Category Archives: cats

the orange tree

13 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by in animals & pets, cats, death & dying, love

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At the moment I am looking for signs of happiness anywhere I can find them. And when I went upstairs today to water the terraza plants it struck me just how much Pat’s tree has grown in the past two months. Just check out the difference! My little naranjo is getting quite lush.

For a crazy moment yesterday I considered burying Azar under the orange tree but then realised that store-bought soil with nothing living in it to help with decomposition would end up quite icky. I guess I just liked the idea of him fertilising our tree.

I have been trying to forgive myself for all the things I should have done, and even more for the things I shouldn’t have done (why did I go out the night he ended up dying??) and have come to a conclusion. I’m human. And in spite of the mistakes I made, I also gave Azar a fabulous life and all the nasty stuff at the end doesn’t negate any of that. Because in the end, death is never pretty.

Now if I can actually believe that, and stop beating myself up, then I can get on with remembering all the wonderful years, and the total wonderfulness that was a little black street cat called Azar. I’m keeping as busy as I can right now, because every time I look around and see that he isn’t here – where he should be – I start to cry.

The love of my life…

[ps… I’m not expecting any of you to tell me all over again how I was there for Azar – you’ve already done that. It’s just that now I have to believe it myself and so I’m  just talking about how I feel and hoping that I can start moving forward without feeling sad and guilty about all the things I could’ve/should’ve done]

enjoying a sunbeam

11 Tuesday Sep 2012

Posted by in animals & pets, cats, death & dying, home, hope

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Here is the best cat in the world enjoying a sunbeam this morning. To be honest, I thought Azar wasn’t going to still be alive when I woke up today (not that I slept much!). In fact, the past two nights I’ve barely slept because he’s been tossing and turning and sometimes crying out, totally breaking my heart. I would have taken him to the vet’s yesterday but I had my own hospital day, plus a tapas tour in the evening. So today I brought him in to see Eva just to get another opinion on whether it was time to let Azar go, though when I saw him looking so content in that sunbeam I hoped there was still more I could do.

Well, the sad thing is that Eva does think that Azar is probably on his way out. Since the trauma of his exploding tumour, about ten days ago, he’s stopped eating on his own and has to be fed using a syringe. And then on Sunday he stopped drinking on his own, which was the thing he always used to do no matter what. Eva said cats with kidney problems go through a lot of low periods, but then rally again. The thing that’s hard to know now is whether this is a low time because of the whole tumour thing, which has left his only good front leg too weak to walk on, not to mention the pain involved, or whether he’s just had enough.

The good thing about taking him in this morning is that I now have a time-frame and treatment regimen to work with. I still need to keep changing the bandages 2-3 times a day – the wound is almost completely healed, which Eva still can’t believe – and I was told to keep feeding him the same amount of food I’ve been giving him (was very glad to hear I’d been giving him the right amount!). Now I also have to start giving him 20 mls of water a day, in 5 ml doses. If I do all that and by Friday there is no improvement then it will be time to say goodbye.

I did wonder if it was time to say goodbye this morning, until I saw him in the sunbeam and thought “not just yet”.

keeping azar company

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by in animals & pets, cancer, cats, health & happiness, home, hope

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As much as possible I try not to leave Azar on his own, but sometimes both Peter and I have to be out and so I put him in my room to keep the other two from pestering him. He seems to like being under things a lot, like my bed or the tv table, and so when I see him looking restless I help him down from the sofa or bed so he can go where he wants. This morning I found Loki keeping Azar company under the table and it really made me smile.

In other news… just got a call from the hospital and my PET scan will be next Monday at 11.15 (!!!). Wow, that was fast. Scanxiety is already setting in…

between cancer and cats…

05 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by in animals & pets, cancer, cats, friends, home, hope, hospitals

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. . . and cats with cancer, it’s been quite an exhausting week.

Since Azar’s tumour explosion last Friday he seems to be slowly on the mend, though he gets “moments” when I can see he is in distress and probably in serious pain, and I don’t know what to do other than stroke him and talk a mile a minute in my softest lovey-dovey voice… he really does like to hear me talk. Anyhow, he and I are just taking things one day at a time (as if there were any other way).

You may recall that last Friday was, along with the exploding tumour incident, also the day for my monthly chemo port cleaning, which I almost put off until today (when I had an oncology appointment) so I didn’t have to make two hospital taxi trips in one week. But I decided not to leave things to chance (would be ironic for me to die of a blood clot after all this) and did a record there-and-back-again in less than an hour, basically taking taxis from door-to-door, so I wouldn’t have to leave Azar for long. I usually walk up to the main road and save myself a couple of euros in each direction. But I digress…

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