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On January 3rd 2009 I put up my first ever Photohunt entry – that week’s theme was “Hope”. It was a photo of my old suede daybook showing January 3rd 2010 with the words STILL HERE written on the page, because in 2008 I’d been diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer, had gone through three major operations and one nasty bout of chemo and had also been told my chances of survival weren’t very good. The next year I did the same thing for the following January 3rd after having had a recurrence and more chemo, and I tell ya, it was wonderful this morning to see those words again and still actually be here. With another PET scan coming up this month I’m starting to get very nervous once again.
And so here is today’s STILL HERE pic written on the page for January 3rd 2012 (taken in bed with iPhone, hence a bit fuzzy). I really really hope to see you then!
This may sound silly but I am already missing my home so much, and I’m still here! I first noticed it a couple of weeks ago when the “tunas” were singing outside my house on the night of the Inmaculada, when traditionally they sing all night to the Virgin in the square down the road, and I thought “this is probably the last time I’m going to hear this!”, and I got ridiculously SAD. It was almost like last spring when I was listening to the procession of the 
Something I have always wanted to do is see London at Christmastime, even though some die-hard Londoners like Steve tell me it’s all a bunch o’ nuthin. But I really do love Christmas and all that goes with it, and since getting cancer it does always cross my mind (as it does on every important calendar date) that this might be my last one. And so imagine how thrilled I was when a London-based journalist asked on Twitter if there was someone who would like to house & cat sit over the holidays! I spent days fantasizing about having a house to myself – though with a cat so I wouldn’t get lonely – and being able to work and re-connect with some of the people I met last September. And of course see Steve & Sara and the Hackey Gang again, as well as Lizzie who would be in town for family get togethers. I rationalised the cost of the airfare as a “business expense” (which is actually true) and calculated that I wouldn’t be eating out as much as when I was there last time. Really, the idea was to get lots of work done “at home”, meet up with a few friends and biz contacts, have a couple of nice meals out, SEE THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, and then come home again.
I do sometimes wonder if it’s just a matter of time before I snap. Or maybe that’s what the cancer was all about, and now it’s about to come back. But the bottom line is that it’s just too much. After almost two years of ops and chemo and being off work I was finally getting to where I might start making enough money again to live on, and then I lose the roof over my head. And while I keep getting up every day and doing what I can, I really am not doing very well. I lie awake at night hugging cats and feeling like it’s all falling apart, that I’m slipping into the abyss and there is no way out anymore. It scares me. It bloody well scares the hell out of me.
casa azahar 