Last July I wrote this very happy post about two very dear friends I met on the Colon Club forum, Pat & Jed, because Jed had just got the all-clear on his latest PET scan (as had I) and Pat was continuing to do well living in NEDville (NED = no evidence of disease). The three of us have had many parallel experiences, though both Pat and Jed have undergone much longer and harder chemo stints than me, and have also had more difficult operations. Frankly, as my doctors have said they see no possibility of curing me, I reckon I’m just being given “chemo as required” as long as the tumours stay away.
After my last PET scan in January I got in touch with Jed (Pat and I see each other on twitter) to see how he was faring. And he told me the bad news… a recurrence in both lungs and lymph nodes. Prognosis: inoperable and on “chemo for life”, however long that turns out to be. My initial reaction was to go completely into denial – this couldn’t be happening to my Wonder Twin! And as I was in the throws of packing and moving house I wrote a quick email that was all bluster and bravado (sorry Jed) saying I’d be back soon. And every day since then I’ve wondered what I could say, how I could help, and kept saying to myself “I’ll write tomorrow!”
Then last night I got a quick message from Pat. Her cancer was back. Sounding almost exactly like Jed’s – lungs, lymph nodes and possibly bone mets – and I fell apart. I could no longer do the denial thing and cried for a solid hour, just like I’m crying now. I sent them both messages asking how I could help, meanwhile I couldn’t remember ever feeling so helpless in my life. But I really really want to be able to do something.
It’s just that, you know, this is all so damned unfair!! Pat and Jed have done everything right, they got on healthy diets, and did everything they could to help their luck along. Meanwhile I’ve not changed things all that much diet-wise, continue to drink too much wine and am still very overweight. WTF? No, I’m not saying that I deserve to get a recurrence and they don’t (though to be honest, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop) … it’s more that none of it makes sense. And I am left angry and hurt and scared … and then ashamed that I end up thinking about me. But it’s not only about me, because I think I know how Pat and Jed are feeling right now. None of us are into false hope and patent “positive thinking” crap. And so when Jed tells me “I know you well enough to know that you will not think I’m morbid or ‘giving up’ or any such nonsense”, well, he’s right. But then when he says “now you’ve GOT to hold the line! Twin powers always activated” I burst into tears and want rail against the goddamn stupid bad luck that brought us all to this place. Even though it’s the same goddamn luck that brought us all together. It does give one pause.
Guys, you’re probably reading this. Thanks for the email today Jed, and I hope you can send me some more info about how you’re doing soon Pat. I’m sorry for getting so emotional, because I know that doesn’t help. But I love you both so much and, just like it says up there, your existence gives me hope. And it always will.
I’m going crazy with this.
… the traditional blues song opening, made famous by BB King (that’s his Gibson guitar called Lucille on the left). But there was nothing about having the blues this morning. Quite the opposite as it was the first morning waking up in the new casa az that things felt normal and that there was some sort of natural routine going on. Not just that awful “camping out” feeling, not being able to find your socks or the cat meds and stuff like that. Plus, because I’d repaired the broken shower, dealing with the way-too-small bathroom became that little bit less annoying. Also, most of the tiresome paperwork involving the switching over of utilities is almost over, and although there are still a few “handyman” jobs for the landlords to take care of, at least I know they’ll get done.
While most people’s thoughts (and blog posts) are about romance and roses today, my thoughts are firmly planted in the practical and somewhat mundane. Which is how to save money on my water bill. This is another “extra” to pay, as at the old place the water was a flat rate included in the rent. And since moving in here it’s like I’m being “20 euroed” to death, as several times a week I have to go and pick up something for the new casa az that ends up costing 20 euros. Things like energy-saving lightbulbs, a new showerhead, dish draining tray thingy, kitchen light fixture… the list goes on and on. Some things I’ll be reimbursed for by the landlords but others are just the expense of moving somewhere new and finding that new things are needed.
casa azahar 