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casa azahar

~ my life in sevilla

casa azahar

Category Archives: life stuff

woke up this morning…

16 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by azahar in change, home, life stuff, music

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

bb king, blues, home, lucille

… the traditional blues song opening, made famous by BB King (that’s his Gibson guitar called Lucille on the left). But there was nothing about having the blues this morning. Quite the opposite as it was the first morning waking up in the new casa az that things felt normal and that there was some sort of natural routine going on. Not just that awful “camping out” feeling, not being able to find your socks or the cat meds and stuff like that. Plus, because I’d repaired the broken shower, dealing with the way-too-small bathroom became that little bit less annoying. Also, most of the tiresome paperwork involving the switching over of utilities is almost over, and although there are still a few “handyman” jobs for the landlords to take care of, at least I know they’ll get done.

And so I woke up this morning and, after coffee in bed while writing a blog post for a client, I got up and showered, went out to the supermarket, came home to a relatively organised kitchen and did some prep work for tonight’s dinner with soon-to-be flatmate Jessica. Before that I have a class with AgustĂ­n – I usually go to his place but he’s coming here because he’s dying to see my new home. Meanwhile, I’m here at my desk working on some stuff for other clients. And well … it’s great. I love it. Living and working in my fab new light-filled space.

I’m home! 🙂

more hope

03 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by azahar in cancer, home, hope, life stuff

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

2011, cancer, hope, postaday2011

On January 3rd 2009 I put up my first ever Photohunt entry – that week’s theme was “Hope”. It was a photo of my old suede daybook showing January 3rd 2010 with the words STILL HERE written on the page, because in 2008 I’d been  diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer, had gone through three major operations and one nasty bout of chemo and had also been told my chances of survival weren’t very good. The next year I did the same thing for the following January 3rd after having had a recurrence and more chemo, and I tell ya, it was wonderful this morning to see those words again and still actually be here. With another PET scan coming up this month I’m starting to get very nervous once again.

And so here is today’s STILL HERE pic written on the page for January 3rd 2012 (taken in bed with iPhone, hence a bit fuzzy). I really really hope to see you then!

already missing…

20 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by azahar in cancer, change, death & dying, home, life stuff

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

home

This may sound silly but I am already missing my home so much, and I’m still here! I first noticed it a couple of weeks ago when the “tunas” were singing outside my house on the night of the Inmaculada, when traditionally they sing all night to the Virgin in the square down the road, and I thought “this is probably the last time I’m going to hear this!”, and I got ridiculously SAD. It was almost like last spring when I was listening to the procession of the Virgen de Los Dolores that stops right below my bedroom balconies every Tuesday night during Semana Santa. I remembered how the year before I’d been on chemo and wondered if I’d ever hear it again, so this year I got up and taped it.

But I don’t know what to about all the same feelings I’m getting now … all these “this is the last time” moments. It’s really getting to me.

I guess it’s because it wasn’t my decision to move, to leave this place that has been my home for over 16 years. And it hurts, like having something I love being torn away from me. It just feels so bloody unfair, like…

You’re probably way ahead of me on this one, but it took me awhile to realise that having my home snatched away from me was not unlike getting cancer and suddenly being told I maybe have a 50/50 chance of living another five years. Because I’m not ready to go, I don’t feel done with living yet. And this is just how having my home taken away from me feels like. It’s not my choice, I don’t want to go, and it hurts.

And so I find myself looking at things in my apartment now just like how I started looking at things in my life when they first told me about the cancer. It’s making almost every goddam day-to-day moment too poignant to bear. Kind of like a double whammy. Stupid f*cking landlord just thinks I can go out and get any other apartment, even though I’ve told him this is MY HOME. And this is my street. I am so used to all the sounds and the changes in the light and how the different seasons feel… this place *is* me. I identify with it, and I love it, stupid warts and all. And I don’t want to go. I don’t want to live anywhere else.

Which reminds me of when I said here just over two years ago, “I really, really don’t want to die. Not like this, not so soon …”

It’s all mixed up together, you know?

cheques mágicos!

15 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by azahar in home, life stuff, sevilla, spain

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

cheques magicos, el corte ingles, sevilla


Magic Cheques from El Corte Inglés.

So okay, a couple of weeks ago Nog & I went over the El Corte InglĂ©s to do some Saturday morning shopping at the supermarket, and found people handing out these “cheques mágicos”. I’m used to having weird and useless promo stuff handed to me, but when I went to refuse the woman said “trust me, you want to know about this one”…
Continue reading →

elixir

10 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by azahar in christmas, home, life stuff, retail therapy

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

christmas, clinique, elixir, perfume

So I bought myself some perfume.
So there.

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