had to happen. So I said okay and then bundled Loki into my lap. This is the last photo I took of us together while we waited. My heart.
At first I couldn’t stop sobbing, honestly I was totally crying my heart out, I just didn’t want to let go of him. Then I don’t know, I looked down at him so weak and tired in my lap, so trusting, and I realised that he deserved better than this. So several deep breaths later I started talking to him in my special Loki lovey-dovey voice, telling him how much I was going to miss him, how much I love him, but that it was time to let go and that he had to remember how much he was loved, how much everyone loved him. By the time Sonia and Macarena arrived we were both very calm, just Loki and me in my comfy chair, just like always.
Sonia administered the tranquilliser with Loki still in my lap so he wasn’t disturbed at all. I don’t think he even knew they were there. Sonia said “just keep talking to him” and so I did. A few minutes later he got all groggy and floppy and then it was time. I carried him over to the office table, there was a blanket set up already, and we put him there, all limp and barely conscious, and then Sonia gave him the necessary injections. Two minutes later he was gone. And Sonia gave me some time to kiss him again and say goodbye one last time before they gently moved him to a carrier and took him away.
Sonia told me before leaving this was the hardest part of her job and said I had done the right thing to call her (she’d immediately left a full waiting room at her practice to attend to us) then she gave me a big hug. And then they were gone. And my Loki was gone. My Loki. 🧡🐈
one last day
21 Tuesday Feb 2023
Posted in casa azahar, cats, home
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I took Loki in for another treatment last night but I feared the worst as the past couple of days he’d really gone downhill. He hadn’t been eating, had no energy, and was also having trouble walking. So they did an ultrasound and it showed tumours in his pancreas and liver, also enlarged kidneys. His temperature had dropped and a second blood test showed that his kidneys were basically shutting down. And Sonia gave it to me straight, that it was time to make that terrible decision. Honestly, floods of tears at the vet’s, I totally lost it. So I said I wanted to take him home for at least one more night – I couldn’t just leave him there – and Sonia consoled me by saying that failing kidneys was actually a “muerte suave” and that he wouldn’t be in pain. She said he’d mostly be weak and disoriented, like being in a dream, not really knowing what was going on. Except I know he knows. But as long as there’s no pain…
Anyhow, I couldn’t bear the idea of taking Loki back to the vet’s and for his last memories to be yet another scary taxi ride, and then to be put on a cold hard table in a strange place surrounded by bright lights and strangers. Then I remembered that when Lua was on her way out my vet came over to the house to administer the final injection, so I asked if they could do this too. And yes, they can. But not until Wednesday. So that gives me until tomorrow with my beautiful boy. I took this pic this morning. He’s next to me in bed, all bundled up and snoring. My heart.
the king of kozy
17 Friday Feb 2023
Posted in casa azahar, cats, home, hope
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Back at the vet’s today for Round 3 of The Treatment. I’m very sad to say that Loki really doesn’t seem to be doing well. When I took him in on Monday it was almost an afterthought. Since I had to take Morcilla in so the vet could look at the mysterious lump on her head, which I thought was the real emergency, I thought I would take Loki too as he’d been looking a bit low and I didn’t like how my previous vet handled the last blood test he’d had with them, and so this would be a good opportunity for another check-up and blood test. And now I’m not sure if it was too little too late. Today the vet told me that, given Monday’s blood test results, they were very surprised he’d been mostly asymptomatic. No vomiting, no diarrhea, no blood in stools… AND he was still eating and drinking. Now, not so much. He’s gone off his food, mostly looks tired and sad. I don’t even know what to think or feel right now. Next treatment is on Monday.
Anyhow, this afternoon he was hiding out in my bedroom so I brought him out to be on the sofa near me while I work, but he looked so uncomfortable, all hunched up. Then I took out the summer duvet and made a little nest for him… and he went straight in. Bless. He looks much cosier now. My god, this is so hard, wanting to hope, scared to hope… but for now what I CAN do is keep my boy as comfy as possible and let him know how much he is loved.
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