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It’s been a few years since I made any New Year’s resolutions.
How about you?
happy 2014!
01 Wednesday Jan 2014
Posted in home, hope, life stuff
Category Archives: hope
PET scan check-list
25 Wednesday Sep 2013
Posted in cancer, health & happiness, hope, hospitals
On Tuesday I started wondering why I hadn’t heard back about my next PET-CT scan so I sent a text to Isabel and that very afternoon I got a call telling me that I was scheduled for the scan on Thursday at 8 am. Which is TOMORROW. So well, fuck.
I was mostly okay about this yesterday but today I’ve kind of lost it. I checked again online to see what the proper PET scan prep is and have been sticking to it, even rescheduling tonight’s tapas tour for tomorrow so I could stay in and get an early night. But I’m such a nervous wreck.
I keep thinking about Pat and how, after four years of being cancer-free, she had a recurrence and not long after that she died. Just to say that I can never take it for granted that I’m going to be okay. And so I am, as always, hoping like mad that I will once again beat the odds tomorrow and be given another six months.
Had lunch with my friend Juan yesterday and told him how it would feel really extra cruel to get sick again after my life finally feels like it’s the one I’ve always dreamt of. I’m doing work I love, in the place that feels like my real home in the world, my social life is also fulfulling and I’m even starting to not be so hard on myself all the time. Also I have three young cats that I want to watch grow up. So please please please let me be okay tomorrow. Fingers crossed! xx
[UPDATE: ALL CLEAR! Another six months for me! 🙂 ]
reality check
03 Tuesday Sep 2013
Day after hols and back into Reality big time. First I hit the gym this morning (was really missing that) and ran into a guy I know there who told me that a favourite Pilates instructor is back next week, so I’m going to insert two classes a week into my gym schedule. Don’t get enough around to doing enough stretch and strength stuff on my own.
And now I’m back home getting ready for a “two-fer” hospital visit, to get my chemo port cleaned and also see Dr Ana the oncologist. I had my blood work done before I left for Málaga and so she’ll check that and then set up my next PET scan. Already scanxiety is starting to set in and I’m hoping to not have the scan until at least the third week of September as there is just so much booked already (tours and special events). Plus I am still working on the new projects and have to devote some time to serious study so I can get the sherry tours going. I missed out on taking a Sherry Master course this month and can probably get in for the one next winter, which will be great, but I’d like to get the sherry tours started in October. And so, you see, I really can’t be sick again – I’m way too busy! *fingers crossed*
the best I can be
06 Tuesday Aug 2013
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The other day I came across this post written by Pat Is this the best I can be? in which she’d linked to this post that I’d written on the same day in October 2009, and in those blog posts both of us were questioning our lives and our behaviour, ways of coping, etc. And it got me thinking…
First of all, I spent a bit of time on Pat’s blog listening to her voice again. She was such a naturally talented writer along with being wonderful in so many other ways. And I realised that it’s been almost three years since we wrote those posts. I’m still here, Pat is not. But who knows what the next PET scan in September will reveal?
And so what I mostly started thinking about was “wasting time”. It seemed that for awhile I was doing everything very intensely because it truly felt like DEATH was just around the corner. These days I am mostly aware of my condition (stage 4 cancer survivor – at least so far!) during my monthly visits to the hospital to get my chemo port cleaned out, and of course every six months when I go for my PET scan. The latter always terrifies me and I’m a mess for about a week or so before. Lucky for me that I get the results straight away and don’t have to also go through the stress of waiting a couple of weeks afterwards.
Anyhow, there are, and always have been, a lot of things I don’t like about myself, so that is a daily struggle. I mean, I think I am mostly a “good person” (whatever that means) but my days are full of self-criticism because I could always be Doing Better. And then I don’t do better because this (rather abusive) inner-dialogue tends to wear me out, though I think I still end up mostly Doing Okay. When I was going through chemo and recovering from operations I tended to cut myself some slack and not be so hard on myself and I guess that reading those blog posts made me aware that I’d slipped back into this beating-myself-up rut. Which is, frankly, a waste of time. Not to mention counter productive. And exhausting.
When Azar, the love of my life, died last September I made a promise in honour of his memory to try and be the same person I was with him when with other people. You see, he was just so easy to love and it turned out I actually really liked who I was when I was with him. Because with Azar I was always the best I could be. And well, I haven’t always remembered that promise but all this recent thinking has brought it back. So I’m going to start making that my daily goal, and I even think I’ll try to include myself along with those “other people”.
Wish me luck!
all clear!
12 Tuesday Mar 2013
Posted in cancer, friends, health & happiness, hope, hospitals
HUGE sigh of relief… my PET scan was clear today and so I get another six months. I do wonder if this is becoming “routine” for those reading and – like with some people I know – I get the “oh, don’t worry, you’re going to be fine!” thing beforehand and the “I knew you’d be okay!” afterwards. Which I know is a way of people saying that they are hoping for the best. But sometimes it feels like it is diminishing my own feelings about these tests.
I will be having PET scans every six months until next year and, if all is still well by that time, the scans will then be reduced to once a year. Why? Because I am still considered very high risk for recurrence. And why do I worry so much when I’ve had clean scans for the past four years? Because I’ve already lost a dear friend who was “cancer-free” for four years and another dear friend has been struggling through his latest recurrence for the past year or so. Trust me, these tests are very expensive. They don’t just do them as a matter of course – you have to be considered high risk.
Which is me.
Anyhow, I went off in the rain early this morning and was thrilled to see that the lovely Pilar was a part of my PET team today. She is such a lovely person and a long-time friend. You may recall that back when I was sick on chemo and desperate about how I was going to get through the summer she gave me a month. So it was great finding out that she was on duty today. After my first run through the PET machine I sat with her in the computer room watching my scan images spinning around… first time I’ve ever done that. Pili showed me how this bit was like this, another bit like that. Kind of cool and also a bit freaky. Then we went off for breakfast and after that I had to go through the machine again (this almost always happens because I have a dodgy area that needs rechecking) and then suddenly I was okay!
But you know, after all the build-up of stress and worry it actually takes awhile for the Good News to sink in. So Peter met up with me and we went for a celebratory glass of Botani at the Vineria San Telmo, and then it was a walk home in the rain…
Now I’m here all cosy and thankful and kind of floppy, to be honest. This whole ordeal really takes it outta me. So I think I’ll just take it easy this afternoon and evening. The Next Six Months can start mañana…
casa azahar 